My husband loves me but is not in love

PR12 · ‎13-03-2017

Help me please. My husband told me he loves me dearly but is not in love with me. We were only married in January and I am completely shocked and don't know what to do. He wants to seek counseling for himself as he says he doesn't feel anything for anyone not even his family and is worried for himself as he's feeling a bit mentally unstable. I feel so lost and alone and am not sure what to do. I love my husband so very much and want to support him in every way possible, but I'm worried he's going to leave me when we haven't had a chance to give our marriage a go. We have faced a few hurdles like putting work before growing and caring for our relationship, building a house and paying for a wedding. I sometimes am resentful towards him for never being around and he feels I am never happy to see him when it really is a coping mechanism for me as we both work in time demanding jobs. I can't stop crying and I'm just not sure what to do. Will marriage counseling help? Will seeking help for myself only help as well? I've never been in this type of situation before and am incredibly anxious and worried not only for my husband but for my emotional wellbeing.

MyProfile · ‎13-03-2017

Hi PR12,

Welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry to hear your story.

I don't know what I can say to help but I wanted to reach out because I can relate. I've been married 4 months, am 11 weeks pregnant, and my husband announced that he had feelings for someone else a few days after I shared my pregnancy news with him.

The whole time I have been hurting and yet, like you, I have still been concerned for my husband. I fear losing him so soon after getting married, and I have a lot of resentment for him because he has ruined my ability to enjoy my pregnancy and he has marred our marriage.

He keeps telling me he is numb, and isn't sure what he wants. We are getting separate counselling and will do couples counselling because he says "it's the right thing to do". But nothing will fix the hurt of knowing he has more sparks with someone else, that he loves me but not enough to be in love with me and not explore feelings about someone else if you know what I mean?

I spend my days crying too. I don't want to look after myself, I am defeated. I have a history of depression and anxiety, so this was not an unexpected outcome for me to become so lost.

My advice to you if you are strong enough:

1. Please value yourself, remember that you are worthy and deserving of love and commitment. I don't believe you have done anything worth giving up a marriage after 2 or 3 months, so don't blame yourself.

2. Seek counselling. Focus on yourself and your self esteem and how you can cope if it all falls apart.

3. Get couples counselling to try and save your marriage.

4. Encourage your husband to seek counselling, and be there to support him but not to the point where you are being left behind.

5. Rally your support. Talk to trusted friends or family so you don't feel alone in this.

6. Look after yourself, do positive and relaxing activities just for yourself. It'll make you feel better and may even rub off on your husband.

I truly, truly hope you are ok. I will check this thread often and will be here to chat if you like.

If you want to see my story search "feeling disconnected, my world has fallen apart, or has it".

All my best wishes.

MP

Doolhof · ‎13-03-2017

Hi PR12,

I too welcome you to the forums and am sorry to read your story.

This is a safe and non judgemental place to share how you are feeling.

It may benefit you greatly to call support services like Relationship Australia, Beyondblue, Lifeline and who ever you can locate in your region. These organisations will be able to offer you advice and support.

I find that writing down how I am feeling helps me immensely. I have a book I write in. Sometimes I rip the pages out and screw them up after I have finished writing. Gets the frustrations out.

You have both been under a lot of pressure recently with the wedding, the home, working and trying to bond as a couple. Couples counselling would be beneficial if it is possible.

Looking after yourself is important to. Try and do things you enjoy, go for a walk if you have time. Make time for the two of you.

Have your cry before your husband is due home. The try to put a smile on your face and welcome him as he comes in the door. You will both feel better for it. When I am feeling lousy I try twice as hard so my husband doesn't know how bad I am feeling.

Maybe suggest your husband see his GP Dr for an assessment.

I really am so sorry you are in this state. There is hope. Keep looking for5 answers. See a Dr yourself if you feel like you need that kind of support.

Hope you both find some answers!

From Dools

Dandannydandan · ‎13-03-2017

I'm sorry to hear that PR12.

I not long ago also came out of a relationship where my ex said they loved me but were not "in love"with me.

I think the fact that your husband can admit to you that he is going through a tough time and wants to seek counselling is a good thing. My ex and I never talked about our issues, it built up and eventually broke us.

The best thing (in my opinion) to do is to tell your husband your concerns, and try and support each other through this.

cleo1988 · ‎13-03-2017

I am sorry to hear your story.

I was in a relationship (not a marriage) that ended like that…saying he didn't love me anymore. I was so hurt, I could not look at him the same way again. So I understand what you're saying

He tried to get back together with me, but I couldn't go back.

Focus on yourself. If you and he are meant to be, it will be. Go to counselling together and alone.

Sounds though like there are a lot of other external pressures.

You will be ok. x

PR12 · ‎14-03-2017

Thank you so, so much for your thoughtful post MP. It is nice to know there are others out there going through similar things. You post is a huge help to me. I am still feeling as if I'm walking on shaky ground but my husband said he doesn't want to leave me which is promising and he even said he loves me and misses me last night and today. Sometimes I think it's a build up/outburst where he says things he doesn't mean, but I felt like he meant this one.

We are both starting individual counseling next week which neither of us have ever done before so I'm really hoping it helps. If we need to we will move on to marriage counseling.

i've also had some space to clear my head and run through all types of awful feelings and emotions and know I have a bit of work to do too, to help our relationship as I have rollercoaster moods and am often depressed at the end of my long work day which is when I see hubby.

I truly hope you are doing ok and I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar spot. All my positive energy to you in the hope you can work things out with your husband and find a happier place.

PR

PR12 · ‎14-03-2017

Hi Dools,

Thanks for your response. I wrote an open letter yesterday just getting out all my feelings and I feel some sense of relief as I tend to bottle things up.

I will take your advice and greet my husband with a warm welcome instead of tired and non affectionate as it has been. I hope it makes a difference. I will also try and get the emotions out before he gets home.

I have started going for walks and getting back into the gym and am feeling ok today. I'm looking forward to starting counseling to help me with some suffering I have been going through. Thanks for your kind words.

PR

PR12 · ‎14-03-2017

Thanks Dan, I will try and work on more effective communication rather than building up frustrations and hopefully see an improvement. Fingers crossed. Thanks for your message

PR

PR12 · ‎14-03-2017

Thank you Cleo, it is certainly reassuring to hear your words.

I am still hurt and think I will be for a while but I'm hoping to improve things on my end along with improvements hopefully from his end and we'll see how it goes.

Am starting counseling for myself next week, have no idea what to expect but feel it's a positive step in the right direction.

i think external pressures have been the breaking point here.

Thanks again,

PR

Dandannydandan · ‎14-03-2017

No problem I hope it helps 😊

Let us know how it goes!