My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

[running_girl]

I have been romantically involved with someone who has mental health issues for the last several months. After spending some time with him during the last few weeks I could see that while he meant what he said when he said it (e.g., that he loved me, that I was ‘the one’, that he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together, that we would get married someday…), he would simultaneously act in ways that kept me at a distance and would occasionally let slip that he didn’t really know if he wanted to be with me in the long-term.

Because of this incongruence, I finally faced up to reality and told him that the timing was clearly not right for us to be together as a couple and we agreed to keep our friendship intact. We then spent the next couple of days together in a kind of in-between state – not exactly a couple but certainly not platonic.

It’s now been a week since he flew back home (he lives interstate) and I’ve left two messages for him, neither of which he has returned. I am heartbroken, depressed (at times severely) and at a loss at what to do. I guess I don’t really have to do anything but keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault that things didn’t work out. And because he’s so clearly unwell, I know it’s not his fault either.

My psych warned me against getting involved with him in the first place but I put her good logic aside and let myself fall completely in love. I am so sad. I know there is nothing to do but ride it out and I don’t expect anyone in the BB community to know of a miracle cure that will make things better. I guess I just wanted to say out loud (or in type on this message board) how I felt. A form of cartharsis maybe…?

[Guest_1584]

l'm in a similar situation.

After going through divorce hell and trying to be the best dad l could for my daughter for 3yrs afterward, l met somebody new.

It was the most incredible thing between us , that's l'd ever had out of any gf's before marriage or my ex w. We had amazing stuff and many a time it was as if our whole lives , even my divorce, hers too, everything, had all pointed to us finding each other at this stage in our lives and everything about us was just instant from the day we met.

But, as time went on and even though as amazing as we could be and she could be, there were little big things coming out with her. Everything would be fine even beautiful , but then the tiniest thing, even a word , and she would just turn in an instant. But she didn't just turn , she'd like snap, and get nasty and as mean as all hell. It was mind blowing considering what she was normally like and l was never sure if it was just that she has a nasty and very quick temper sometimes or if it was more.

l got advice and explained everything to a psychiatrist friend of mine and she warned me that it sounded very much like bdp. This phyc wasn't just anyone, she specialized in narcissism and in similar personality disorder.

We talked a lot about it over time as she was also a friend and as things happened l'd explain them to my friend. l loved my gf very much and we'd talked about marriage and forever many times so l felt terrible to the core talking like that but l was hoping my friend could help me deal with it ad find ways to help my gf. Because she wouldn't see anyone and totally deny anything even happening.

Meanwhile things kept coming and right when l thought they might be getting better , she'd fly off again and sadly , my friend had warned me from the start that this is exactly what would happened and hg would just get worse and worse. She warned me a partner can't really help this stuff it's too serious , unless the person acknowledges it and wants help and in which case she needs a professional and for a long long time. She warned me that even in her profession , they shy away from even attempting it as it usually just can't be done and is just too extensive.

Sadly,19mths trying and with all the beautiful things in us, gf did get worse and worse no matter what l tried. And so we've split 6wks ago. but l wonder every single day , if there was something, anything l could do or could l even just accept it and live with that side of her.

But l miss her so much.

[White_Rose]

Hello Randomx

I am sorry to read about your lost GF. I presume you are saying she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know a great deal about it but I understand that there are treatments for this these days. It's not quite put it away and forget it. Was your GF getting any psychological treatment?

It is hard and hurtful to be separated from someone you love. I can say all the usual things about time will help but I think it will not help you at the moment. I am sorry your psychologist friend gave you such a poor prognosis about your GF. As I am not a psychologist I cannot say she is wrong but I am disappointed she gave the impression your GF was a lost cause. Partly because you and GF have parted company but also because if no one helps her or anyone with this diagnosis, what a wretched life they will have.

I wish the best for your future life and I am sure you will find a partner in the future.

Mary

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for that thoughtfulness mary, really nice of you.

And yeah it was a bdp type thing at least that's what my friend talked about but she also warned me that that was without meeting gf and just going on things l could tell her and so by no means was it an official diagnosis . She did also tell me there are things in some cases but it depends on factors and without going into that side of things here too much, she doubted much could change gf at this stage and her age considering all these other factors. But that was also if, she was even was bpd which she couldn't say without some time with her and there's no way in hell gf would ever , on Gods earth agree to that.

But l did also speak with different people been married to bpd partners and all l can say is not one had had any success at all really with anything and everything available and basically call it hell. Most of them had given up and divorced and still recovering.

But Mary , if not for some other huge things in our way anyway, one of us having to move countries for a start, ya know , l think if we could have l would've tried for longer but you see there were other things also.

l still wonder every day though , if l shoulda coulda , yaknow, and tbh , things aren't all quite off the table yet but sadly it's not looking good l must admit.

[White_Rose]

Hello Randomx

Thanks for your reply. You may want to consider talking to a counsellor about your loss and the grief you are feeling. Sometimes this is helpful for people to accept what has happened and move on.

I know I said above that there were treatments and I accept it would be a long journey for your GF. And of course she has to be willing to work towards a better quality of life. I feel so sad for anyone diagnosed with this illness and left to manage as best they can. It's also true that others need to take care of their own health, both mental and physical. You say you have been told that partners give up and separate for their own health and I understand this is true.

Obviously I don't know your circumstances but I do urge you to caution if you stay in this relationship. Because I feel sad for those who have BPD doesn't you should reunite with your GF. It's a huge decision and I suspect will cause you pain whatever you decide. I suppose I can liken BPD to cancer. Some people are cured some relapse, but it always causes pain and suffering to those around even if it is a different pain.

I really wish you well whatever you decide. Be kind to yourself and remember we do get over love affairs.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello RG

Haven't heard from you for a few days and I am wondering how you are going. I have answered Randomx who also replied to you.You may find some the information helpful.

No need to rush to answer. I just want to know you are OK.

Mary

[Guest_1584]

Thanks again Mary .

My own mental health as that's already fragile staying enough with everything of the last 6yrs, was a bigger worry as anything else if l stayed with her tbh.

They say more bpd partners end up on the couch than bpd'ers and l can vouch for that. Bpd twist and distort so many things that the partner feels like it's them that's losing their mind instead and this is why they usually have to leave in the end and l spoke to many that went through exactly that and were still recovering.

But as l was saying , no way for me to know if that was even what she was, she may just have had a very bad short fuse, l dunno. She was a very together person , very organized, worked in a very public job and did very well ,extremely intelligent and she'd been through a very nasty break up herself as well .

In day to day she was one of the most gorgeous people you ever met and apparently this is also very common in bpd but the mask falls away behind closed doors and they don't have anyone close to them and in their actual real life. All safely superficial and kept at a distance which was also her all over.

But still , l still don't know for sure , there's this list and she sorta checked of about 2/3 of it but in much milder ways than a true and really serious bpd. she had great runs too, usually about 3wks a time, everything was so fantastic and brilliant between us but then something would snap every time and set things off. But we had the other huge issues like the one of us having to change countries and stuff , there was a lot of pressures and disappointments and frustrations in our sitch, maybe if things were able to have been more steady with us and secure , maybe she would've been fine ,l can't know because we never got the chance sadly.

But yeah , l've been seeing counselors, if you see my thread think l'm going crazy , sadly gf has only been part of it..

Matter of fact , l posted a new thread about something else last night but it's not here , doe sthat happen here or do they email you to explain if they don't wanna allow your new thread for some reason ,any idea what might have happened to that?

Thanks Mary ,Mark

[running_girl]

Dear Mary, thank you for your concern. I am ok. I have been reading the posts. Learning of Randomx's pain made me very sad on his behalf but also sad for my own situation, so I've taken some time out before replying.

Reading your replies to Randomx has helped me feel stronger - your words are wise but kind and come from a place of experience. Also helping me gain strength are the feelings of solidarity I have with those like Randomx who share their stories of heartbreak with me.

I'm beginning to realise that most of us go through this kind of intense pain at some time in our lives - it's part of being human and allowing yourself to experience life. Entering into a relationship is a very brave thing to do really. As long as one doesn't stay in an abusive relationship, it can be a very life-affirming thing, even when it ends badly as my own relationships have done. I will trudge on but will do so armed with the knowledge of what I have learnt during my breakups. I am determined to use such painful experiences to bolster my sense of self and self-esteem, rather than succumb to false thoughts of worthlessness.

To Randomx; I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. Mary is right though, we do get over our love affairs. Hold onto this knowledge when things start to feel too overwhelming. It will help get you through.

my best to both of you (and all the BB community),

rg xo

[Guest_1584]

Hi RG ,how you holding up ,hope your doing ok.

l just popped back to apologize actually bc l was thinking l accidentally turned your thread into about me , so l'm relieved it might've helped or shared for you instead bc that's what l was thinking.

l'm really sorry about your sitch, he sounded in far worse shape than my gf and really , l dunno tbh, no expert but if you really have much of a choice.

With gf , l have to also take into account what she went through with her ex and add in some of our disappointments because we were in different countries 1/2 the time and due to my finances l had to cancel a few of our visits as well. So there were other things , just couldn't know without being together more which just wasn't possible right now. She's also southern italian famous for their tempers and hot bloodedness so add everything together , bit of a mix in there so with this time apart l do wonder wonder wonder and l haven't 100% ridden it off yet.

Anyway l hope your ok , we'll be here for ya anytime and hang in there eh.

[White_Rose]

Dear RG (wave to Randomx)

Congratulations on recognising and accepting life's curly ones. And my apologies for not proof reading before I post. I see my posts are littered with missed words. I hope it all makes sense to you. My excuse is that my brain works faster than my fingers on the keyboard. Not that its saying my brain is particularly fast.

As we get older (remember I am a grandma) we think that our first boy/girl friend is going to last for ever and life will be blissfully happy. And some do. The majority of us have to learn we change as we get older and need to bring tolerance and respect to our marriages. Otherwise we drift apart. I'm not talking about those with serious MI because they will probably never change.

Mark, where did you put your post and what is the title? Sometimes the moderators put a post in another forum which is more appropriate and more available to a bigger group of potential replies. I think they usually send an email to let you know. At the weekend there are fewer mods on deck I think so checking posts can take longer. Am I right in saying you have two threads going? If so, are they on different topics? One person posting two thread on similar topics is usually picked up and one locked off. Not sure if this is the case here. I am happy to look for your posts if you tell me where they were posted and the titles.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Mark, both your threads are available for others to read. Both in the Relationships forum and you have replies to both.