My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

[running_girl]

I have been romantically involved with someone who has mental health issues for the last several months. After spending some time with him during the last few weeks I could see that while he meant what he said when he said it (e.g., that he loved me, that I was ‘the one’, that he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together, that we would get married someday…), he would simultaneously act in ways that kept me at a distance and would occasionally let slip that he didn’t really know if he wanted to be with me in the long-term.

Because of this incongruence, I finally faced up to reality and told him that the timing was clearly not right for us to be together as a couple and we agreed to keep our friendship intact. We then spent the next couple of days together in a kind of in-between state – not exactly a couple but certainly not platonic.

It’s now been a week since he flew back home (he lives interstate) and I’ve left two messages for him, neither of which he has returned. I am heartbroken, depressed (at times severely) and at a loss at what to do. I guess I don’t really have to do anything but keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault that things didn’t work out. And because he’s so clearly unwell, I know it’s not his fault either.

My psych warned me against getting involved with him in the first place but I put her good logic aside and let myself fall completely in love. I am so sad. I know there is nothing to do but ride it out and I don’t expect anyone in the BB community to know of a miracle cure that will make things better. I guess I just wanted to say out loud (or in type on this message board) how I felt. A form of cartharsis maybe…?

[Guest_128]

Cool,you better or

I'm gonna get Cha,

I have had a gut full of today,

goodnight

Dory.xoxo

[running_girl]

Goodnight Dory, hope tomorrow is a better day for you

rg xo

[White_Rose]

Hello RG

I hope Dory's nonsense has made you feel better.

When women live with abusive men it is usually because the women have very low self esteem. I think you have identified that. I think I'm scared of being alone. That's a reasonable feeling. We are meant to live with others, we are gregarious. So when someone comes along and sweeps us off our feet, so to speak, it seems as though we have found the perfect partner and will live happily ever after.

Then it all goes bad and we are left wondering what we did wrong. And that's when it all starts. By then you have been conned into believing that your man is doing you a favour by being with you because you are such a pathetic person. We get so subservient that we are willing to put up with the bad stuff (lots) to have some good stuff (small). If you get away from that person you are vulnerable to the next man who comes along because it is a familiar pattern. Whirlwind romance and promises of eternal love and away we go again.

This doesn't mean you could never meet a an ordinary but basically good man but we tend not to notice them because they go about life in a more restrained and quiet manner. You want to feel good immediately to heal the hurt from the last time and that may well not happen.

I imagine what your psych is working on with you is improving your self esteem. When there is no one at home to talk to it is very easy to become wrapped up in your hurt and sorrow. It is a hard time and place to be. I do know about this. I left my husband 17 years ago. It was my choice and I thought I managed very well. After 12 months on my own I fell into a huge depression. The psychiatrist I saw was very concerned and wanted me to go into hospital but I refused. I went through all the wanting to die stuff, don't want to live, why do I have to hurt so much etc. It was horrible. And I spent many hours crying on my bed, saying it's not fair, why doesn't someone help me, I'm a worthless person. And all the time what I needed to do is work with my psych and be a lot more active in my own recovery.

I probably could have have returned to my ex but I had enough sense left to know I would be even more unhappy. It seemed my choices were to tough it out, return to ex or suicide. None of them seemed like a good idea. In the end I stayed put and worked through it all. How many years? I would say four very bad years and another four with milder depression. I hope I haven't depressed you more.

To be continued. Mary

[White_Rose]

Sorry to be so long winded. Here's the rest.

Sadly it does take time and it is hard to see where we are making progress as it happens just a bit at a time. This one of the good points of journalling. Don't weep for the mistakes you made. Look at them and see what they have taught you. I used to vow I would not make the same mistake twice but I did so frequently. Then I discovered we don't get well by will power alone. We need to change our thinking and approach to life and this is where your psych comes in.

As you are seeing him/her this week perhaps you can ask what process is being used, what can you do to make it work better. If you have some goal to work toward and you see yourself reaching the goals it is a huge lift

Mary

[purple12]

Hi running girl!

Reading your initial post, i honestly felt like i had written it. I on and off had a relationship with a mentally unstable narcissist. Exactly like you said i know he means that he loves me etc, unfortunately his mind (and smoking weed) plants seeds in his mind that im some vindictive monster that is out to get him. He told me 5 weeks ago our timing isnt right cause lately we just fought, it has been nasty and toxic for a while. He said he loves me and that we deserve a chance when the timing is better, sadly his mind has taken over and his convinced himself he now hates me. Got his friend to send me a message as he apparently plans on never speaking to me again, that he will get an intervention order against me if i ever do contact him, his friend said that he never meant that he loves me and was confused and is now fed up and done with me forever. So cowardly and pathetic, however his friend sadly only knows one side of the story, and ive been made out to be crazy when in fact its him that is unstable. Uncapble of showing love and compassion to others, i was also warned to not get involved especially as his a stoner and has been for 12 years, has no job, no motivation and lives in a very unstable home. I saw a side to him that i adored sadly he got scared of being vulnerable and feeling something other tan hate and turned against me.

I guess recent events make me realise he isnt going to change and i need to break the cycle, as much as it hurts me i know i cant take anymore heartbreak from him cause his caused so much i was at the point of ending it all. I know i never did anything to him, i know i was too good to him and this is all a reflection of him, his issues, his insecurities and fears. Happy to chat as we are going through similar things xx

[running_girl]

Dear Mary,

I didn't want you to think I wasn't going to respond to your latest message. I just wanted to read all you've written again and let it resonate. I appreciate you taking the time to help me very much and I will respond in more detail soon.

rg x

[running_girl]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your latest messages to me. You have put a lot of care and effort into them and they have provided much comfort and reassurance.

It is clear to me now that I need to do a lot of work on my self-esteem before I even consider entering into another relationship. It is such a weird sensation – knowing someone is mistreating you but wanting to be with them anyway (!).

Having said that, I genuinely no longer want to be with my ex. It still hurts, but I know that the pain will fade in time. I am very determined to practice being on my own and trying to feel complete in myself.

Thank you also for sharing the story of your own marriage breakdown with me. Your divorce in some ways sounds a little similar to my own story. As for me, I had naively thought that once I had told my ex-husband it was over that my future would automatically be one of happiness and contentment as a single woman! I know better now.

It is comforting to see you have come such a long way even though by your own admission you've repeated the same mistakes more than once. I won’t be so hard on myself for having done that, and no doubt I will make some of the same mistakes again, though I will try to avoid the worst of them.

I know I need to change my thinking. I need to found my thoughts on the knowledge that I am intrinsically worthy – my worth is independent of any other person and I do not decrease in value just because someone may devalue me. Sometimes I strongly believe this, other times not so much.... But to consistently think about myself in positive terms is my main goal now. I realise how fundamental it is to the quality of my life and what I can contribute to the world and I will be asking my psych among others for help doing this. I know I can't do it alone but I am hopeful for my future.

rg x

[running_girl]

Dear Ms Purple,

I am so sorry to hear your story. You absolutely don't deserve what you are going through.

I know your pain and it is excruciating. The first person I saw immediately after my marriage breakdown had the traits of someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I have never been through anything like what I went through with that person. People thought I'd lost the plot to stay with him for the few months that I did. I think I had lost the plot for a while there.

I was deeply hurting six months after we had parted ways, which is how I found myself in another unsuitable relationship. While that person was not pathologically narcissistic , his changeable attitude (I love you.... I don’t know if I want to be with you...etc) was just as traumatising and confusing.

I know how you feel when you say you've seen a side of your partner that you adore. Knowing that he can be a truly beautiful person at times makes it so hard to let go. In my experience, though, when things get to such a bad stage you have to let go, move on and cut all contact if possible. It is a matter of survival. I am so glad that you can see this too. You are right - you are too good for him, you are too good to be mistreated by anyone, and you need to break the cycle. Take all the support that is on offer to help get you through.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Ms Purple. It is a very hard road but you’re not travelling it alone.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you get on and I will do the same.

rg x

[running_girl]

My apologies to you Purple12. I just realised I got your name wrong in my response to you. rg x

[White_Rose]

Dear RG

No need to ever apologise or think that I expect an immediate answer. There are days when we can answer easily and other days become a struggle. I have learned that when I am struggling I leave the computer and do something else.

I had a little chuckle when you said, I had naively thought that once I had told my ex-husband it was over that my future would automatically be one of happiness and contentment as a single woman! Oh how we like to fool ourselves, but it is a reasonable thought to have. Got rid of the garbage so life will improve. It's quite logical until we realise we are not really logical when it comes to our emotions. We need to relearn using the skills we had as a child to learn new things.

I have been very fortunate to have a number of very caring friends who understand depression and know my circumstances and why I became depressed, and it really helps. In fact I stopped writing this post to phone someone after I received an email I found upsetting. I think we talked for an hour. I feel much better. These are the helping hands we need to get us out of the pit.

You say you still want to be with your ex even though you know it's best to be apart. I used to feel like that and there were days when, if he had asked me to return I would have seriously considered it. Loneliness for an extended time can help us to make unwise decisions. We have a need for someone and I think if I had that opportunity I would want to take it. I think it's OK to admit to ourselves what we would like.

You said in an earlier post that you get upset when you have time to think on your own. That's true but we cannot keep being busy to hide or be distracted from our feelings. At some point we need to accept being on own at times and learning to embrace ourselves. I like being alone quite often but this is because I have got used to it. I also meditate which is great for finding peace deep inside me. By the way, you asked about my thread. I think I started one when I came to BB in 2014 but it's long gone. I think bits of my story are scattered around many threads. Not a huge story and not uncommon. In general I am OK. Sometimes the past catches up with me and I start again to heal.

If you need help on improving your self esteem just refer to me. I will tell you what a good person you are and how you are working on your journey. You will reach a safe place.

Mary