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My partner had an emotional affair !

Community Member

Hey guys,

i just wanted to ask a outside perspective of my situation. I recently caught my partner of 12 years having and “ emotional affair” he is assures me nothing physical has happened. I’ll start with the back story, I always trusted him I would drop him off at the pub and pick him up the next day sometimes not till 10am. I never put much thought much into it but up until mid November last year I just felt there was something wrong, he started hiding his phone and would get angry if I touched it, started going out every weekend with a new group of friends he met through his sister ( she was with him as well), was disconnect from me and the kids, stopped calling and texting, didn’t care if we where home or not, was getting angry often all the common signs.

This one day I was cooking dinner for all of us at my aunties and he was suppose to stop on his way through he then rang and said he was tired from work and he was going home and going bed he will come down tomorrow. Had a really weird feeling but ignored it later that night I received a phone call and some pictures of him with some chick at a local pub I called he never answered he then ran back about 10 mins later and everything was quite I asked where he was he must have known I knew because he said then he was at pub at this point i went off and we stared fighting he told me where to go and hung up. Throughout the following week was hell and that’s when I discovered he had Instagram and he has been talking to that particular chick( has a family of her own) for weeks. Those messages where of a sexual nature pictures included. He then turned everything around on me stating it was all my fault.

In later conversation he said sorry and that it was nothing it started like that but know there are just friends. He refuses to cut all ties with her and still has her on all social media platforms I have gave him an ultimatum but he doesn’t care he actually stated “I choose who I want to and don’t want to be friends with”. Every time I bring it up he gets angry or turns the situation around some how. I have been trying to keep it together was extremely difficult over the Christmas break.

Our hole relationship has change there is no trust anymore after work he walks in has a shower walls out goes shopping washes his car or goes for a drive. I feel when I want to discuss how I feel he brushes it off and doesn’t care. He does t seem to be wanting to work for this relationship and I am finding it hard to deal with his lack of trying. Our relationship in the bedroom has changed , I don’t feel he is attracted to me anymore. I have reverted completely back into my shell I was doing the horses with my kids everyday and know I find it hard to leave the house. I I have lost heaps of weight and am finding it hard to eat. I can’t talk to anyone around me about it I know this sounds weird but I do t want them to judge him and I don’t want to feel like a fool. especially because they still have contact in person and over social media.

I feel alone and empty I want to sleep all the time and every time I on my own all I do is cry, I can’t stop thinking about it, it makes me feel sick. And I have so much hatred towards his sister for encouraging this behaviour ( seen her messages as well) I feel like an idiot.

the worst part was my brother warned me if they way would act when they would go to the pub together and I thought he was just trying to cause trouble. I do all ready suffer with PTSD and severe panic attacks/ anxiety and all of this has just brought it all back to the surface. I already get therapy I would just like to see what other people’s opinions are.

12 Replies 12

I am familiar with the art and admire it. Even the broken are redeemable.

I sometimes feel that we should be able to self identify with words how we want to. I accept who I am and it took great courage and strength to be me, and stay and rebuild a life. I am many things and one of those things is, I am broken. I am a nutjob, a mental health consumer, and that's ok.

I have had this discussion with my trauma specialist and my feedback from her is that words are just words, it's how we feel about them that matters. Being mentally ill is not being negative about me, it's just a small part of who I am and it's factual. My brain does not cope with, or interpret well, some input from the world, and it has a few quirky, sometimes debilitating, DIY design faults as a result of surviving, and that's ok. I have a poorly seasoned chemical brain soup, and that is ok.

I enjoy my own descriptions, I own my words, they are mine ... and that's ok


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Good advice Crox's. I hope that Miah has a reality check and re-evaluate her marriage situation. Regards, Donato

Community Member

Hello Miah.

I feel for you Miah and wondering if your partner needs to remember why he was attracted to you in the beginning.
To be fair, he sounds very disrespectful, self-loathing and too busy checking out other options instead of looking after his family.
As hard as it sounds, it's time to lift up your chin and focus on you.
If you still love him (assuming so) then pull back and make him realise that he has the ability to [lose] you.
Go out and do things you will enjoy, put in some 'you' time, focus on making yourself look fabulous and great and give him no attention.
Make it back-fire in his face then place boundaries.
This is my opinion but relationships can sometimes be a game.
And remember, you are a great person, his discrepancies are not a reflection on you.

Good luck.