My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi girls,

just a quick update while I wait before my interview- I’m way early lol!-

counselling was awesome. H talked snouts his past, and the effect of witnessing DV has been correlated to what’s going on now- his feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger are similar both in past and present. So, effects of trauma, the whole gamut. As a victim of crime he can maybe access counselling which is also giving us hope that he will follow thru and get help so that’s great. He feels heaps better for talking about it. I’ve been releasing tears sadness etc etc ( separate cars today) cos I reckon I absorbed some of the old emotions as he talked. He’s never properly processed it of course.
so! Great progress!

I was very brief about last nite- I’m trying to minimise my being on the forums as me being on my phone or computer tends to trigger him. And it’s been so nice these past 2 weeks!
last nite I came home from a school thing - parents, kids, social get to know you thing- and within moments T had said a phrase which triggered H. All hell didn’t quite break loose- as we recognised today cos it’s so diff from his dads behaviour he doesn’t see it as being a problem- but the atmosphere changed, he started saying stuff, muttering. The intensity of him in those times frightens me. Anyhow we talked about it in counselling.
So good.
We’ve had lunch, and he’s more open about his inner self than I’ve seen him, ever probably. Although it may not seem like it to an outsider. He’s done a lot of shitting down to function I think. And he does function very well in the physical material world.

whew! It’s taken over a year to begin to unravel this!

upside to today is he no longer feels as much shame and blame about seeking help. He’s able to see that he needs help recovering from what was done TO him.
must go! Wish me luck!

J*

[ecomama]

GOOD LUCK! Hours and hours later....

if you want to share how things went in the interview, please do.

That's some deep progress of Hs in Counselling.
I hope he can feel "lighter" for offloading this stuff to someone else?
And that the Counsellor could validate his emotions about it all?

If he could see the direct correlation / obvious connection to what he witnessed / suffered... how these events and climate of his FOO household is basically being recreated by his present behaviours?? all the better.

You don't have to be stomping around in overt rages to create a climate of fear and control.
It can be done as "passively" as H is practising right now.

Detectives described our family as the most coercively controlled family they'd ever met.
Shocking.

Blooming OUT from this period is our aim ie Living wholeheartedly.
It needs alot of "fertilisation" beforehand as we all know ie All the sense we're making of ourselves, our reactions and our family dynamics through mental health and wellbeing work.

Not for the feint of heart as we know FOR SURE.

I can see you moving ONWARDS and UPwards regardless J* and that's the material point here.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Absolutely Em!

It was really helpful having a male C there as well. He'd actually experienced similar things, and had done work on his own anger as a result, so was really able to empathise with H, as well as H hearing me, and seeing me reveal how obviously upsetting it was/is for me when he does this. It was also id'd during the session how I tend to shutdown during/after one of these episodes, which I haven't been able to discuss with him as it's just not a safe enough environment usually- becos he has found it so hard to id any problem with his behaviour becos he's NOT doing what his dad did......

Such a difficult thing to untangle and I really felt for him....

Trigger warning: .......As he described the carnage of what he lived with, woke up to, his mums shattered face on regular occasions.....I could see it from his point of view. And experienced his shutdown,could feel how he had literally STOPPED FEELING, becos he had almost no alternative if he was going to function. It explains why our conversations rarely go very deep.

We've a long way to go. He didn't mention anything to his new Dr, as he's hoping this victims of crime angle will provide some help. Which is good- at least the hope of free counselling is removing an obstacle.

It's such a game changer for DFV to have that coercive control recognised as violence. I can't help but feel that women have been generally under this situation, by men, forever almost. Just like racism against anyone of darker skin was totally accepted, sexism and women being second class citizens, unable to think for themselves, own property (!), make their own decisions, earn money and be independent, even whilst in a r/ship.....It take ages to change all that conditioning. For men as well as women.

Of course, some men have exploited it more than others, and demon seems to be one of those. Power hungry.

I'm watching a movie when a female scientist in a room of men is automatically assumed to be there to make the tea. Blurghhhh!

And last nites movie, Colette, was about an author who's husband naturally assumed her books as his own, as they would sell better. Then later, when the truth was out, tried to pass it off as a collaboration....a few notes in the margins of her manuscripts....

Honestly Em, these changes we are making, for our children, they are huge. Male and female, hopefully, it will be a new world.

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Thankyou for sharing more, I know this is privileged information, I for one appreciate you being able to TELL part of your own story being Hs as well.

You're so brave and you're doing so freaking well!

I'm SO PROUD of you both! YOU and H and a special Blessing on your marriage and relationship moving forward, come what may.

NB: Remember if H is just beginning to open up to a wider audience, this can be confrontational for him for while (the feelings of vulnerability are hard to identify at first - they can assume the masks of anger, frustration and a feeling of "IDK what I'm doing or feeling").
I'm so grateful he has a male C who has experienced similar.
This can be a bonding experience to make him feel safe to share.
Awesome.

I didn't know when to share this with you, but I will now while it can be thrown into the mix for consideration.
H or you may need to contact ppl to understand processes of claiming Victim's Services financial support.
I've found them angelic and wonderful in every single way to speak to. Be bolstered by this!
I Pray you both have the same experience!

IME reporting to Police needs to occur first (I may be wrong! VS will help guide you).

I've found so many "Agency" type ppl have no clue about the processes and can often misguide a person. Their 'info' or understandings are often outdated and they've not kept up to date with the changes... how could they lol, things change ALL the time!

I'll be back.
Family just arrived.

Love you lots!!
SENDING PRAYERS but clearly you are SO BLESSED already!
I'm so grateful!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi J*,

A short one, as I have a mountain of stuff to do and a timer on how long I can spend on the forums today.

Really glad the counselling session was so productive. Definitely a male counsellor with similar experience to your husband is a boon. Sounds like he really got a lot out of the session, and so did you.

It's certainly shed a lot of light on why he behaves and feels as he does, and why he has struggled to express it. It's good also for you both to get a snapshot of how violence can be enacted in other ways, and for him to understand how his behaviour negatively affects you.

Yeah, gender roles are such a contentious issue, and they shouldn't be. As a society we are moving far too slowly on changing the paradigm. Let's hope just within your relationship, that paradigm can shift a bit faster. It's individuals that spark off huge change in the greater community.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Thanks guys,

it really helps having you all to voice this out to- but you know!

I’m currently watching my feelings of ......resentment? Almost, not quite. See, I’ve been working for so long to get to this point with him, and now that we’re here, and he’s starting to see his own issues, root causes etc, NOW I’m feeling jacked off, big time, about the past couple years, and all the shot that’s gone down.
it does and it doesn’t make sense.
I had to spend time today, just handing it over to god, letting him understand me, cos part of me just wants that acknowledgement of what it’s been like for me. H is mood swinging a bit- probs like you say Em, feeling vulnerable, processing. His dad just got out of hospital too, so there’s that struggle of, loving and being angry. At the same time.

ah well. It’s an improvement. We’re moving ‘onwards and upwards!’ Lolol 😁

I might find out soon about the job. It’s a local one- the away one had a much longer wait time before I find out.
had a lovely time with our friends yesterday. Very tiring tho so today was a bit restful. A bit of gardening, and washing, a little nap. I’ve been looking up sewing patterns. Getting inspired, now my sewing room is looking more streamlined. Tho lots to go there too.
My pantry still has two shelves to clean! Just when I think I’ve done all the boring stuff...There’s always more!

Hope you’re well girls.
cheers

J*

[ecomama]

Excuse me Blue while I go all spiritual for a while lol!!

That's so wise. Giving it all to God, I've done that so much in my life... it's when I take it BACK that I screw things up lol.

Remember that detachment is a Virtue mentioned in all the Holy Books on Earth.

I'm already hearing you that it's hard!!

OMG marriage is hard full stop.

You are allowed to feel resentful.
You're allowed to feel angry.

Heck you're allowed to feel any way you feel J*.

Brene's podcast talks about these feelings that so many people try to push away or ignore or live in denial about... (the one called "Uncomfortable conversations with a Black Guy" has great POVs on denial..) but Brene says to THANK these feelings!

THANK THEM.

THANK YOU SO MUCH resentment because you have..... finish that sentence.

By thanking these feelings (that we've been told from the DAY DOT NOT to have) then we lead ourselves to an integrated self.
Not a splintered self.
Fractured self and self image.

Always telling ourselves HOW to behave and how to think blah blah blah.

It's REAL and you are being so real with yourself and us. We are human BEINGS after all lol.
Just BE.

This is darned hard work so CONGRATULATIONS YOU J*.

I freaking know how hard this is.
I ADMIRE your strength and fortitude and motivation to sort this stuff.

Fingers crossed, kissing the lucky stone, Praying heaps for the RIGHT job to open it's doors for you. Where's that 4 leafed clover lol... ah there it is... 🍀

You're AWESOME. Wonderfully and perfectly made.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Aww Em!

Thankyou! You're the best!

I just love you guys, everyone here, the feedback on my thoughts makes such a difference, rather than just thinking them to myself lol!

I love that thought about being integrated, rather than fractured. SO TRUE! I have been struggling with the feeling of resentment, not wanting to be this way, feeling a bit ashamed of myself for not being...holier than thou, I guess. Perfect! You're right, bugger that! Bugger perfection, and all the expectations that go along with it! Sure, it's probably not the best time to express all this to my mate, who is working hard physically around the house (so probably avoiding some stuff churning away inside) but it's so great to be able to express them here with you guys, and get that acceptance!

H was sweet this morning btw. He went and got milk (which I need for my morning cuppa tea) and dropped it at home before going to work. With a kiss. No resentment expressed at my ability to stay in bed for an extra half hour while he goes and earns the bacon. I appreciated that! And I will tell him too. Sometimes its the little things hey....

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Awww J8 ofcourse! You're so very welcome. Hugs.

That was so sweet of H doing that for you. Remember those Love Languages things?
I wonder if Hs are Service?

Sometimes when someone doesn't express their love and appreciation the same ways we do, we can look right past their efforts.
Perhaps that's his?
IDK lol.

I'm having my first cup of tea today and it's almost 5:30 pm lol.
Busy day.

You know that stuff about feeling resentment etc... do you know why you feel this way?

Maybe these feelings are trying to BUMP us onto our preferred path?

Or on another level, just there to tell us we're not feeling good about this or that.

I need a nap, I'm zonked.
Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Thats a long day to go without a cuppa! No wonder you needed a nap! Hope things are settling down now, altho in your thread you said you were done with early morning starts- thats good! I'm not sure how I would cope with that- badly methinks!

So, I got the job. Or at least, I've been accepted to 'progress further' with mentoring, and then induction. Thay said they were so impressed by my interview they've also passed my resume onto another section, in case there's an opening there. So encouraging! This is the local job. I asked for guidance in deciding which one would be best for us all, and this is the one which has come up. The added bonus of being recognised for my skills, despite not having job experience, has reinforced that this place has opportunities for me. So, in the next few weeks life will be changing muchly, for us all.

Hence, I'm sewing 'smart casual' clothes, and organising the kitchen, streamlining food production, trying to get on top of everything.

We're going to have a family meeting. Things went a bit pear shaped last night. We're working that out. H's tendency to over react to perceived slights ( as well as his paranoia flaring up) combines with his tendency to underreact the next day- ie pretend it was no big deal, the way he behaved, and only want to talk about the perceived slights. Hmmm. He finally apologised, which means we can reset. So hard when he just wants to blame, and not acknowledge the effect of his intense anger in those moments. Always at dinner time too. My porr digestion! Poor T!

He hasn't been talking much, and hasn't followed up on any counselling options. No doubt he's hoping it will go away, now he's put his finger on the problem. We know it won't.

I've put a wall around myself again.

Also, I rang my eldest d, and she hung up on me. I rang back and left a message. I think it was a good one. I hope she will listen to it. Just asking for a clean slate. Telling her I did my best by her, and I'm sorry. I know it's not good enough. I love her, and I want to be in her life. Putting it all out there.

I have been perceived as not caring, because I don't want to guilt trip, or make things difficult. Hopefully now she knows, if she listened, that I do care.

I didn't tell H, or T. It would just upset them. I know I need to see my C again soon, cos it's all building up, next week hopefully.

J*