My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Thanks Tony,

There's def something to that. My sister is a pretty powerful personality and will go NC with anyone who speaks truth to her. Or in my case if I ask a question. most recently "What happened?"

Thankyou,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

So I have been struggling a bit- a lot!- since Christmas and discovering my lovely (NOT) sister has been blocking me on her phone. So if I have sent messages she hasn't received them Happy birthday, happy christmas, nothing. I don't send abusive messages so there's no need for her to do this. And we both have young children, so there's a valid reason,(apart from aging parents) to at least stay in contact. My youngest has often begged to get in contact, ask for a play. When I got no response I figured she was ignoring me, or busy, not that she wasn't getting them I feel so hurt and let down.

This is particularly upsetting as she is in close proximity to my D who won't have anything to do with me and I do think she has a responsibility to be a bit more adult.

Anyway, last night I was practicing some inner enquiry, after talking about it on another thread,and was following my thoughts, seeking a root thought which would give me insight to my mind,and my low mood, and I came up with a random statement rolling around in my head about how I don't deserve to be alive.... URGHH!

As this thought was connected to my sister, it seems that the cause for my distress, when she treats me with disregard, is directly linked to my own sense of self worth.

Which seems obvious now that I'm writing it down.

I feel so angry that this thought has been controlling my thoughts and feelings about myself for so long, and am relieved to have put my finger on it. Still furious tho. Doesn't she realise how her words and actions have contributed to my lack of wellbeing, and that of my children? Of course this all must have started when we were children, and so I guess it's just one of those things, not my fault and not hers. But her current behaviour has definitely contributed to lots of things, including my D and her treatment of me.

Tony I think it's like you say, there's quiet corroboration and tacit agreement in treating a family member as worthless or somehow less than, and in ours it has begun at the top. It makes me so mad!!

Ah well, onward and upward, as Em mite say!

I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with this now in a positive way, but at least I am more aware of what my brain has been doing with her behaviour, and I shall be on the alert now.

Cheers everyone,

J*

[Matchy69]

Hi Jstar I am sorry that your sister has blocked you.I try to ring and text my brother bit he rarely replies back.He did reply to my text Christmas day after trying to contact him for months I thought ministers were suppose to be caring people.At least you know what is going on.
Mark.

[Jstar49]

Hi Mark,

That is so true! I do know where things are at now. I generally seem to expect better of some ppl than is realistic. I imagine that most ppl are willing to let bygones be bygones, so to speak, or to remember the good and brush over the bad. I looked after my sister's puppy and her children for 2 mths when she was struggling. It put my own life on hold. I loved it becos I got to spend time with the kids, but to have her then refuse to speak to me 2 months later was very hard to take. All becos I questioned of my parents why they continued to have holidays away with just her and her kids. (Dad took them to an Australian resort island) Next thing I know she's gone back to being cold.

Mum says she probs has MH issues too. I imagine she does. She won't get help though. Just sucks ppl up and spits them out. My mum is to scared to do or say anything which will upset her becos she will not let the kids go there if she does. Once when mum dropped by with her youngest in tow (she always used to babysit) and the kids had a play together, mum said she was afraid she was never going to see them again.

Then it was good.

Then it was not.

You get the picture.

Your brother is a minister? And he won't reply to your txts or contact you?

Wow that is really sucky. Why do ppl have to be so mean, and lacking in compassion. I just don't understand it.

Even if you may have done something or said something to upset him, he really ought to know better than to treat you that way. I believe most things can be worked out if ppl are sincere and genuine, and not a psychopath lol! Perhaps thats the problem. I hope God convicts him and he begins to behave with some decency, even tho it might seem to be too little too late. It's good to be at peace with ppl. Otherwise I find it weighs on my mind. I try to cut it away and ignore, but my mind keeps chewing it over. Trying to work it out. Trying to see if there's something I can do to make things better. Thats just me probably tho. Mum kinda raised us up to believe that everything is my fault. She didn't educate me about mean ppl, or bullies, or how to handle it. Talk about naive!

Ah well, live and learn!

Mark, I think you're an awesome person, with a lot to give. You're so kind and caring here on the forums, and you speak honestly and genuinely.

Thankyou for being here.

(and your brother is a blockhead!)

J*

[ecomama]

Oh heavens J* what a mess to try to untangle! I must be triggering a bit bec my typos are back in full swing but it's OK for me, grr for YOU!

Alexa would say your sister is going from idolising (having you care for the kids and dog, she'd NEVER kiss your feet kind of idolising) to demonising.

You've shown her up!
She hates it!

I think THIS is what's gone on.

AND OMG!

SO then "they" find ANYthing at all to embellish and exaggerate, like you're SUPPOSED to be some perfect person.

Same with the scape goat theory of your family.

Oh btw tracking back.... there are SO MANY more ppl NC with me than I could count!
Calling police on my mum ostracised me from over 40 of my CLOSEST relatives in one fell swoop - it just took years for me to work it out.

demon worked on the in-laws et al and there's hundreds of family there.

I've NCd a few "friends" who were just too horrible. No excuses.

SO I did something RIGHT (calling police, calling demon out etc) and NC happened.

You did something NORMAL ie asking a question... how dare you ask a question?
The demonising was happening before this time.
It could be called "Familial Isolation" and it's what abusers do to their victims.
Plus use them as a scape goat.
Plus use other family members as "minions" or "flying monkeys" as referred to in psych sites on DV / FV, to further isolate the target.

AND YOU don't have to have done anything at all wrong.

IMO just show them up by being you. (The things I've been called simply bec I was LIVING my life, supporting my kids is unbelievable).

Is this the sister you saw on Christmas Day?

Seems your D and sister have become "allies".

Yeah I got no contact from my brother at all over Christmas after I invited him to our place. He doesn't even acknowledge we're alive any more (I know why, it's ALL about money, my sil wants ALL the inheritance - long story). Might have to have "the talk" with him sooner or later.

Mark that's disgusting about your brother. More confirmation about the hypocrisy in "the church". I'd turn up to a sermon and introduce myself to the congregation!

Families can be just another eff word truly.

Love EM

[Matchy69]

Hi Jstar and em thanks you for your kind words.I think me being born was my brother's problem.We never got on when we were kids and nothing has really changed.I should be just use to it.

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

Thanks Em, thats all really useful info. Yes it does make sense, esp that bit about expecting me to be perfect somehow. Idolising wow. It sorta fits cos I'm the elder sib, so I guess the pedestal stuff. Would have thought she'd got used to it by now, but I guess it serves her purpose ie she gets m+d's attention pretty much to herself, cos I'm so awful that she can't be anywhere near me LOL! The things she has accused me of! and then when I pointed out that they're actually her traits, not mine...whoa...!!! So yeah, I can give it back too.

Guess I have to get used to it, we've both been adults for awhile, and nothings has changed. Yes same sister I saw at Christmas. Only got one! And we've got the only kids, apart from one bro who lives away. She lost a baby full term, so she's been particularly wounded since then. Still, no excuse. Things like that sometimes make ppl more compassionate, not more horrible. She had nothing to turn to, no beliefs, nothing. Not saying she needs to believe in God, but something spiritual or energetic/nature etc would have been helpful I think.

Yep D and sis def allies. They're both cut from the same cloth I think. I noticed as a child D had similar fingernails to sis- that was a warning in hindsight! Altho when we were estranged she wouldn't talk to D either. Looks like that's all forgiven.

Mark we never used to get along either! So I guess those beliefs about whether someone is worth your time and energy are set down in childhood. I'm just the sucker that thinks we should all grow up and get over ourselves. But whenever I try I'm told that "I don't have time for your shit!" Ok! Some ppl just want to be miserable I guess, and make others miserable too.

Thanks guys, it helps to vent, and have your feedback.

Still angry. Gona have to do something about that!

Good idea of Em's to turn up to a church service!! I'd love to see that!

Cheers

J*

[golden82]

Hi again Jstar - and all writing/reading this thread,

I hope everyone is 'okay' 🙂

I am sorry not posting much - I am exhausted/drained from this sort of abuse you guys are talking about. I have had a lifetime of it (I am 38yo now and it has gone off the charts the last 7 or 8..probably 10 yrs). I won't go into my story of hell, as this is your thread Jstar. But felt totally need to post this....as I am awakening also (slowly) from the fog I lived in (still living in - it is very hard to acknowledge ppl - your own family of origin can do this to you). It has destroyed me. I hope to get a bit of me back?? I hope this post will help some of you - Jstar for you - and anyone else reading....

Tony WK is ABSOLUTELY 1000% correct. Thank you for your clear info on this Tony WK 🙂 It happens behind your back - and maybe one or multiple ppl are what's called 'smear campaigning' about you. Sort of like gossip - and chinese whispers. Gathering/amassing everyone else to believe the lies they have made up about you. And feel sorry for them - the 'victim'. These followers - are known as 'flying monkeys' -

EM is also TOTALLY 1000% correct. And explains so much better than me. The flying monkeys - in my case are extended family. But could be friends/neighbours whoever will listen to the crap about you. These ppl are cowards and do not have a spine to stand by you. Or gaining something from the controller. Either way, you get left BLINDSIDED - and alone. Trying to disprove the slander - but it just gets worse. It sucks and drains your energy.

These ppl = if you can call them ppl - are what's called narcissists - and this is called narcissistic abuse. It is insidious and gaslights you - so that you believe their lies that you are the problem and makes you hate yourself etc. Obviously this is all very generalized how I am trying to put it for you guys. But I suggest you watch some youtubes of narcissism to gain an understanding.

In my case - as with EM - my family are strongly narcs - with father definitely psychopath also. Funny thing is he was convincing family members I am a psychopath. This is called projection. I am actually an empath. Which is why this sort of stuff affected me and has destroyed me - Because I feel (and is actually why you get targeted). From reading everyone here - I think you are likely empaths too. I am learning this is not a weakness, but a strength to care.

[golden82]

oops sorry EM - I re-read my post and my poor spelling and way of writing made it sound like your family are narcs...I am so sorry - I meant your 'demon' ex you write about. Not your beautiful family/kids. Hugs to you EM - you are an inspiration 🙂

[Jstar49]

Hi Golden,

Thanks for writing here, it def helps to know I am not alone, although it just sux that so many ppl go thru this sort of thing with family members!

I could not believe for so long (and still find it hard) to think that this sort of behaviour could be purposeful and not just an aberration , a result of a miscommunication that could be sorted out. Like I say, I am naive! It wasn't until I could see that my sis had a vested interest in making me look bad- ie she gets to keep all the attention for herself and looks good in the process- that I could start to realise this was no accident. My mum absolutely supports the gaslighting and tries to make me responsible for everyone else's behaviour, as I'm seeing more clearly now. It's really hard to think of her as a narcissist- everyone thinks she's lovely.... My dad tho, he's def something...

Gosh I have tried so hard to explain this to ppl! Thanks guys for explaining it to me. I feel sad cos I know it's only thru your own sad and bad experiences that you understand this stuff and I'm just glad we can support each other.

Golden I'd love to hear more of your story. Please feel free to share it here, or if you have a thread where I can read up on it I shall. Totally happy to talk about it here tho.

I guess having empathic abilities as a superpower also needs strong boundaries to balance it out... I learnt to protect myself when giving a massge or else I would take on the other persons headache or whatever. Maybe it's like that.

Big hugs,

J*