confused and don't know what to do.

[outlander94]

Hi, I'm not sure if I'm in the right forum, or if what I'm feeling is warranted after what I've done.

I cheated on my boyfriend before Christmas. I told him and he seemed to want to work through it. Just last Friday he came home and ended it. Called me every name under the sun, all deserved though, and kicked me out of his house. I now live at home with my parents, which neither of them will talk to me now. He was more upset that I lied, I initially only told him half the story. But, people who I believed were friends told him the whole story. Did he deserved the truth? Maybe. But I believed that what I did I could live with, because it was a one time thing that didn't mean anything, and he is in a world of hurt because of a mistake that I made.

The worst part is is that I didn't mean to do it. I know people think 'how can you not mean to do it?' but I didn't. It was a huge moment of weakness. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I've lost everything. I have hardly any money and he helped support me a lot. So this adds a lot of pressure to the situation.

I'm feeling so lost. I can't eat, or sleep. I don't want to see anyone either. I'm having panic attacks and I cannot think clearly about anything. I guess I deserve what I got but I just need someone to talk to. Someone whose been through what I'm going through.
I'm giving him space and I'm hoping that sometimes in the near future he'll change his mind and we'll be able to work through this. I'm terrified that it'll never happen though. I'm highly anxious and I'm scared to live without him. I've never felt so down or unhappy in my life. I feel so guilty about what I've done, I've embarrassed myself and my friends. I've lost friends, respect, dignity and I think in some ways, my will to live. My heart is literally aching.

I just want to know how I'm supposed to be okay after this. Does anyone think that I have a chance of making it right? Am I a terrible person? Is there any chance of redemption?

[Betternow]

Good morning outlander94

Your post is full of pain and remorse. I am a man that suffered many years ago when my wife cheated so I think I have some understanding of what your boyfriend feels. I am certainly not judging you but if I can help you understand it from the male perspective it may make the situation clearer so you have some chance of rebuilding the relationship.

The first thing I believe you should do is give him the time and space to work through his feelings. Calling him while he is in a world of hurt is likely to make him more confused and angry. I am going to assume you have already apologised and asked for forgiveness. It is also very important to make a clear commitment to your boyfriend that you will never see the fellow again, with whom you had the one night fling. This last point is very important.

Now to answer your other questions. Yes, the relationship can be saved. Many relationships survive betrayal and some are even made stronger. No, you are not a terrible person. You are a human being trying to get through life and you will no doubt make your share of mistakes like the rest of us. Redemption is difficult to predict because there are so many variables that you can’t control. If he truly loves you and can see past his pain (eventually), he may come around to the idea of rebuilding the relationship. The really difficult part is for you to regain his trust. In some men, that never happens, in others it can happen but it can take a very long time (years).

Good luck.

[outlander94]

Thank you Betternow for your reply.

I am sorry that you had to go through this too. But I appreciate the time you took to give me some insight and advice, all which I will take on board. It's the waiting for him to take the time he needs to decide what he wants to do, but I guess this all part of the consequence of my actions.

Take care.

[outlander94]

Hi there,

So he said he wanted time and space to think. I totally respect and appreciate his decision. It's been 4 days and I haven't heard anything. 4 days in the scheme of things isn't long, but I'm not ok. My mind is making up scenarios and I'm having panic attacks all the time. I can't sleep and if I do, I get a few hours and wake up sweating and my heart is pounding. It's like I'm nervous all the time.

I just don't know whether space is a good thing. Is he taking time to think about whether he wants to get back together? Or is it just a way to punish me in thinking that there's a chance to fix it? I just feel so sick and I am crying all the time. I feel so guilty for what I've done but I just want to make it right if he's willing, or move on with my life if he's not.

[Betternow]

Hi there outlander94

I’ve has a hectic weekend which is why it has taken me a few days to reply. I am sorry that you are very much on edge and having trouble settling down.

It seems you may have two issues here. The two issues are obviously linked but it is important to understand that the issues can be tackled separately. Your panic attacks, sweating and racing heart are a burden by themselves and I would suggest you see your GP. It is important to check that you don’t have underlying physical problems (you probably don’t) that are partly responsible for your symptoms.

Second issue, what to do about your boyfriend. Your goal should be to accept an outcome, no matter what it is. It is unlikely you can influence your boyfriend’s actions. I realise it is difficult and frustrating to be sitting on the sidelines. It just doesn’t feel fair. It is nearly impossible to get an adult to do something they don’t want to do, and if you do manage to persuade them into a situation that you find acceptable, it may not last. As you wrote, it’s only been four days. Have patience. Be there if he needs you but also accept that life carries disappointment as well as joy. To experience both is to be human.