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My husband visited a brothel

Ruthgada
Community Member

I came to know today that my husband of 20 years visited a brothel with his friend before we got married .

He says he was drunk and was curious about sex so went to try out.

He says he couldn't get erection, didn't feel good so just spent time talking and watching TV. He then told her to tell his friend who will visit her after him that he had sex.

We have 2 kids and not in good relationship and no sex for 5years. I have been asking for divorce and everytime he convinces me saying he will try to be better.

Now knowing about this has shocked me and asking him for divorce which he doesn't want to give because he loves kids.

This truth has become unacceptable for me. I don't know what to do.

17 Replies 17

Sorry, that reply appears to Dekt.

I meant it for Ruth, or any woman hurting from this type of situation.

Deckt
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
It's all good, mate! 🙂

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Ruthgada

Well done for finding out the truth. I'm amazed that no one suggested that you get a full STD check like YESTERDAY. Or 20y ago. Explain to your GP why you need them and this will be in your medical records. Awesome.

Please phone Women's Legal Service.

It doesn't matter if H agrees to you serving Divorce papers on him or not. He doesn't have to sign the divorce papers, just that he received them. If H is saying "I will never allow divorce and think of the kids" you can say "I don't need your permission, it's 2020 not the 1800s and I AM thinking of the kids". But I would leave that response till after separation.

You see what Hs behaviour is TEACHING the kids? ewwwww awful.

You don't even have to give a REASON for divorcing anymore, yay. No fault divorce.

I'm with you all the way in how absolutely disgusting and repugnant this is. Never should anyone have to tolerate betrayal to this level and you don't. There's a really cool site, which really helps you look at the bright side of this, laugh even through any tears. Google is your friend.

When it comes to Family Law, it's different. But if you separate all property and get a parenting plan for the kids through eg Relationships Aust, you may be so happy and exH will be as a free as a bird to visit ALL the brothels it feels like. Not your problem anymore.
Getting a divorce from someone like that can feel like having the best shower on earth, cleansing you inside and out from the garbage.

There ARE men in this world who find this behaviour as disgusting as you. Who are faithful and just awesome. If a man makes excuses for this behaviour (including the lies) then run Ruthgada run lol.

EM

We have been talking through every details of our relationship and he regrets & remorseful for his mistakes. He wants another chance to help me get through this and repair our relationship and win me back. He is depressed and sad. He is talking and answering me day &night.

I have so many questions ,doubts.

Should I forgive him and will I be able to involve with him physically?

i feel in some instances I could be blamed for denying sex & intimacy Though instead of talking to me he found easy way out of frustration, loneliness when there was opportunity.

i have summarize below.

After constant doubts and him lieing ,I decided to take him to lie detector test and he failed.

Since then he has been confessing bit by bit first just massage parlor, then visiting brothel before marriage out of curiosity & to check on himself, then after marriage during times of conflicts & lack of intimacy between us under the Influence of friends & alcohol.

I’m wondering- do you doubt your own judgement on this Ruth?

Yes, I find his actions deplorable but now is now and you have a decision to make that only you can make.

On the plus side he is trying. On the negative is trust and other problems.

If you forgave him but held a grudge, he’ll likely leave as he’ll think he can’t do anymore to redeem himself. So I see such forgiveness as an action that needs to be fully completed say within a couple of weeks with lots of talking (including romantic dinners to reignite the flame.) plus counseling.

what is forgiveness? Well 12 months on if you had an argument and he left home you can’t ask him if he went to a brothel otherwise it will dig it all up again, undoing all that work.

I might be unpopular but I do believe you both have a future. I also believe as he is much older now and regretful, he is somewhat a different man.

Punishment? I think he is doing enough of that himself.

Thst is my view

Apart of your reunification plan the following thread might help during arguments

google

beyondblue topic relationship strife?- the peace pipe

TonyWK

Right,

Ruth I have lived this experience.

I’m feeling for both you and your husband.

Can I just say, the wall that silently existed between my husband and myself, my sense that something was wrong ( which affected our intimacy) - it all was poison in a life that otherwise could be so good.

We can be a great team.

I know for a fact, that it can be ‘addictive’ for men... a go to when there feels like there is no place to go. A few drinks, an escape into a world where HE is number one.

Where the world of stuff he feels he can’t deal with disappears.

So, it’s up to you both isn’t it?

A hard road ahead either way... whether you try to make your marriage work or divorce.

No snap decisions eh?

Can you still imagine a life with him?

Thats the thing.

‘It’ - this ‘thing’ - will never disappear, not completely.

But it is possible to love beyond the hurt and mistakes. To build a richer relationship from broken tools - it can be done. But it won’t be pretty or without some deep insight and commitment.

Its OK. Just take time and talk.

Can I just add, my heart is with the women who get hooked into prostitution.

Post of the month Phoebewings

TonyWK

Hello Ruth

You have received all sorts of responses to your situation and as PhoebeWings said, it's your decision on what to do. In some ways this is similar to a domestic violence situation. Husband physically harms his wife and then swears he is sorry and it will not happen again. But it does and the cycle continues. Spouse is often trapped by lack of finances and small children and feels she must stay to give the children a home. It's very distressing.

May I suggest one of your considerations is whether this behaviour will continue once/if you agree to reconcile. If every small disagreement ends with him going to a brothel or similar your life will not be happy. On the other hand he may be genuinely remorseful and it will never happen again. It also depends on whether you can put the whole thing to one side if you agree to stay together. Not an easy thing to do when you have been so hurt.

Staying for the sake of the children does give them a role model of how partners should behave. What do you want them to learn as they grow up? Of course I am certain they know nothing of what has happened. Do you intend to tell them if you separate? I have never told my children why I left my husband and I know one child blames me for the separation. However I feel I cannot tell them so I live with this. I do know my children love me very much regardless of the split, which was 20 years ago. I take comfort in that and we get on with our lives.

There are so many facets to your situation and there is never one solution unfortunately. We all want to be loved and feel our partners want to be with us regardless of the almost inevitable rocky times in our partnerships. I know some people feel these rocky time teach both people the value of working through difficulties while some feel they cannot do this. It's all an individual decision.

the only comment I want to make about when or if you leave is for you to take the action you want. I know it's a great responsibility to have sole care of your children and very hard at times. In the end you must take the step you feel is best and not because of your children. Staying together for them rarely works I have found and you have most certainly been unhappy for some years.

Why not get a referral from your GP and have a chat to a psychologist who has experience in family relationships. RA is a good place to go but maybe you could see a psychologist privately. It's good to chat freely to someone not involved.

Mary