My relationship with my father

[JayKing]

Hi folks,

Very long story kinda short; for the last 5 years my relationship with my father has deteriorated, it's basically non existent anymore with only the occasional call to say hello and how eachother are going but even then those last maybe a minute or two… I always put this down to his remarriage, and that he was happy with his new family and just didn't have the time for me anymore which was incredibly saddening but I could live with it. Just very recently I learned from another family member that my theory is not the case and that he feels he "can't approach me" & doesn't know "how to talk to me" because of my "life style choice" - he's convinced I'm 100% homosexual ( he has asked me in the past, I denied it, because I'm not - I'm bisexual!) learning he feels this way makes me feel incredibly heartbroken. He's my dad, I always thought he would love me forever no matter what happened or who I turned out to be. I guess I'm just searching for what I could or should do about this situation or how to approach him about it? Part of me tells me forget it and him but my heart starts to break at that thought. Help? Sorry folks 😕

[kanga_brumby]

Some males have a problem with homosexuality, even bisexuality. Because usually they just don't understand/ get it. Even threatened by it because it is different. They want everyone to be the same.

Board all ready every one the same. I don't want to be the same as anyone else. Similar maybe, but I want to see every one getting along. But not all doing the same thing at the same time. Your farther will at some time have to accept you for who and what you are. I know which side of the fence I am on. I have a number of friends who I can say I love who are gay, Bi, TG, lesbian, even one who X dresses. I don't try to change them. They dont try to change me. It's Your farther who has to accept you for you. You have to be there for him. Reassure him that what you are is normal just as he is.

Kanga

[D84]

Hi JayKing

First off, as someone who also currently identifies closest to bisexual, know that it's okay to be the way you are. Sadly not everyone understands how you can feel attracted to people of both sexes, and in your father's case it seems not even the same sex.

I don't know what you should do but my suggestion if you wanted to talk to him about it is to try to change his perception of it as a 'lifestyle choice', how you feel love for different people like everyone else and some of these happen to be for males and some females.

I don't know how much of a help I've been but feel welcome to continue discussing it with us.

[white knight]

Hi jayking

As a 60yo, sadly my younger environment included homophobia. Years went by and I became friends with gays and lesbians only to find their company more warming and kind. But lucky for me I was flexible in my thinking, many are not.

Hence many will never change. Stubbornness is almost a DNA thing I reckon.

Ive had to disown my mother for various reasons. I know how you feel. For me I was never good enough. So how do you cope with the reality that the relationship you have with your dad doesn't exist?

Rise above it.

To do this you need to be at peace with the knowledge that his beliefs are wrong, hurtful and non productive. So it is your thoughts, beliefs and decisions that is important not his.

For what its worth I'll give you my opinion. In addition to the above with a determined mindset, back away, remain distant, seek out older friends that you could be close friends that won't replace him but could provide you with some parental qualities that your own father has relinquished.

I now have two women in my life that provide me this. One is younger than I and we met as she is a victim if crime, the other 13 years older and a family friend. Her only son is a career criminal she no longer sees.

This means the saying of "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" is incorrect.

If you can leave the door ajar for him if he chooses to get closer fine. But mentally move on. Fill your life with fun.

I hope this helps.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear JayKing~
First off - you are very welcome here and there is no need at all to apologize!

I can relate to your pain, in my case I was formally disinherited because of my choice of a wife - my parents did not approve. (They were dead wrong BTW)

You are not at that concluding stage in your relations with your father as yet, and it is a most important tie - for lots of reasons.

You've heard the reasons second-hand for his distance and you mention he does not know how to talk to you - not that he has totally written you off.

If it was me I'd try to find a way to give him a measure of understanding. A painful task for you, and one that may well not work. However in later life I'd feel sad if I thought I had not tried every avenue.

How to try - well three things come to mind:

Firstly by sitting him down and talking. Make an arrangement you want to meet and carefully plan what you want to say.

If it was I then I'd emphasize your love and regard for him, the fact he always was your protector, that you are the same person he has always known, and that your sexual preferences are, in some ways a side issue. How much it means for your relationship to continue. (I believe no father worth his salt would wish to cause heartbreak in an offspring).

That what you look for in a partner is based on many things including honesty, kindness, strength and so on as well as sexual attraction (presuming all that to be the case of course - from your tone I suspect it is).

Feel free to say how upset you are at this growing rift. BTW don't apologize, he has to accept you as you are.

Secondly see if there is an influential intermediary - is his new wife approachable - or is there someone else your father listens too or holds in high regard? Get them to talk first before meeting with your father.

Lastly of course you can write it all down and give it to him.

None of this may work, some people have prejudices too deeply ingrained, or feel alternative sexuality a threat in some obscure way, however as I said, if it was me I'd try.

As the person on the spot you are the best one to judge what is appropriate.

Please feel free to post as often as you'd like, you can be sure of understanding here.

My best wishes,

Croix






Good luck

Croix

[geoff]

hi Jay, thanks for posting your comment, and welcome to the site.
Many years ago there were parents who never believed in depression, because they thought it was just a way to get out of doing something, how wrong that was, but then depression was considered to be taboo, and even now there are people who still feel the same, just as they do with regards to being LGBT, unfortunately that's very sad, because the world is full with an enormous variety of different people.
Firstly the point that you made about his second marriage can quite easily happen, although it's not the point you're making, because that's exactly wht happened when my Dad remarried, while Mum was in a nursing home, but his second wife made him withdraw from all of his family, until she passed away, and then came back to us.
Your father is only assuming that you maybe this way, but he doesn't know, so maybe as you're bi sexual you could take a g/friend to go and meet him, then hopefully communication between the two of you can return.
Everybody has their own choice on what type of relationship they want to have, so whether you want to keep it quite or tell your mates is only up to you and how comfortable you feel in telling them, but in the end it's not something you should ever have to worry about. Geoff.