My life partner has been cheating on me by visiting brothels and private sex workers

[AS101979]

Hi

I have been with my husband for 23 years, all of my adult life.  We've been married for 13 of those years. We have always been a great couple, we love all the same things, and we had built a great life with each other and our young sons, age 5 and 9.

My entire world turned inside out and upside down 3 days ago.  I found out that on the day he had off from work he visited a sex worker in the city. He told me he was getting a hair cut and was looking around for a bit before picking our car up at the service centre.  While he was arranging to meet her, at her apartment, collecting the keys to go in, he was texting me at the same time with just general chit chat. 

I am floored, gutted, unable to understand why and how he could go through with it. 

Its not his first time.  He has admitted to doing it 5/6 times, over the last 18 months. He understands now that it was wrong, but when he was first caught out, in all of the discussions following, he didnt actually say sorry and he just kept telling me he didnt actually have sex with any of them, just other stuff. As though that made all the difference.

Hes a great dad, Ive loved him for as long as i can remember and i cannot cope with the thought of a life without him, but I beleive this is the end for us. He has left the family home, and I am still talking to him to try and piece all of this together.

This month it was twice, one week after the other. It was starting to become more frequent when Ive discovered it. The last time, a few days ago, he was very relaxed and happy at home that night, with us, and the kids. More happy than usual, talkative, having fun with the kids. 

Its all hard, some things more than others. The betrayal and the lies, and the fact it went on for so long is hard for me to accept. He wants to try counseling, but i dont know if it is worth my time. 

I don't think this is someone that will change and that deserves his family now. But it is very hard after 23 years to give up on the future, on my childrens future with their dad. Of course i would never stop their relationship with him, but they are already grieving the things they know will never be the same without him here like he used to be. Its very difficult to see them suffering. 

Any advice anyone has would be helpful.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I don't have any advice for you. II don't think you deserve to have been treated like that. I would understand if you felt hurt, embarrassed, anger, betrayed, etc.

 It seems you are indicating a leopard does not change their spots.  Only you really know what the future might hold, referring to whether you should go to counselling or not. Perhaps this is because of the number of time he has engaged in these activities?

It sounds like you at the cross-roads of where the marriage is going. On one hand concerned about effect on children, and then what has happened within the marriage itself.

You could always examine the pros and cons of counselling? 

Are you able to talk about this with any of your friends or family to get their perspective?

All you can really do is make the best decision you can based on information at hand. And then be comfortable with that.

Listening...

[geoff]

Hello AS, after being married for 23 years, this is something you would never expect and what he has told you is whether or not you actually believe him or whether it may have continued without your knowledge.

There's a difference between being a good dad and then doing this behind your back, to enjoying his time with the children and doing all the right activities a father should be doing, because you can't do extra to please everybody out of a lost conscious.

Children are really perceptive as to what's been happening and will make up their own mind eventually and ask questions both to you and your husband and what does he tell them is what has to be considered.

Your children can still see their father and develop their own thoughts at this age, but this may quite easily change as they become adolescents and if you sleep in separate rooms this will become more prominant.

Children will adapt to any change, as I know someone with children the same age as what you have, who have been through a separation and finally divorce and are much happier now.

When trust is lost in a marrriage/relationship it takes quite a while to begin what they say.

I'm very sorry this has happened.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Dear AS101979, 

This is HARD. 
So hard for you to accept. 
You can accept his behaviours, as you must, he seems to have a real problem with needing to do this, despite him knowing / not caring the effect his actions have on you. 

Acceptance is one thing. 
LIVING with it is an entirely other thing altogether. 

You don't have to live with this disgusting behaviour in your spouse. No way. 

I doubt "marriage" Counselling will help. From my experience in similar situations, the MC turned everything back to being MY fault. What a farcical joke. (I put quotation marks around marriage because it's not any more, the vows have been broken by him). 
Pop over to Chump Lady dot com and have a good long read. You'll find countless records of others who've been betrayed by their spouses by infidelity. 

What I do strongly recommend is Counselling for YOU. Alone. 
Finding out who you're really married to in these cases is devastating, crushing, anxiety laden. 

You are the one suffering while he's out having a lark of a time at your expense - literally.

The children will show their resilience if you leave. 
By staying they see this behaviour modelled (whether they know about it or not). 

My children were always far better off by me leaving. I have comparisons with the children he had next and their horrible suffering because his next wife stayed. 

It's a no brainer to me. You may not be there yet. 
Best wishes 
EM

[AS101979]

Thank you small wolf, i appreciate the time you have taken to respond.

Unfortunately the story has progressed in the days after this post, and its been a much longer period with many more visits.

I am actively speaking with friends and family but given they all know him so well, and love him as much as i did, its difficult for everyone to comprehend.

I have spoken to my GP, to get some help sleeping, and she had some insight into his actions and believes there is an addiction element.

So we are currently exploring this to see where it leads us in terms of counseling.

I do truly believe he is sorry and wants to change, its whether he can, and if i truly believe he can.

[AS101979]

Thank you Geoff, i appreciate the time you have taken to respond.

Unfortunately as you correctly mentioned, the story has progressed in the days after this post, and its been a much longer period with many more visits. I think we are at the point truth now, but it did take some time and a lot of hard work on my part.

As a child I lived through infidelity - my father to my mother, and a subsequent break up when i was not much older than my eldest son.  Now, I can see that this was for the best. But it did take a long time to understand this, and I was messed up for some time. However i think this is probably due to the abandonment, as opposed to the break up itself. 

I have spoken to my GP, to get some help sleeping, and she had some insight into his actions and believes there is an addiction element.

So we are currently exploring this to see where it leads us in terms of counseling.

I do truly believe he is sorry and wants to change, its whether he can, and if i truly believe he can is another story.

Thank you.

[AS101979]

Thank you EM, I agree with your wholeheartedly, and believe he has a very real problem.

My GP, who I know well and i went to for assistance sleeping, as that's near impossible right now, indicated that she believes it is addiction based and that he/we would require specialist therapy based on diagnosing this element first, before we decide what to do after that.

Thanks for your advice, I do believe i am not quite there yet as you have suggested, as I have been catapulted into this life i never once imagined. Its hard for me to visualise changing paths so suddenly in my mind and heart. Letting go of him, and all of my future memories that had already been cast.

Thank you again, appreciated.

[ecomama]

Dear AS101979, hugs. This is such a hard time for you. I can easily recall "those days". 

I hope you can get a Counsellor for yourself. 

Keeping this insane issue to yourself as a secret, can increase your stress levels to anxiety proportions. 

And it's not your issue to "solve". It's his. 

Stopping his addiction himself may prove impossible. 

Wishing you the best
EM

[quirkywords]

AS

it is hard when you thought you were living one life then find out you are living a different life.

Your love for him is understandable but as others have written you must look after your health.

i have a very different issue but I am facing a different future than I had planned .

only you know what you can cope with and for how long. There is help available for him but he needs to want to go. 

[Juliet_84]

AS101979,

I feel for you, I really do. It can be so hard when you are committed to one life, only to have it ripped out from underneath you by someone who doesn’t necessarily have the same goals/interests. It feels as though your hand is being forced to do something it doesn’t want to do. In some ways, an “addiction” makes it easier to rationalize to yourself, that they aren’t of sound mind and can’t help themselves or control the urge, but the reality is that addictions form from repeated behaviour.  At the start, there was no addiction, the choice was made willingly. Sometimes it seems that it can be “easier” to stay, you don’t have to think about the future, your children's lives stay as they are, all of which can feel overwhelming (take it from me, I know!). But then you have to question, how easy is this life if he stays exactly who he is now. There’s a saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. One of the greatest follies we get into is waiting on someone to change who they fundamentally are, things will be good if he just stops X , Y and Z. But you can waste your whole damn life waiting on someone talks a good game but who is unable to change. Sure it’s hard to leave, particularly in the immediate situation, but things become easier over time and new normals are established. I’m not telling you which way to go on this, I think deep down you already know but you just need some time to get there. All I’m saying is don’t underestimate what you sacrifice by staying either. Please keep us updated on how you’re going.