My need for independence, but the voice inside my head is my Mum's

[ConfusedNanxious]

I am currently going through an anxiety episode, and what exacerbates things is that I have a lot of self doubt, and I feel that it comes from my inner values which conflict with my Mum's own values.

My mum is more of a realist and values independence over everything else. And I am more of a dreamer who values love and forgiveness as my core values.

Whenever I am confronted with a decision that requires me to follow my head and heart, I often get anxious because what I want can often conflict with my mum's ideal picture for me. The case in point is me contemplating reuniting with my ex (we separated due to the effects of his depression on our relationship, but he is now seeking treatment).

i even doubt whether some of my own thoughts are my own, or are influenced to a large degree by what my Mum wants.

I am not overly sure why I have become conditioned to act this way, it may be because my Mum has taken a more proactive (possibly overbearing) role in my life because she was (is) a child with 11 other siblings and she wants me to have the things that she never did.

I just want to be able to develop my own self confidence to be able to be comfortable in my own decisions, for my own life.

I initially thought the way I was feeling was my need to move out of the family home again, and just have my own physical independence (which would help to a certain degree because I wouldn't have her looking over my shoulder all the time), but her opinions and influence are really deep seated within my subconscious and it causes so much inner conflict.

Any similar stories, or advice? It would be greatly appreciated.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Larnzi,

Your posts have been most helpful. They definitely provide some food for thought.

I have been really missing my ex lately, and this has compounded my anxiety because I really want to see him again but would have to contend with my parents views and disapproval on the matter.

I have rung up Beyond Blue a number of times when I'm in these moments of crisis and have noticed that the thoughts about my parents and their influence on my decisions is what is really dominating my mind at the present moment.

Those who I have spoken to at Beyond Blue have helped me realise that my point of view and decisions are perfectly valid given the experiences I have been through and the values that lie at my core. My mum, in particular, sees things in black and white, whereas I see things in all the shades of grey that are out there.

I also had a psychologist appointment yesterday, and we covered much the same stuff. With the support of my psychologist, I will have my mum in attendance at my next session. I will be somewhat leading the session with the psychologist as a facilitator of the discussion between myself and my mum.

When speaking with the Beyond Blue support person, she said that this discussion with my mum will be beneficial and should help with making our relationship stronger. The earlier these issues between us are addressed, the better our relationship will be in the long run.

I am nervous about it, very nervous. But it is an option that allows me to voice my opinion (in a safe environment) with support from the psychologist. And it provides me the opportunity to really show how I am feeling inside. I know my mum loves me, and as the support person said on the phone, she will want me to be happy and therefore be somewhat accepting of my goals and dreams regardless.

That appointment is two weeks away. So between now and then, lots of self care. Doing things for me like spending time with my dog, going for walks and watching TV.

I start full time work on Monday - so hopefully that will be a welcome distraction and it will help keep my mind occupied. Plus it will help be set up some saving goals to achieve my own place. I hope I go okay with it, but the Christmas break is only just around the corner anyway.

The little story at the end of your last message gives me hope. Hopefully it all works out, but I am taking all the steps I can to make it that way anyway.

Thank you so much for continuing this chat. It has helped more than I can express.

[Larnzi]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

You are most welcome.

That is so great to hear and a good idea. Sounds like a positive step & I think you definitely sound like you are feeling clearer & a lot more hopeful.

It would be normal to feel nervous but at least you know there is a third party on the room who knows your story & has your back & even though you are leading the session, I am sure they will be able to support what you are saying to your mum.

Beyond Blue is a great service & it's good that you have utilised that when needed. And you can always have it there. Your points of view are.most valid, it is your life & you know where you want to be & your heart lies.

I really hope it all goes well! You can always post on the thread if you need. You are taking all the right steps to achieve your goals & wishes & you should be proud of yourself.

Your self care sounds great. Dogs are always such a blessing to help you forget about things. They just love unconditionally & I am sure they can feel our emotions,when those eyes look at you & you feel the are reading you!

Good luck with the job on Monday too. It will definitely be a distraction & I am sure will also help you more towards your goals. Keep.strong with your hope!

Larnzi

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Larnzi,

Thanks for your last message.

Regardless of what happens in the meeting with the psychologist, I know it is a step I need to take. I need to explain my differing views and values to my mum and that should take a weight off my shoulders. I'll try to address the issue of my ex directly as well, and tell her how much I love him.

I spoke to another beyond blue counsellor yesterday and he was very insightful. My mum has raised me to be insightful and thoughtful enough to create my own values and live by them. She just needs to have that explained to her a bit more I think.

He also said that when someone doesn't understand me, I need to take the time to explain myself more clearly, and this is where the session with the psychologist will come in. I'll have the opportunity to talk to my mum in a safe forum.

I also explained to him how my mum's voice is my inner critic as well, and he taught me how to address those negative thoughts. For example, if my inner critic says 'you are a fool to still love your ex', I counter that with the truth I know and my lived experiences. So I say back to my inner critic, something like, 'that's incorrect because he has an inner goodness and there was a genuine relationship there'.

My psychologist is aware of the overlap of this inner critic and the anticipation of my Mum's disapproval. So it's about removing my mums voice from my subconscious, but I think a part of that will be to explain my views to her, so the 'external' voice is silenced and a bit more understanding as well.

How is your journey going?

Your support has truly been invaluable, so I want to offer you the same should you need it.

[Larnzi]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

That is such great advice with the inner critic. Thanks for sharing it as that could.be something that could help me. The Beyond Blue counsellors are so wonderful. I have been wanting to call to have a chat about my situation but never seem to have the time.

I think your psychologist will be well prepared for your session & will be anticipating a lot of what you are already thinking will happen but it is good for you to know that they are there to support you towards your goals and wishes for your life.

Hopefully your mum will gain more undertsanding of your values & the role she had in raising you to be insightful & independent in your thinking after the session. And especially as she is agreeable to coming that is a really positive sign.

I am actually seeing my psychologist tomorrow. A couple months ago I blew my top with things I put up with in my life & from that my psychologist wants me to move out. This will be my first time & I will be living alone as I don't feel comfortable share housing so it's all a very scary prospect that I am finding it overwhleming. My psychologist wanted me out by Christmas but I had set my own goal of 6 months but she wasn't really happy with that.

I understand everyone in my life is a bit shocked at what my entire life has actually been & what I deal with between my parents (they don't get along at all & I have been dealing with their fights & things for 27 years since I was a young kid). But I don't feel prepared at all to move right now, I am someone who likes to have things in order before I do something, like working out if I can afford to, a budget etc.

My psychologist said if it gets too hard financially after 12 months then i can move back home but I don't agree with that or think it is the right way to look at it. I did look at a unit for rent last week but I got so confused what to do & it wasn't secure enough for a single female on my own so I didn't apply.

Anyway after weeks of research & reading I discovered what I think I may be dealing with is actually preoccupied attachment issues. When I read about it I felt like I finally had my answer as to what has always gone on with me as I could be really clingy, needy, & always looking for signs in any friendship in my life that they are going to abandon or leave me & I will be alone. It drives me nuts that tiny little things I read from conversations or inactions I can take as they are going to leave!

[Guest_9043]

I do not have much to offer. I will only say this. Your mother may need to look at healing in herself what she did not receive as a child because she had eleven siblings. It can leave some deep wounds and she may not even be consciously aware she is projecting her unresolved scars and wounds onto you. It is akin to living the life she never had through you in order to fix her and it just does not work that way at all. It will only cause upset and resentment perhaps for both of you? I am sure your mum loves you and this is no justification at all for what is happening, it is all she knows though.

As a suggestion I would consider laying some boundaries down with her. You are an adult now and you can shape yourself however you wish without your mums permission. All the best to you.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Larnzi,

I am feeling in a somewhat better place now that I have a plan in place with my mum. After all the discussions with Beyond Blue and my own psychologist, it is seeming like the inevitable next step.

I know that I have to remove her as my 'inner critic' still and that will require more inner work with the psychologist. But the talk with my mum and the psychologist will help with some of the more external pressures I'm feeling, and hopefully alleviate some of my concerns and we can have a greater understanding of one another. Which in turn will make me feel like I have some more freedom to make my own choices and tackle the things I want to in life.

I can understand where your psychologist is coming from, because sometimes the first step is to remove yourself physically from a situation so you can gain some clarity. That helped in terms of the situation with my ex.

As for my parents, having to move back in with them has been difficult so I can understand the benefits of living away from them (as may be the case in your situation).

But I totally understand the difficulties with factoring in when and how to move out. Because there can be financial implications down the track without sufficient planning. So, you are certainly tackling this in a mature and reasoned way, no matter how difficult it seems at the time.

And in the end, only you can decide what is best for you. That is something I have come to realise as well. You need to do what aligns with your own values and beliefs.

And that can be difficult with how your parents are, but with your psychologist in your corner you got this.

I hope you find some comfort in what I'm saying. It's no easy task, thinking about moving away, particularly because we can feel strongly obligated to our parents. Take the time that is healthy for you, and certainly keep your psychologist informed of your movements.

As Beyond Blue told me, your body and it's sensations will tell you what is your truth and what you feel is best for you. For me, I can feel the tension in my heart when there is a thought that conflicts with my own values.

I hope to hear from you. You are doing so well.

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi 2quik,

I have pondered much the same things.

My Mum has always been very much involved in every aspect of my life. Her father was very distant in that he worked to provide for his family and to him, that was all he needed to do.

My mum seems to take it to the other end of the spectrum. She is highly encouraging of my own goals and wants the best for me. I see that, it just gets a bit overwhelming at stages. Particularly when it involves more personal aspects of my life, like where to live or who to be with.

I just want her to know that I can follow my head and my heart, and assess situations for how they will benefit me.

I don't want to miss out on the good things I sense are out there. I need to trust my gut and give things a go that I want.

[gloria10]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

I'm sorry it has taken a while to respond, but I haven't had internet access.

How have you been doing?

I think it's great that you are writing down ideas for your sessions as psychologists can provide great advice for these situations. Even writing in a journal can help bring some relief, I've done that a bit when I've had some family difficulties.

I saw that you've been reaching out to beyond blue when needed and that is great too, they really are helpful when you just need to talk.

How have you been lately?

Gloria10

[ConfusedNanxious]

Hi Gloria,

Thank you for your message.

I could really use someone to talk to.

I have been feeling really depressed lately and had a resurgence of my anxiety.

As of now, I have stopped communication with my ex partner, and went to my psychologist appointment with my parents. With the psychologist, we discussed my anxiety and how I feel I have really lost myself and my identity. There seems that I need a lot of internal growth to occur and need the space to do this (i.e. not in a relationship).

But my depression is a result of really missing my ex. I want to see him again, but have restrictions placed on that (i.e. I will be no longer welcome at home, or at least need to undertake some life experiences before I see him again). Regardless, I very much miss him, and don't know what to do.

The no communication is to provide us both the opportunity to 'go it alone' so to speak and really assess what we want. We do plan to meet up, but as I am feeling now I will want to see him more. And I know that I can still undertake my personal growth regardless - I want that for myself as well.

I just don't know what to do about my parents and their view on this. They have said that they would never allow him to come to family gatherings or anything. I feel like it undermines my views on things and my ex's inherent goodness. But again, the future isn't written yet. And from what I am aware, my ex will be going back to study veterinary nursing and is on top of his health at the moment. Hopefully, my parents can see his improvements (should that opportunity even arise).

Just feeling lost and sad. My mind constantly dwells on this, and I am longing to feel true happiness again.

Hopefully I can talk to someone soon.

Thanks for reading.

[Starry_Night]

Hi ConfusedNanxious,

You certainly have a lot going on. Some people have to deal with family issues, others have to deal with issues concerning problematic partners. You have to contend with both. I would suggest the former is what is more troubling for you. There are lots of potential partners out there but you only have one family.

So you don't think my assessment is too brutal, know that it comes from a place of me being able to empathise with you, at least a bit anyway. Despite whatever your parents may say or what criticisms you think may be coming, nothing actually stops you from doing what you want to do except one thing. That one thing is fear. Think carefully if you are using those "inner thoughts" coming from your mum as an excuse not to do the things you want to do but are fearful of doing.

Also, if you want to do something, just do it. Don't discuss it with your parents because then it sounds like you aren't even sure if you want to do it. It comes across as if you are asking for permission. (Obviously, if there is something you aren't sure about, then by all means discuss it.) I strong suggest you never ever lie. It just makes things worse (and also hard for you). It also robs you a chance of showing you are capable of making decisions (right or wrong).

In your example, if one day you want to go on a date with someone you know your family disapproves of, just go. (Exception: if your safety is at risk, history of violence, etc. But then you shouldn't be going not because of family disapproval but because you should be smart enough to work that out yourself) If they ask where you are going, tell the truth. After the date, talk about the date with them if they want to listen.

I'd be interested to know if you pay rent, and help out around the house. If you don't pay rent and don't help out, you really should. It is hard to ask for independence when you are dependent on your parents financially/chores wise. You need to do your fair share.

Anyways, hope this helps you out a bit.