My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

[ConfusedNanxious]

I am currently going through an anxiety episode, and what exacerbates things is that I have a lot of self doubt, and I feel that it comes from my inner values which conflict with my Mum's own values.

My mum is more of a realist and values independence over everything else. And I am more of a dreamer who values love and forgiveness as my core values.

Whenever I am confronted with a decision that requires me to follow my head and heart, I often get anxious because what I want can often conflict with my mum's ideal picture for me. The case in point is me contemplating reuniting with my ex (we separated due to the effects of his depression on our relationship, but he is now seeking treatment).

i even doubt whether some of my own thoughts are my own, or are influenced to a large degree by what my Mum wants.

I am not overly sure why I have become conditioned to act this way, it may be because my Mum has taken a more proactive (possibly overbearing) role in my life because she was (is) a child with 11 other siblings and she wants me to have the things that she never did.

I just want to be able to develop my own self confidence to be able to be comfortable in my own decisions, for my own life.

I initially thought the way I was feeling was my need to move out of the family home again, and just have my own physical independence (which would help to a certain degree because I wouldn't have her looking over my shoulder all the time), but her opinions and influence are really deep seated within my subconscious and it causes so much inner conflict.

Any similar stories, or advice? It would be greatly appreciated.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Starry Night,

You have certainly given me some food for thought.

To answer your questions, I do pay rent and undertake a number of responsibilities at home. For my own sense of self, I see this as a necessary step in asserting my independence as well.

I understand your point about doing what I want regardless of my parent's views on this (or anything else really). But I have been so accustomed/conditioned to seek their approval, it is hard to step outside this zone and experience the things that I really want to.

So I guess, I could say that the 'inner voice' is a combination of both my mum's voice and my own individual fear, and a fear that intermingles with everything else.

I feel like I don't go a day without my mum criticizing me at least once - whether it is on how I look, or how I spend my time, who my friends are, what I am doing at any given moment. And this has affected my self esteem, which is a contributing factor to why I feel so incapable at the moment.

In all that I have been contending with lately, I do feel like I have lost myself. I know that I am depressed, and missing my ex. The time apart from my ex is at least giving me the ability to recover from my initial anxiety episode as well, and to give both of us the necessary space to grow properly and independently from each other.

I just long to feel normal again, and by normal I mean content in my life at the present moment.

I know I have goals that I want to achieve in the future, but I need to focus on the here and now to set myself up to be in the best position to achieve those goals regardless. My goals have indeed changed since I am now separated, I see the importance in asserting my independence regardless of the situation I am in (in a relationship or otherwise). But I want to see what the opportunity might be should we rekindle something again.

Just generally feeling lost. I do thank you for your frank and honest response.

Hope to hear from you soon.

[Starry_Night]

It's good you contribute financially and responsibilities wise.

Are you willing to share how old you are or just a ball park figure.

I do feel for you. One positive is that no matter how hard things are, time passes and circumstances change and things could be better soon.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Starry Night,

I am 24 years old, and not sure if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but have only recently moved back home after living in my own house for just under a year.

So it is an adjustment living under someone else's roof again. But, paying rent and sharing in the responsibilities has helped me feel more independent again.

Just before I replied to you, my mum actually said she knows that she affects me and admits to being overbearing sometimes. She wants to (as her New Years Resolution) give me more space.

Only time will tell if that is enacted, but there are some internal changes within me that need to happen regardless.

Hopefully, my own self esteem improves and so does the relationship with my mum. Again, as you said, only time will tell. But I am taking proactive steps to address my internal shortcomings (i.e. the underlying causes of my generalised anxiety).

Thank you for taking the time to respond once again.

- CnA

[Starry_Night]

CnA, you are actually still so young so try not to stress too much. Best of luck.

[gloria10]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

Sorry to hear you've been feeling depressed, I hope things start to improve for you soon.

I think it's great that you were able to go to therapy with your parents, even though your views are both different. Did you find it helpful?

I thought I'd mention that when I separated from my first serious boyfriend I experienced depression as well. It does improve over time, but I think having that extra support from therapy will make a difference

Take care and I hope things improve for you!