My mum might be a hypocrite

[Guest_70028286]

Hi, this is my first time using Beyond Blue so forgive me if I get something wrong. I have fights with my mum a lot because we're both super headstrong and stubborn. A lot of the time she'll do or say something to me that she can't stand me doing or saying to her, and it doesn't sit with me right. I tried bringing it up, asking how she would feel if I said that stuff to her etc, but she says that since I don't work full time and I'm still just a kid I have no idea what she goes through so it's ok for her to say that stuff. She might be right but it still doesn't make it ok and I can't talk to her about it without getting shut down. And respect should go both ways and everything. Thoughts?

[tranzcrybe]

Justifying bad behaviour is worse than the things that lead people to pass on their own daily trials to those they love - particularly because you are 'just a kid' and may not comprehend the rigours of employment, your mother should take this into consideration before lashing out.

Since we can all say the wrong things when agitated, I wonder if either of you make the effort to apologise once things have cooled down?

Sure, your mum has a point and probably doesn't recognise how quickly you are growing up; but you can actually set the example of how to behave by making the first move to acknowledge her suffering and offer some support with a kind word or gesture to help lessen her burden.

This alone will be a comfort for her and begin to open doors to communicate and express yourself freely without conflict. Indeed, it is you who hold the power to open her eyes to maturity and respect simply by being thus.

[sbella02]

Hey, thank you for reaching out and it's good to see that you're able to recognise when you're being treated unfairly. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Particularly if we clash with somebody who we either see regularly or is a big part of our support system, it can really take a toll on us mentally.

I gather that you may be on the younger side - either in your teenage years or young adulthood. Regardless, it also sounds to me like you may live with your mother, which would emphasise the importance of diffusing any tension if you spend a lot of time together.

Is there somebody else that you have spoken to about this, or would feel comfortable speaking to about this? Have you seen a school counsellor (if you're school-aged), therapist, or even talked to a trusted adult? Getting some other insight from people who know you and have insight into your life, experiences, and circumstances can be good.

From what you've described, your mother may be struggling with the idea that you're gaining your own independence. As much as this is something that parents learn to recognise, accept, and support their children with, this can happen at various paces and may not always correspond with when you need this to happen. 

It may be good - if you haven't already - to gently let her know that the way that she treats you is having an effect on you (which you said you have tried to do in the past), and then to open a conversation about why she feels like she needs to talk/act in this particular way, and to express what kind of support you need from her moving forward. If you're not used to having these kinds of conversations, it can feel very unnatural, but it's important to remain as calm and respectful as you can despite the kind of response you receive. Your maturity in handling this situation and asserting boundaries for yourself may even be seen as such by your mother, prompting her to reflect on the kind of relationship she has with you and how she can adapt her behaviour now that you're growing up.

I hope this helps, and just know that we're here to chat if you have more you'd like to say. I'm also several years into adulthood, so I've had some similar experiences to what you've described and can offer quite specific advice if you have other questions.

Take care, SB