My husband hates my mum

[shaz800]

My husband and I have been married for 7 yrs. Over the last year things have gone down so badly between him and especially my mother. He is refusing to attend any family gatherings now for over a year and I feel he is disrespectful to me. Everytime I try to ask him to come for me and think of the kids and he still wouldn’t attend . Our conversation always end up with him blasting at me and telling me to stop talking or asking him to go. I feel I cannot connect with him anymore and he is constantly shutting out. I’m starting to feel my marriage is not working anymore and I feel I need to get out.
My mother and I are close so I share my difficulties about some marriage problems with her. I think it is my fault now how this all began , because I was so tired one day as I haven’t slept because of looking after my newborn and I told my mother that my husband in fact doesn’t like them. He has been saying this in the background all these years as my husband doesn’t like my mother and her personality , and it has affected me. He always bring her up in every argument we have even though sometimes she has nothing to do with it , which is absurd . I think he just doesn’t like her from the start  . My mother has a difficult personality and she shows it when she doesn’t like a person. She can be rude. So she started being rude by not responding to him whenever he says hello and then she started to snub his mother when she tried to talk to her.

So it started from there. And somehow he heard things from his friends about my mum not trusting her son in law and afraid that he is going to take her finances . I cannot confirm this source and I asked my mum and she has shown me all her conversations with her friends( she doesn’t have many)I know her she is very private about these things esp finances so it is not like her to say it so easily to her friends .

anyway my husband is greatly affected by what his bunch of friends heard about my mother saying stuff like that , which i can’t even confirm the source. And from then onwards, he started hating my family and saying he wants them out of his life and he doesn’t want to spend any second to see them.

it hurts me a lot as I can’t resolve this, I feel I could be a cause of the start of this but now it’s gotten so bad and I feel his reaction is too big.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can understand your husbands reactions. When you both married there was no one on the alter but you both, he didnt marry your family he only married you. While its great that spouse and inlaws get along it isnt always possible. When it becomes an expectation of your spouse he feels pressured and under obligation and therefore he feels trapped.

Although she is your mum it isnt ideal that you share all of your marriage details with her. eg "My mother and I are close so I share my difficulties about some marriage problems with her."  Yes telling your family he doesnt like them has thrown fuel on the fire. It hasnt helped. You said your mum can be rude and that isnt helpful either.

I'm sorry you feel sad about all this but I think you could help matters by concentrating on your husband, share more interests and make him your focus as he needs his marriage, he has made his decision and he only wants to be with people that accept him. You now feel like you have to leave him but this situation can turn around easily if you accept his feelings and share some activities more often and not ask him to blend with your family.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[shaz800]

Hi Tony, thanks for replying , it is good to get an outside view of the whole situation. I have thought that perhaps maybe trying to suggest spending some alone time may help. We actually haven’t had any time alone for years because it’s either one of us baby sitting at home as our kids are very young. It has maybe come to the point that I am so use to doing things on my own and so is he that we don’t share any interest anymore. Our communication has taken a downturn as whenever I ask if he could take some interest in asking how my day is for an example( as I do ask him, but now have lost interest since I’m not getting much response in return and am the one just doing the asking most of the time) 

The additional stress about him hating my mum gets brought up by him in most opportunity in most conversations we have and it can be draining. I have lowered my expectations of him and have told him I don’t expect the family to get along and he doesn’t need to show up for all but if he can show up for important family gatherings like Xmas and new year  just for me and more importantly to show a good example to the kids. I always show up to his family gatherings out of respect for him, and it doesn’t matter if I didn’t like his family if it was the case, I would just do it out of respect for my partner. I think the thing that bugs me the most is he can’t even do something small for me and I do feel he does not respect me in this sense.  

[Aria87]

Hey Shaz,

I came looking for some support on this, i know how you feel.

I am going through the same, my husband just doesnt like the ways of my parents and now just doesnt attend or want them around which as much as i try to support and not let it get to me, it does. I too had issues with my inlaws, i just sucked it up and continued to get over it, even when issues still arise. So i understand what its like having a husband who just cuts things off. Makes any event stressful, attending or visiting alone is horrible. making up excuses so the kids dont really understand what dads doing. I just keep praying that my husband will get over his stubborn thoughts and move on. Noone is asking him to visit anyone everyday, but when it counts he should do for me like i do for him. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Shaz800,

I’m sorry you are going through this, it must be hard to be caught in the middle so to speak. I can sympathise with your husband’s position as he must have felt very betrayed that you had spoken about him to your mother. You take ownership of this error and are looking for a way back. I think this is one of those things that will take time to heal and re-establish trust. He is probably feeling like he is unsupported by you, and so this would be a good place to start to mend the situation. The other problem is, does your mother want to mend the situation? I fear that any small headway you make may be undone by any rude treatment. Could you maybe explain to her that your marriage is really suffering because of this situation and you all need to make amends? And finally you then need to ask your husband what he needs to move forward as things can’t continue on this way long-term, either you divorce or you all try and move forward as they are your family and that’s never going to change. They say that every relationship needs 5 positive interactions to counteract 1 negative reaction, so I think any small things you can do to re-establish trust and tip that balance would be great