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Am I being played or finding a way to help my partner with depression

Community Member


7months ago I ended my relationship of 6years with my partner. He moved out 4 months ago. I had been depressed in our relationship for so long and once he left I was able to breath. I realised my share of the issues we had and could see that maybe if we both worked on the mistakes we made maybe we could work things out.

In this time he was falling down the rabbit warren of depression. I was always there for him, but he was consistently telling me that he wanted the impossible. That we would get back together. So I told him that maybe if we could both sort out our issues then the door was open. Since that day 2 months ago he has gotten worse.

He went from talking with me to not responding to text message. He no longer tells me how he is feeling. I have told him that I can see the mistakes I made in our relationship, apologised for it, told him that I still care about him, told him I am there for him, that I am fighting for us to work things out ( his story is about everyone leaving him and no one fighting for him), and it seems the more I tell him the more he twists my words against me.

I have no idea how to reach him emotionally. We are on 1 month no contact (I am not very good at this but am trying) as I am hoping that maybe if he had some space he might see that I am genuine). His depression and anxiety is very high. He has always suffered from it. He is not communicating with his family, not responding to their calls or messages, and doesn't respond to mine. I have asked on numerous times would he rather I wasn't in his life, not communicate, not share. I have offered to find a counsellor together and get individual sessions, asked how he would like to communicate and what he wants from me or if he even wants to find a way for us work out. He rarely replies, but if he does it is that he doesn't want me to go.

Am I being played as he won't tell me what he wants from me, or can someone please help me to know what I am suppose to be doing for him. He has no one to talk to. He has tried to go to 2 different counsellors but didn't like them. A counsellor told me he might want help but not be ready for it. I really just would like some help to know what i am meant to be doing as I feel that what I am doing is totally wrong.

Thanks in advance.

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hi Daytona

I'm sorry you have had to wait so long for a reply. I feel for you in this situation. It is terrible to be ignored, and left worrying.

There comes a point in relationships where you can’t be responsible for rescuing a partner continually. You have tried very hard to communicate and support him and if I read you correctly, nothing is coming back.

You have made it abundantly clear that you are there for him but it is HE that must take that step. You cannot force an adult to do something that they have no motivation to do. As difficult as it is, I believe you need to back off and rebuild your life. If and when he is ready, he will contact you and you can take things from there.

In the meantime, focus on yourself. It is very kind of you to keep reaching out to him but there comes a time when you need to stop, and start taking care of yourself.

Daytona, I wish you the best.

Community Member

I completely understand where you are coming from. It can be quite frustrating to feel this way. I ended up in quite a bad way myself after my relationship ended.

what is the best thing for you? I think you know what it is and you are doing it. It is hard to give someone you care about space but that’s what you have to do now. He knows where you are. There’s only so much you can do.

My ex-partner wanted someone that could understand him and his mental health. I 100% did. I was always there for him. In the end, it wasn’t enough. He also self-medicated for years with alcohol. Is inconsistent with his meds. He is now off them again. There’s a huge part of me that is relieved that I am not near that now. It took a long time and him blocking me everywhere for me to see that. I got an apology from him a few months ago but the damage has been done with him. He can’t explain his behaviour and then he blocked me on the last thing I could get in contact with him on. I don’t need that in my life.

Depression is absolutely awful. Work on yourself and don’t make any more contact with him. It’s hard. So extremely hard but if you keep contacting him, he’ll just move further and further away. He knows where you are 🙂