My partner won’t stop lying to me

[AB10]

I’ve been with my partner for just over 4 years and during that time he has lied to me alot! I often catch him out in a lie and he’ll continue to deny it to my face. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy. I just caught him in another lie today. He’s been taking tablets behind my back, which he admitted to in the past after I found them in his bag. Even when I had the evidence in my hand and googled what they were he tried to tell me it was something else. I told him if there’s an issue he can tell me and there will be no judgements. I offered my support. After talking through it he admitted to it and said he wouldn’t take them again and if there is an issue again he’ll tell me. Well today I just saw the evidence left on his lip where he’s obviously bitten the tablet off. It was right there and he of course denied it. He got very aggressive and was yelling at me saying some very nasty things. He was grabbing me and telling me I had to leave because I told him it was over and I couldn’t do this anymore. He then started to tell me I’m imagining seeing the tablet on his lip and said there was nothing there. I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I know I didn’t imagine it. He won’t stop lying. It’s a compulsion. He even admitted to me once that he is a compulsive liar. So why won’t he come clean now? I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep supporting someone that’s lying to me and not willing to change. I have 2 children, which aren’t his, and we all live together (my children were not home when this was going on). I’m not in the financial position to leave as rent is very expensive where I live and I’m not working at the moment. He works and is the main source of income. I feel so lost and confused.

[CalmCat]

Hi Amanda B,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you so much for sharing your challenging times with us.

Are the tablets his taking for mental health reasons? If they are and his not wanting to open up about them, maybe give him some time or offer to go to the doctors with him, maybe the doctor can fill you in if he hasn't build up the strength to tell you.

But I'm so sorry to hear that his not being open with you. Let him know how his issues with opening up with you are upsetting you, let him know how your feeling. Sit him down and be vulnerable with him, and if that still doesn't work just give him more time.

Please let us know how you go, I truly hope he opens up with you.

Regards,

CC

[quirkywords]

Hi Amanda,

welcome to the forum.

It would be so difficult living with a compulsive liar as you would not know if they were telling the truth. It is hard to trust a liar and trust is so important in a relationship

I too like calm at wondered what the tablets fir and if it was medication.

I think talking to him when you are both calm and explain how you want to help him .

Often compulsive liars have a reason why they lie and may need help if they are aware of what they are doing.

You need to look after your own health too.

you are not alone and there is support here.

feel free to post here as much as you like.

[Croix]

Dear Amanda B~

I'm sorry you are in this position, particularly your financial dependence, it leaves you with few options. That being said is it possible you can at least live temporarily with family or maybe get enough of a job to let you move? (yes, I know, childcare may be a problem)

Just becuse I ask these questions I'm not saying you should leave, just that if you have options you may feel better and more in control.

We have had people come here to the Forum who have themselves been compulsive liars, and have admitted their fault and had a real desire to stop, realizing at least part of the damage they are doing others as well as themselves.

I guess the keys to improvement are there, admitting and really wanting to stop. Sadly your partner is denying everything, using anger and pretending it never happened so you doubt yourself, all as defenses so as to keep on going as he is.

I'd also feel sure that this situation is making you worry about the effect on your children, who don't need such an example.

I do not think appeals to reason, reassurances of support or things of that nature are going to make a change - I hope I'm wrong. I wonder if it might take something stronger, like a trial separation plus therapy, though that seems impossible from what you say.

If you did not mind I'd like to know if you have anyone to give you support, a friend or family member perhaps you can talk frankly with, not necessarily to 'fix' things, but more so you feel there is care and a desire to help. Dealing with these circumstances in isolation can make it even harder.

We are here, as others have said, and will always be around if you'd like to talk

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Amanda, and a warm welcome to the site.

It is always disturbing when someone you are partnered with or perhaps married to lies to you, because how can you be sure what they're saying is truthful or not.

Taking these tablets for whatever reason he tells you, how can you be sure what they're for, medication or for another reason which he is trying to hide from you is certainly a worry, because whether you can believe his explanation is difficult to know whether it's the truth or another lie.

Sometimes people lie not to necessarily deceive you but to boost their ego and don't realise what consequences may develop by doing this and don't want you to be disappointed if they did tell you the truth.

People who lie normally don't look at you and tend to repeat words trying to convince you that they are trying to tell you honestly what's happening or may become defensive and a bit angry because they have been caught out.

If he is automatically sorry then you don't necessarily have to forgive him, all of this depends on the situation and frequency of him doing so, but a lier always makes mistakes and don't remember what lie they've already said.

I only hoped I could give you some advice because it puts you in an awkward position, but would still like to hear back from you as there may be more you want to tell us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[AB10]

Thank you to all who have responded. The medication my partner takes is not for health or mental health. He’s taking medication for erectile dysfunction, even when it is not necessary. I didn’t even know he was taking it to begin with until I found them about 3 years or so ago. He said it was a one off after being prescribed them by his doctor. He was going through some personal problems not long after we first got together, which led to a problem in the bedroom. It only happened once or twice and while he assured me I wasn’t the problem I couldn’t help but take it personally, so he spoke to his doctor and was prescribed the tablets because he was worried about it happening again. After finding them and confronting him, he lied. He tried to tell me it was something else but I googled them. He finally came clean when I told him over and over it’s ok if there is a problem and we’d get through it together. He told me he stopped taking them. I believed him. But this is the third time since then I’ve found them. He denies it every time and says they’re old. The last time I found them, after a very long conversation and me begging for the truth, he admitted he was taking them from time to time. But the strange thing is, he is taking them when we aren’t even planning on having intercourse. We were sitting at home during the day watching tele, my children were home, so there was no way anything was going to happen, so why on earth would he take them for no reason? He admitted one of the other times I caught him that he’d taken them before going out to a bbq with our friends and family. What could be the reason for that? And it’s not just the tablets he’s lied about over the years. He’s lied about drinking, smoking, gambling, even what food he’s eaten. It is all very strange. He was seeing a counsellor and was referred to a cognitive behaviour therapist but he never followed through with it because it was going to cost too much and as I said we are on the one income. I am looking for work but I’m having no luck so right now I volunteer. I have family and friends thar live close but I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with them. I feel embarrassed, not just that he’s taking the tablets but because he is lying to me so often about all kinds of things. I’ve tried the nice approach with him but it’s not working. I get quite upset and hurt by it all and all he can do is look at me in disgust when I cry. I don’t know if it’s me he’s angry at or himself.

[CalmCat]

Hi Amanda,

Thanks so much for being brave and reaching back out.

I'm so sorry to hear the struggle your going through. Maybe someone should ask him why his taking this medication on a adhoc basis? This seems strange.

Maybe join him on a joint session with his mental health worker? You could both go and talk these things out? I've heard that joint therapy can do wonders with some couples. Have a chat with him and see if he wants you to come with him sometime.

I've personally never heard of someone taking this medication on a adhoc basis like that, I'm so sorry I can't provide further guidance on that.

Let us know your thoughts.

Regards,

CC

[geoff]

Hello Amanda, thanks for getting back to us.

I also haven't heard of anyone taking such tablets just before they go out, to a BBQ or any other social function because it might be quite awkward.

If he is a persistent lier then this removes any close relationship between the two of you, not knowing whether or not what he says he is actually telling you the truth, if the situation prevails and very sorry you're in this position.

You can get bond money from Centrelink and two weeks rent if you decide that you want to move out, which you gradually pay back, this is only a suggestion and if you need more information then please ask.

Take care.

Geoff.