My happiness or my parents'

Jammi · ‎27-02-2016

Hi there,

My parents wont ever accept my boyfriend because he has depression. I am in love with him and have an extremely strong bond with him. They made me break up with him last year and if I didn't I was not allowed to leave my house. I have tried to be with him secretly a few times (which I know is never a good idea) and they have found out and it didn't end well.

Now I have been talking to him again and have told my mother I want to be with him. She said that there was no way she would ever accept him or allow me to date him. I now have the task of telling my father which causes me more anxiety than usual. I know that it won't end well and I will most likely be kicked out of home.

The issue that stresses me the most is I don't want to disappoint or make my parents unhappy. I come from a large family and strong culture where pleasing your parents is essential. They have given up a lot and work hard for their children except I am not happy. If I chose to make myself happy and be with the person I love then it causes them to be miserable. I cannot talk to anyone about this issue and was just wondering anyone else's opinion other than my own thoughts 🙂 I don't know what is more important making myself happy and staying with my boyfriend or maming my parents happy

Thank you very much for reading

Fairywings · ‎28-02-2016

Hi sweety I would totally follow your heart on this one. U do what feels right If the love and bond bw you and your partner is strong you can both work anything out. You remind me of my now hubby who at 18yr of age asked my parents to marry me but BC he had no family no job nothing but a great love for me they were strict in their ways and were not going to budge either. I too would have to sneak around to see him even tho my parents didn't like him for me, but i chose to follow my heart and nearly 20 years later we are married with a beautiful baby boy. As long as u guys have each other everything else will just fall in to place believe me. Love can conquer many things in life and I so happy u guys have such a strong relationship this will all work out time is the healer of all things. I hope things work out i know it will be very hard at the start but you guys have eachother and you will sort it out one way or another. Always here if you need to chat 🙂

white knight · ‎28-02-2016

Hi Jammi,

I tend to agree with fairywings- sort of. See, we don't know your age and age is important on this topic. Also, does your boyfriend have a job eg can he support you or can you support him eg would their be financial issues. If so it could be a tough ride.

Is their and aunt or uncle that you can confide in to find out the real reasons they are against him, it might not be just his depression, their could be cultural differences and so on. Once you find out these reasons if they exist, you can then work on the reasons with more clarity. Hope you can write back with more details.

Hope that helps.

Tony WK

Jammi · ‎28-02-2016

Hi Tony WK,

Thanks you for getting back to me. Sorry for leaving so many details out. Firstly my boyfriend and I are both 19. I am currently studying and have a casual job and he is also studying with a stable job. His family have said I am welcome to move in with them but I don't want to put his family in danger of my family.

The main reason they do no like him is depression as far as I know but they also believe that he isn't right for me. I used to have a close friend of mine that told my parents lies and made them see him in a negative light.

Hope that information helps

Jammi · ‎28-02-2016

Thank you so much for replying. It's nice to know that someone has been through a similar experience and that you're still strong with your husband. It gives me hope that me and my boyfriend can work things out xx

Fairywings · ‎28-02-2016

Anytime sweetheart. xxoo

pipsy · ‎28-02-2016

Hi Jammi. At 19 you are able to leave home if you like. Providing you have a good job and somewhere to live. From what you say, you have both. Your bf's parents have said you can live there if you want to. Perhaps you and bf live there for a while till you are able to move into a unit/flat together. Tony's idea about talking to a 3rd party (not emotionally involved) is a good idea too. It could be because your parents are concerned about your life that they're against your relationship. Perhaps, for now just be content with texting/emailing bf till m/d accept how serious you are. Once your parents see how stable bf is, they may soften and allow the relationship. Often parents are told things about people that might be true at the time, but can change later. If this is the case here, all you need to do is build bf up slowly. Gradually talk about how much he's doing with his life. Don't ram him down their throat, this will put them against him more. Let them know you love them, but you have to have your own life.

There's an old saying: Slowly, slowly, catch the monkey. Basically, take it slow and easy.

Best of luck. Keep the faith. If what you have is real and true, you'll win.

white knight · ‎29-02-2016

Hi Jammi,

I think the big problem here is your parents need to keep you close to them in every way. To break free from this over the top (for this day and age) parenting you'll need to make the break. How do you do this without additional hurt?

Hurt comes in all different sizes. If you hurt them heavily it could mean the end of your relationship because they, being the dominant type parents, might dig their heels in and have lots of pride. This could leave you in a scenario that unless you approach them you might not ever see them again. Close family might have events like a marriage and it will be uncomfortable for all.

I suggest, if financially viable, to go ahead setting up a home for you and your boyfriend. I'd be wary of moving in with his family....it generally never works and you don't want more family issues. Then accept that your parents will take a few years or so to get comfortable on the idea. You'll need to weather their disappointment but its your life. They had their choices when they were young.

In the meantime send birthday cards, mothers/fathers day cards and gifts. Ring them for short conversations only. Always tell them you love them and if they want to talk about your decisions then remind them that you respect their feelings but ultimately you are an adult and you are in love and ..."sorry mum and dad, you cant control love". "You've done such a great job bringing me up, providing for me and I will always be grateful, but I must follow my heart".

If you bow to their wishes, you always will and you'll marry one day someone that they approve of only to live a life of sadness.

Parents are great usually...sometimes their love for their children severs the boundaries that make their children happy. Their endeavor is good, their love is strong, their feelings are more about their own wishes than your choices. As Pipsy said, slowly slowly. And keep praising them all the while making a life for yourself.

Tony WK