my partner of 10 years left me for another girl

[Lucym]

Hi, I think I need help, at the moment I feel ok. But I've been crying on and off for more than a month, I generally feel flat and drained & only get small moments of being determined to get on with my life. I have family & friends that have let me talk things out with them. I've been trying to make plans to catch up with friends in the hope of feeling happy again but everyone is busy with their lives which is fair enough. I'm wondering if I will ever get over this or will I just get used to the fact that the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, the man I loved so much, left me because he likes another girl. A girl he was secretly talking to on the internet for 6 months. A girl he met on a sex page he made on Instagram and only told me about 2 weeks before he broke up with me. We were looking to buy a house together, then I lost my job and I felt like everything was falling apart. He told me not to worry, he loved me, we would start looking for houses again when I got another job. We hadn't been very active in the bedroom so I had a talk with him, he was on his phone so much, I felt like he paid it more attention than me. I thought we were getting somewhere, we talked more, we had sex more, we booked a holiday to Bali together. 2 weeks before Bali he said he wasn't happy with his life, and he's not sure about us but he thought it was because of him being generally unhappy with everything. He started staying at his parents house, I tried my best to listen & be there for him, I wanted to at least spend the night with him a couple times while he was getting his thoughts together at his parents, but after the first few days of him saying everything will be ok and that he does love me don't worry, he started being more distant, didn't come over to stay the night when he said he would, didn't respond to every text, I got an hour or so to talk to him in person after work every couple days. The day before Bali I found out about the girl, we had a fight because he denied any feelings for her. I cancelled the trip last minute. The next day he broke up with me, said he wants me in his life still, he still loves me hes just not IN love with me. Right now we're not talking. I deleted his phone number to try stop texting him. He texted me a few days ago saying he does like this girl. I miss him so much. As much as I wish he did, I know he doesnt want me. I feel like I wont get over this. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I expect writing this.

[Lucym]

In saying all of that, I am also losing a family as well. I still love him and that family, I'm just finding it hard to get over this situation when I know it's not fair that he moved on before I even knew there was a problem. After writing the post I made an appointment with my doctor. I'm hoping something will help me soon as I feel I'm getting worse, not better. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[StefT]

Hey everyone here feels your pain, you are not alone. You feel like your world is turned upside down and you lost a life, it's devastating but it's only the end of a chapter. Despite how we may feel most relationships are not for life. Do what you have to do to safely let it out then do what you have to do to heal to make the next chapter in your life as good as possible even better than what you just had. You are number one, you owe it to yourself.

There are numerous resources to help, counseling, hypnotherapy, self hypnosis, audio books, the internet has numerous sites offering advice and forums where you can see that many others are going through the same thing such as this site. Where you can post when you are feeling low. Hope this helps a little.

[Lucym]

Thank you, that did help a bit, I appreciate your feedback I am definitely going to get counselling as I feel like a burden to the people I love when I talk to them. It helps when I write my thoughts down or talk to someone, I've just never been through anything like this before, I know not all relationships last forever I just never expected it to happen to me to be honest. Reading through other posts does help me realise that I am not alone even though there are many times that I feel alone. I actually stopped talking to my friends and family about it as much, I get the feeling that even though they're here for me and care about me a lot, I think they don't understand why I keep talking about it, I feel better when I do though like getting it out of my head stops me from going crazy. I may have to sit down with everyone and explain what I'm feeling. Thanks again, you have helped me feel ok for the moment 🙂

[StefT]

Yeah as counter intuitive as it feels harping on to family and friends after a time is not appreciated. They don't personally feel our loss and pain. They perhaps actually understand better than we do because they are outside the feelings and can be more more analytical of our relationship. That ok they have their place, to provide love and keep us engaged with life. Thats why there are numerous other resources out there to let it all out, understand and eventually move on. 

[Lucym]

True, initially I think it was ok to talk to everyone about my feelings but I definitely don't want to bring anyone down with what I'm going through, a counsellor is a much better option for the long run. And in the mean time I will enjoy happy moments with friends and family, I'm sure they'll keep me going when I don't feel like doing anything. I doubt I'll feel 100% quickly but at least there are resources like these forums to help in the mean time. My original post I was feeling horrible but just writing on here and your responses have helped a lot, thank you. Fingers crossed I wake up in a good enough mood tomorrow.

[Melly997]

Lucym,

I can completely sympathise with you about how you feel & they emotions you're going through as today marks 4 months since my husband left me & our marriage. Circumstances were a little different but essentially he also left me but to go live with someone else & he says he feels nothing for me.

Like you I cried, bitched, moaned, unloaded to my family & friends & realised they supported me by listening but many of them have never been through it so I felt I was burdening/frustrating them with my sorrow. BB was a good outlet to get support from people who have been through it & can reassure you that things WILL get better; it just takes time.

I have done 2 counselling sessions & it has helped to talk to someone who is being paid to listen & provide some guidance on how to deal with what I am feeling. It has also helped because I can get a lot of the hate & nastiness out & there's no judgement about not being able to or wanting to forgive, or wanting karmic revenge, or hoping it all blows up in their faces. Don't keep the hate in - let it out. It's been very cathartic so I encourage you to do it.

I have also found that searching on the internet for stories about the situation also help. I have read many stories on 'My husband says he feels nothing', 'My husband is already living with the OW', 'My husband left me' etc & it helps put things in perspective as I am starting to realise he has the issue not me, I deserve better than a lying, cheating husband & that my next relationship won't be built on a lie like his is. They also give you hope because a lot of women go through this & come out stronger on the other side - it just takes time. I encourage you to do this.

Another thing I did was make a brutally honest list of the pros & cons of being in a relationship with him & without him. Don't wear rose coloured glasses when you do this as it may open your eyes that you are only remembering the good times & his best behaviour. Be honest when doing this.

Be brave Lucym. You will have ups & downs just as I still do but I can see myself becoming stronger & I find myself smiling a little more & crying less - it just takes time.

I wish you well.

[Lucym]

Thankyou so much Melly997, reading your comment made me realise how much of the hate and pain I am actually keeping inside, I will definitely make sure I don't hold back in my 1st counselling session tomorrow. I don't like wishing anyone pain or misery but I definitely keep thinking I hope it all blows up in his face and I hope she tears his heart out.. Those thoughts do make me feel like a bad person, but I guess you can't help bad thoughts when you're down. I will search the internet for stories and I will make a pros and cons lists for sure, that sounds like a great idea. Thankyou for the advice.

My heart goes out to you Melly997 🙂 xx

[Melly997]

Lucym,

DO NOT feel like a bad person because of your thoughts - I sure as hell don't. I envision driving by the house they share & smashing every tile on the roof with a giant sledge hammer.  I obviously won't do it but it makes me feel better directing some of my internal anger where it truly needs to go.

What you're feeling is a natural part of dealing with what you are going through. You're human & you're simply reacting to what someone has done TO YOU. You DIDN'T cheat! You DIDN'T lie! You DIDN'T walk away from the marriage! Remember that.

When you go to your session tomorrow you might feel it's all your fault. However after I vented (swearing profusely along the way) my shrink said he sounded like a narcissist. Because he cut me out completely & has made no contact I know I'm never going to get the closure I need or want. But having a 'professional' use a term that meant the problem is his I latched on to it. It has helped me stop blaming myself for things I didn't know or see and couldn't control.

I've read your story & I see the similiarities between us; we both loved & trusted men who let us down. Now it's up to us to get our self worth back & that we deserve better. I know that all sounds cliche but it's true. I always said I'd never stay with a man who cheated but throughout my marriage I became tolerant of the texting he did to (what he refers to as) 'intimate friends'. I sacrificed my standards because I loved a man who in the end was selfish of his own needs and broke my heart - just like your husband did to you.

Just one more thing, if you're still living in the same place as you were - rearrange the furniture. There is nothing worse than walking in a room & seeing him sitting 'over there on the lounge' or 'lying there on the bed'. I moved my house around & even though I miss his presence I don't see him because in it's current layout he was never there. Just another thing I learned from the internet.

Remember another old saying 'As one door closes another one opens'? This is that time.

Again, I wish you well.

[Lucym]

Oh I definitely have a lot of thoughts like that haha! I actually prefer feeling the anger over the sadness, obviously would prefer to be happy all the time but in good time I know I will be. I hate that someone that was so close made me feel the lowest I've ever been! Ah yes I looked away from a lot of texting throughout the 10 years to "friends". We did have arguments over them but I can't stand being yelled at so I'm pretty ashamed to say I backed down all the time. I'm really looking forward to the counselling session and I'm so glad I found this website! Thank you again Melly997, I wish you all the best in your healing 🙂