My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

[Clint82]

Hi.

I found out last night that my wife has cheated on me.

We were living apart for the reason of me getting my head in the right space due to suffering from depression and anxiety. I did not want my wife to have to deal with my crippling anxiety attacks and depression episodes that left me house bound and bed ridden. I did not feel it was fair on her or my young son.

During the time we were apart, we were still married. Spent nights together, family outings, nights away etc. plan was for me to move back into the family home in the new year.

last November I was away and she went out with her girlfriends. When messaging that night I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was watching tv at home when actually, (now I know), she was out at a pub/club with her friends. She met a guy and they kissed and shared numbers.

In the months after they met up a couple of times and messaged/spoke/snapchatted. Just before Christmas she had him come over to the house whilst my son was at kinder. At this time they had sex in our bed.

Just after New Year’s Day, (as I was making arrangements to move back home), she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore. I questioned her if there was another man and she denied denied denied. For 3 weeks I was a mess. Not sure if I was going to be with my wife again and not sure how I would live without her. Australia Day weekend she said she was happy to make it work.

numerous times I have asked her if there was anyone else and she looked me in the eyes and promised me there had not been.

Last night, 11 feb, I got a number of calls from a private number. I eventually answered and was told by an unknown man what my wife had been doing. I came back to bed and asked her about it. It took her a bit but she admitted to it. She then told me she wanted to tell me but was not sure how or when.

Her reasoning is that she was lost and not sure where we were at although we had discussed the move back in and also having another child this year.

she tells me she is extremely sorry and promises it will never happen again.

I love her but I’m not sure if I can get past this. I’m not sure if she’s only sorry because she got caught? Is this the only time?

I feel empty, worthless and not sure what the point of being here anymore is.

all the work I’ve done to deal with my depression and anxiety, feels like it was for nothing. I did it for my wife and son. I feel like it was a waste of time.

Feeling confused and conflicted.

[white knight]

Hi Clint, welcome.

I cant aduse you to go either way, forgive or reject. Its a decision you have to make. However, this situation is a little different than an affair while in a marriage.

At the time you and her were not together, and that makes it different IMO. She had insecurities and the stress of being a carer?

Normally I'd preach - no way! But I'm hesitant about condemning her. If you do forgive her make sure its 100% and you dont bring it up again. Also I wouldnt leave the family home again- it creates other issues.

Google

Topic: forgiveness and forgetting, the two F's for love- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi Clint, I can't imagine what you're going through. Of course it's very painful and difficult to hear that you've been cheated on. If you want to make it work and she's expressed that she's sorry and wants that too you can definitely try and repair the marriage - perhaps through couples counselling or just talking through what's been going on? There is probably a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt and often a counsellor can really help with something like this. Would that be something you'd like to explore?

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Clint,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation:( Betrayal triggers such painful feelings, and you were already struggling with depression and anxiety. That's so hard for you, feeling pushed back into the black hole you were struggling to dig yourself out of. I feel its going to be rough for you for a while, and self care is going to be very important. If you have a psychologist that you can see, please do that. I know its hard to look after yourself when you are so low, but its important to do your best. This pain does pass, you just have survive it.

Having had experienced more betrayal than I would have preferred, I would like to help you with some suggestions.

First thing, is its really important to get control over your black and white thinking and panic-induced thinking, that cause your feelings to spiral out of control: Here are some examples, which we all feel when we've been betrayed:

`she cheated once, maybe she'll do it again or always cheated'.....another perspective may be to consider what were the circumstances, are they likely to occur again? Clint, like Tony mentioned, you do have a fairly extenuating circumstances to explain what happened. You were technically separated, and your wife was alone caring for your young child . I would say its fairly certain you could trust that those circumstances had a lot to do with what happened. You have the power to change how you deal with your depression. Leaving your family and responsibilities behind you impacted your marriage, and caused you even more pain. Are there other options you've considered? Its very important to have these discussions with your wife.

`I am worthless and unlovable' .... This is the most painful thinking of all. Almost everyone who is betrayed feels this way. I find you have to force yourself not to indulge these thoughts. Its simply untrue, and you will spiral down the more you let yourself think like that. Shut those thoughts down.

`I can't trust my partner'.....This is a hard one. You do need work together as a team to rebuild trust, it can't be a solo effort . Boundaries and transparency with things like phone and email do help a lot in the beginning. Perhaps the best perspective to have is to realize there are still a lot of things you can trust about your partner. Things about her nature, and capabilities. All you know for certain is she was untrustworthy when you left her to raise your child on her own.

I really wish you the best, please take good care X

[Clint82]

Thank you for the replies. I may not have explained myself entirely well. Being that when I wrote this thread my train of thought is very jumbled.

Ues I was not living at the family home full time. But my responsibilities for my family were not forgotten or entirely neglected.

At the time that this occurred, now pinpointed to the 2 weeks prior to Xmas, I had spent a fair amount of time back in our home. We were talking about OUR plans for the new year which included having another baby which we already have names picked out for. It is pretty well established that when I went away for Work she had this man come to the house possibly that same day.

She has said to me that she was ashamed and knew she did the wrong thing the same day that it occurred. My thought process now is if she was ashamed of the event nearly 2 months ago why has she only just stoped being in contact with him last weekend? This makes me wonder what her intentions were and if it was more than once. It’s clear that they had formed some kind of bond and relationship of sorts. Although now it seems that the guy was really only after 1 thing from her. Which also hurts me to know that he used my wife as a conquest, possibly.

my wife was the 1 person that I had 100% trust in from day 1. And after the relationship I was in prior, that is very important to me, but not once did she give me a reason to doubt her or mistrust her. Until now. I am concerned that I may never fully trust her again. I am pretty sure I can forgive her but I do not think I can forget.

i am worried that this will be a wedge between us forever. And can we make it work.

[bindi-QLD]

Dear Clint82,

Its perfectly reasonable not to forget what you learned. Its part of your life experience and ultimately empowering. I find that if you are experiencing mistrust, its best to ask for reassurances, and for you to define them. You may only need them for a little while. The purpose of reassurance is that you can see evidence of her being trustworthy, and each time you see it with your own eyes, you will feel more assured and it will improve your relationship. I've been through it in my current relationship; once you've been through betrayal `magical thinking' type trust is not an option. You need to see evidence to feel trust again.

As an example, you could ask for evidence in the form of having access to her communications. Email, facebook, phone, all of it. Its not so you can be a crazy stalker, its for the purpose of you checking when you feel the need, and seeing evidence that she is who she says she is. That's what rebuilds trust - the evidence you see.

If she agrees to this, and she probably will, just give it few months. You will feel your balance again, and see your wife in a more positive light.

But yes, never forget what you learned. Its valuable and empowering. Try to articulate to her, what you really need to trust her again.Think it out, its not easy, but very important.

[geoff]

hi Clint, your post is very upsetting because the trust you had with her has been broken, especially when you were still part of the family and had plans for another baby.

The biggest problem is that it was something you never expected to happen, believing that you had nothing to worry about.

When I thought my wife was having an affair it made my ring her at work and query any reason why she may have been doing something, like ringing somebody from a public phone booth a couple of times and she rang someone when we were away on holiday.

The trouble is she wouldn't tell me who she was ringing, and that created doubt.

I agree with you when you say you can forgive her but not forget what's happened by checking the bank statements for unusual items or phone numbers that continually appear on your statement and if there are no problems then the trust can slowly be built back. Geoff.

[Clint82]

Hi guys. Thank you all for the words. They have been helpful. The more I’ve thought about things I have come to realize this was not an act of cheating but it was in fact an affair.

more information has come to light.

Prior to the one time, (so I’m told 1 time), act of sleeping together, my wife was going to introduce our son to this man. I actually think this devastated me more than the sleeping with him. With the advice of perhaps asking for full transparency of Phone and email I asked to see some messages between my wife and one of her close friends. After fighting very hard she agreed to show me. It was clear that a lot of messages had been deleted but a few remained. Her relating what the other guy had said. For example when she told him she was dying of boredom and him telling her what he’d like to do to her that would fix the boredom. Calling her babe with xxx after it. And my wife telling her friend she was taking my son to the beach and she really wanted to invite this guy. Also all the times he asked her out but she couldn’t go because too hard to explain to me where she was going. And the bit where he told her that she needed to make a choice between me or him as he was not going to wait forever. This was right before she told me she needed to think about things, which mind you was the day before the anniversary of our still born daughter. It also shows how her friends were encouraging her to continue the affair, although I believe they are not aware that she slept with him.

I feel like I was perhaps just an easier choice to stay with as I’m familiar, I work my ass off so she doesn’t have to work, we have a son together which would be difficult Through separation and that getting a divorce feels like a failure.

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary. I’m not even sure I can say happy anniversary to her. We are meant to be going away this weekend to celebrate. Every time the reminder comes up on my phone or the hotel emails me to remind me I just cry. I dont know if I can say the words happy anniversary to her. She wants me to. She just wants me to forget this happened and move on. I dont know that I can. This will always be there. My anxiety will play on it all the time.

urrrrrrgh. I feel so lost.

[geoff]

hi Clint, I'm really sorry once again for you because to try and overcome cheating is different than to overcome an affair.

You can't blame yourself because as soon as you do, then all the other things you might have disagreed with will come to mind and they will mount up causing negative thoughts and maybe repetitive.

When I was served the papers I was truly devastated, the love of my life couldn't live with me any longer, but after awhile I began a new life, I couldn't go back nor could I stay and I couldn't continue the way I was, I had to change and that's what happened, I did a full circle and changed everything I did.

It takes two people to make a relationship and if she wants you to try and put this behind you then she can do the same, turn the page and start a new chapter. Geoff.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Clint,

I have been in similar situations, and I can't think of a pain much more terrible than that .I'm so sorry you're going through it, your feelings are so raw and you don't know what to do. I remember having similar feelings, like I was used, lost self worth, lack of trust .

Clint, you don't have to make any rash decisions, you can take your time with this. Only you can decide if you want to try patching this up or not, but maybe consider giving it a little while to see what is possible and what you really want?

Hugs, I'm sorry for your pain