My partner resents my relationship with my son. Help!

[Mark h]

Dear Beyond Blue 

I really need help. I am so flipping lost and I don't know who to turn to. I am hoping that you can read what I have to say and offer any advice.

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. In that time, we have separated three times but something keeps bringing us back together. I am 53 and my partner is 51. We have booth come from previous relationships. 

My partner loves me I am sure but recently she has told me that my parenting style with my 18 year old son is questionable. FYI, My 18 year old has massive anxiety issues stemming from bullying at school. He works for his mum on Tues, Weds & Thurs and then on Fri, Sat, Sun & Mon comes back to me. He's a great kid, funny, smart and loves my partner however for her, having him here over weekends all the time is an issue. She has said that she wants a weekend a month where he isn't around but that is difficult because rightfully this is his home. Whilst he is here, we hardly see him. He comes up in the day and then at night time, he likes to come in and sit to talk through his day but only for a couple of hours before disappearing to his room again. He doesn't have his driving licence yet but will have in the next few months. 

I have a great bond with my kid, we are extremely close. My partner now is saying to me that she finds it exhausting to be around him constantly. Even things like me and him talking about what sauce we will have with dinner annoys her? My partner suffers with anxiety too but for me, the smallest tiny things get turned into large problems. If he leaves a cup on the bench for example, it's a huge thing. 

I can ask him to spend a weekend at his mums so that we have time on our own but he's my kid and as such, it's very difficult for me. He doesn't do anything wrong at all, he's considerate, kind, funny and as I say, he loves my partner. Last week I said that he could have the last drink of mine in the fridge...that really upset her. She said if it was her kids, she would tell them no but it didn't matter to me at all...she gets quite angry about it.

If I change one weekend a month it means he will need to stay with mum for 10 days given his working situation which is fine but he loves being here and so I am lost knowing what to do. I accept my partners girls with open arms but they don't live with us. I feel she wants to control me and resents what I have with my son. Maybe jealousy?

Please help

[tranzcrybe]

At 18, and with a license just around the corner, it may not be all that long before this request becomes a reality every weekend...

However, while a 'weekend free of distraction' once a month doesn't sound too unreasonable, it's another thing altogether when asking son to 'disappear' - unless it is of his own volition.

Arranging some activity (sport, music, surfing...) for him could provide an incentive to socialise and develop independence; even a second job on weekends might offer a degree of separation.

But a simpler alternative would be for you and your partner to arrange a monthly weekend escape together - somewhere nice to spend quality time, as it sounds as though she craves more attention and possibly feels a little apprehensive around son to express herself without self-consciousness/inhibition out of consideration for how he might process things.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Mark,

I read your post yesterday and have had a long think about it.

As mother of 3 adult children, only our middle son now 27 still lives at home with his father and I And I don’t honestly see him moving out any time soon.

Considering your son is only 18, he really does need you especially since what he’s been through.

I have known blended families in the past and at times things were not always harmonious. 

My 27 year old is spoiled and does make mess and leave a mess everywhere he goes and it used to upset me but I have learnt to let it go. It’s just not worth the stress and conflict picking on him all the time. I just glad he’s working again and thriving. He wasn’t always in a good place.

Your son is going to have to come first for a little while longer and considering that you and your partner have been on and off a few times, are you ready to put her needs above your son? 

Have you and your partner been away for weekends and left him behind at home, alone? 

My daughter is only 25 but moved overseas at 19 and I miss her terribly. My eldest is 29 and if I don’t see him for a few weeks, it gives me a little anxiety. 

My 27 year old, like your son, is in his room when he’s home. He comes out to cook and eat etc.

Is she jealous? My husband has a bit of a jealous streak, especially if my daughter sends me photos and messages and doesn’t keep him in the loop. He also gets jealous when our older son drops by when he’s not home. Suppose he misses them too. 

She needs to give your son some more time. As mine got older, driving, studying and working, especially the older one, would go out on his boys camping trips and he was rarely home. He’s always been a volunteer with the SES and this took him out of the house frequently.

You sound like a great dad and maybe she’s jealous of that too. Don’t push him away. Good luck.

[therising]

Hi Mark

While many things come to mind in regard to the incredibly tough situation you face, possibly the most significant involves this being your son's home for more than half the week. So when you mention 'he comes back to me', another way of looking at it is 'He returns home'. This is where tranzcrybe mentions a number of things that may help change the situation. Helping your son develop interests that would see him want to stay out a lot over the weekend may be the key, even if that means him returning home just to sleep.

Being a mum to an 18yo son and 21yo daughter, my 2 kids share a similar nature in a number of ways yet their experiences have shaped them to be different in other ways. They're both sensitive people, like their mum😁, yet my daughter has always been feisty in regard to what she senses. Even as a little kid, if she could sense someone being oppressive, stressful or depressing, she'd shut them down straight away. She was born with sass, I swear. My son, on the other hand has experienced his sensitivity differently. While he can also sense or feel the oppressive, stressful and depressing nature of others, he's only come to develop and confidently express sass and a quick wit in recent times. My son faced bullying (what's oppressive, stressful and depressing) for a large part of his school life. As you'd know, while bullying shapes a child, it also shapes their loving parent. It turns us into a more protective parent, a more conscious one, a more feeling one and one who feels compelled to offer our child a refuge of ease, to escape the dis-ease. Another parent (such as your partner) won't necessarily be able to relate unless they've experienced this for themself.

Could this be a time in your and your son's relationship where you begin to seriously push him to develop through and beyond a lot of what shaped him throughout his school years? Exercises or practices in confidence, constructive risk taking, fearlessness, greater self understanding and self development may come to pay off. Your partner may have to be willing to make a trade. The trade is 'If I spend more time with my son, leading him to practice and develop into a confident independent person, this means he will gain the confidence, ability and need to go out more over the weekends. This means, down the track, you and I will have more alone time together'.

I think one of the fascinating things about being a parent to a child who's becoming an adult is how you don't notice the way your child's gradually becoming one of your good friends. It's an interesting transition. They can become 'The friend I'm most protective of, who I'd do just about anything for'. Technically, a friend is someone who we can share the same sense of humour with, share the same sense of wonder with, share fascinating conversations and philosophies with etc etc. A friend is also a person who gives us the freedom to be our self. 18 years of friends in the making may also help explain your bond with your son and why your challenge feels so great. My 2 kids are 2 of my greatest friends. They're amazing and inspiring people who've helped raise me to be the person I am today. 🙂  Btw, this is a part of your partner's challenge too. There's no challenge in simply shipping your son off for a weekend here and there, no challenge at all. Easy for her. The real challenge comes down to her helping you figure out ways that lead your son to experience a more fulfilling life on the weekends when he's back home.