My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I bet she loves her mum's confidence in her. 🙂  you commented she can be too considerate of others at times...and it's important to look after herself, too.

Me... well, that's a long story and you got a bit of it in one of my other threads. LM has been in hospital (only just out after well over a week), Sir Pecks had a vet trip a couple of days ago, I have been unwell (iron deficient, which has sorely undermined my ability to do the things I've needed to), and work has miraculously managed to get even worse than it was already. So, everything's peachy. >: |

I guess I understand that. There are times when you just need to do the thing, and writing about it is secondary. Could help to take some of the pressure off, though.

I can't recall if you've said anything about H's past in regard to this jealousy he has, has he had his trust violated in that way before you were together? He's clearly got some stuff to work through.

I'm sorry the rental market has gone nuts. I get little cards from real estate agents now and then telling me house prices are rising in my area, asking if I want a valuation. Could be useful for refinance purposes I suppose. Still, that's all well and good for me - the current state of the world is really making it so hard for people who need to get out of a bad space.

Less explosive is good, I guess. I remember in the six months or so before I left the abusive ex, I just stopped caring, stopped reacting to his BS, and things were actually calmer. I've probably told you about that before. It does sound like you're in a place of starting to let go. It's an uncomfortable limbo to be in.

The self care sounds great, at least being able to pay for a little trip and some shopping. It's important having that time with your daughter and seeing her happy too. Yeah, those what ifs will come up, but ultimately you're where you are and you have your daughter, that is perhaps enough to justify your trajectory, even if other stuff about it doesn't feel so great. If not for my ex, I wouldn't have my two perfect birds. There can be good to come of the things we don't always feel so great about.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Its getting a bit nippy! Must be colder down sth. This cold spell is pretty widespread!

Im sorry to hear about LM and his hospital stay. Hope the iron levels have sorted out by now, that does make things difficult. How is Sir Pecks now?
It’s cute that the fluff balls are a positive outcome from what sounds like a whole bunch of crap. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?!

things are ok atm with D- he’s obviously trying hard. Still get random episodes of jealousy and weird, and very little connection, but still improving. Yeah he had girls that did the dirty- cheated and lied and all that. Went hard core single for a long time- as in no attachments. One night stands. Then he found God and was born again! But funny, cos it’s all still there hey. Hmm. I hadn’t thought of things like that before. Guess it makes sense.
I kinda wonder what will happen. Even if it’s not abusive or a real downer, there’s so little holding us together. I guess time will tell.
This work business is a real drain on ones creativity hey! Altho I do find that I get stuff done more quickly. Amazing really. And lately D has been great, washing up , getting into garden. So that’s huge. I sometimes think we’d be great as just house mates! It makes sense in so many ways!
great to hear from you

big hugs

j*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Sorry for the late reply, things have been difficult for me recently. I don't have the heart to go into it now, I wrote a bit about it on my main thread. Suffice to say, no good news about any of the things you asked about.

Sounds like H's past is a good explanation for his jealousy. I can attest to how deeply infidelity messes with you. He needs to address that stuff directly, it sure doesn't fix itself on its own, born again Christian or not. I seem to recall a phrase along the lines of "God helps those who help themselves". I don't believe in God, but I do know help of any form doesn't just land in one's lap. Gotta do the work, sometimes there is help and sometimes there isn't. I do understand your dismay over the lack of connection. Not being abused is a nice start, it's by no means the whole picture - a relationship needs to be fed.

How are you going with work? Have you been able to do anything creative outside of work? I'm glad D has been helping you around the house and making things easier for you.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.