my partner of 10 years left me for another girl

Lucym · ‎16-11-2015

Hi, I think I need help, at the moment I feel ok. But I've been crying on and off for more than a month, I generally feel flat and drained & only get small moments of being determined to get on with my life. I have family & friends that have let me talk things out with them. I've been trying to make plans to catch up with friends in the hope of feeling happy again but everyone is busy with their lives which is fair enough. I'm wondering if I will ever get over this or will I just get used to the fact that the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, the man I loved so much, left me because he likes another girl. A girl he was secretly talking to on the internet for 6 months. A girl he met on a sex page he made on Instagram and only told me about 2 weeks before he broke up with me. We were looking to buy a house together, then I lost my job and I felt like everything was falling apart. He told me not to worry, he loved me, we would start looking for houses again when I got another job. We hadn't been very active in the bedroom so I had a talk with him, he was on his phone so much, I felt like he paid it more attention than me. I thought we were getting somewhere, we talked more, we had sex more, we booked a holiday to Bali together. 2 weeks before Bali he said he wasn't happy with his life, and he's not sure about us but he thought it was because of him being generally unhappy with everything. He started staying at his parents house, I tried my best to listen & be there for him, I wanted to at least spend the night with him a couple times while he was getting his thoughts together at his parents, but after the first few days of him saying everything will be ok and that he does love me don't worry, he started being more distant, didn't come over to stay the night when he said he would, didn't respond to every text, I got an hour or so to talk to him in person after work every couple days. The day before Bali I found out about the girl, we had a fight because he denied any feelings for her. I cancelled the trip last minute. The next day he broke up with me, said he wants me in his life still, he still loves me hes just not IN love with me. Right now we're not talking. I deleted his phone number to try stop texting him. He texted me a few days ago saying he does like this girl. I miss him so much. As much as I wish he did, I know he doesnt want me. I feel like I wont get over this. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I expect writing this.

Melly997 · ‎20-11-2015

Hi Lucym,

How did your counselling session go yesterday? Did you open up & let it all out? Did it help? Do you feel that there is hope? Did you learn any additional techniques to help you cope with the highs & lows?

Keep talking here because it's nice to be able to bounce ideas, problems, frustrations & share lessons learnt with someone who is going through the same thing.

Lucym · ‎22-11-2015

Hi Melly997! How are you? Sorry I've been a bit distracted, my aunty is down from england, which is great!

My counselling session went pretty well, the lady told me I would get used to crying outbursts in public and told me that I should try come up with my own answers to the many questions in my head as I wont ever get answers from him. It did leave me with more questions to be honest, but it was only the first session. She recommended exercising a bit for energy and to sort of get my body feeling physical exhaustion rather than mental exhaustion, it's been quite helpful so far, it feels pretty good and has been helping me sleep 🙂

As far as hope goes, I do feel hope when I'm feeling ok, the downs are less than they originally were but I think because I have been seeing a lot of family lately that it's keeping my mind occupied, I'm hoping that wont change when my aunty leaves.

How have you been going? Any more tips on how to cope when you're literally alone as that seems to be the worst times for me at the moment

Melly997 · ‎23-11-2015

Hi Lucym,

I wish I could give you advice on what to do when you're alone & it hits you but I can't because that's when I struggle the most. During the week it's not as bad because I work so get to focus on that during the day. At night I have pets that need looking after & can fill in time by doing the little things that need doing (laundry, cooking etc) but it's the weekends that are the hardest. This is when there seems to be more hours in a day than I can fill so my thoughts just about always turn to him. As much as I think I'm feeling stronger it is these moments that keep me stuck in the past & that I need to get out of (there are things I'm doing that I need to stop).What I've started doing is looking online for 'How to fall out of love with your ex' or 'How to become emotionally detached from an ex' or 'Reasons why not to take your ex back'. The more information I have the more chance I have of finding something that works for me.

Since finding out he's living with the OW I've been doing my grocery shopping online so I don't have to go my local supermarket just in case I run into them. This past Saturday I thought it was time to face my fears. I went to Coles & kept looking everywhere frantically hoping not to see them, trying to grab everything quickly & get in & out in the shortest time possible. I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights. I didn't feel very successful but at least I gave it a shot LOL. I think my next focus needs to be on getting out of the house. I've always been more of a home body but I think I have to find something that makes me feel like I'm moving forward & starting a new life with new interests, things that 'we' didn't/ wouldn't have done together. You could almost say 'Get a life'. I spoke to a friend that went through this kind of thing many years ago & it took him 3 1/2 years to get over his loss. I don't want to put my life on hold for that long for someone who treated me so poorly & doesn't deserve me or anymore of my time, but I don't want to rush the process either & find out later that I haven't truly dealt with it. My biggest fear is how do I trust the next person? How do I trust they won't do the same thing? Anyway, all I can tell you is that I haven't found a magic pill or solution yet, but I haven't stopped looking either. All the best.

pipsy · ‎25-11-2015

Hi Lucym. This is going to sound really crazy, but, believe me, it works. Next time you get that knotted, anger in your stomach, bash a pillow or something soft. Hit it with all your might. Imagine it's your ex with his new friend. Curse the pillow (or whatever), call them for everything. I would do this inside, turn your t.v/radio up so nobody can hear you. I would do this at least two or three times a day till you wear yourself out, each time. It sounds absolutely crazy, but a friend of mine in therapy years ago did this and got all her 'poison' out of her system. It doesn't matter if you cry/ scream (quietly, with the scream, if you can). It's better than texting. You don't have to leave the house. You don't have to talk to them. Once you've done this a few times, you will start to feel better that you've got the anger out. That's important.