Rollercoaster of depression Vs life

[Natnicmac]

Newbie here. Having a bad week & found these forums. I have battled depression for 16 years... probably longer. I am in a rut this past few weeks, ya know when every moment is filled with dread. Getting dressed is only so i can go out to earn a wage to pay the never ending bills. My relationship is now suffering. I feel so much resentment toward my husband for doing nothing wrong. I have gained 15kg in 2 months trying to eat myself happy... i cannot stop! The result is shitty self esteem & no interest in intimacy at all. I know this makes my partner feel rejected but i can’t seem to pull myself out of the black hole. If i didnt have my kids I would act on my self sabotaging thoughts. I tried to explain to hubby but i feel like he must be sick of putting up with this shit from me after 15 years. I want to care about myself enough to stop the binge eating that i know is so self destructive. I am now starting to have anxiety attacks after 12 months without them. Who or what can help? Gp’s just up my antidepressants or send me toa counsellor who wonders why i am there because i know the tools to be better, i just can’t do them when i am this low?

[sister moon]

Hi Natnicmac,

Welcome to the forums

Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say hi and that you are not alone. I found this forum and reading other peoples stories on here helped me feel less alone in my struggles. I hope it does the same for you.

I too have often find myself feeling like I have "the tools" so "shouldn't" struggle.It is so much harder (sometimes impossible) to use those tools when feeling depressed.

It can be hard also to get help especially if we have tried before and don't feel like it has helped. Do you have a GP you are comfortable talking to and stating your concerns to? I am sorry that you found your counsellor wasn't helping. Is there another one you can try who may have a different approach? I have seen many, some I have found some more helpful than others. Often it is when I have lost the ability to use the tools that they are of most help, to gently guide and encourage me back to a place where I can use the tools myself.

best of luck with everything.

Sister moon

[therising]

Hi Natnicmac

Yes, it's great to have tools but if we don't have the right support or aren't given the right challenges to rise to with those tools then the tools are pretty useless, for sure.

Hard for anyone to deny that rising out of depression is an incredibly hard slog. The way we raise our self is key. I think the most important part, to begin with, is recognising we are not our depression. We are not the lethargy, the sadness, the lack of happiness, the frustration and anger, the hopelessness, the lack of motivation and so on. That is the depression itself, the place or state we're trying to free our self from. Personally, this is the realisation that led me to begin coming out of my depression. Knowing I was not these things freed me to begin looking for answers as to who I really was/am. Everyone's quest will look different. Mine involved wanting to know about the workings of the human brain, wanting to understand various aspects of energy (quantum physics, metaphysics, Chi, Prana and so on), wanting to understand how life ticks and how we tick, basically. I guarantee, I am no genius and do not strive to be such. Given this fact, one of my 'go to' people/authors in regard to self understanding is Dr Joe Dispenza. He's written great and incredibly insightful books for the lay person to understand. I have all his books and my favourite by far is his latest 'Becoming Supernatural' (an understanding of mind/body/spirit from the angle of neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics). Believe it or not, it's a pretty easy read and a truly fascinating one. He's helped many people over the years with physical and mental well being.

Basically, I went from of life of existing with depression to a life of wanting to know about myself. The GPs know about the chemistry of depression, as do the chemists who produce the anti depressants. The counselors know how our brain ticks. Pretty crazy when you think about it but everyone knows about the intricate aspects of depression except for the person experiencing it (typically). By the way, the Prana aspect gives an entirely different perspective in regard to how we tick. I like to understand life from both medical and natural or 'spiritual' aspects.

In a depression, there is often that issue that sits tormenting us 'I don't know who I am anymore'. Perhaps the greatest challenge in life is to begin searching for our most (super) natural self, the self we left behind all those years ago when we were kids.

🙂