My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi Mark,

Yeah ok I think we talked about him- the pastor who doesn't know about human decency and compassion...?

Yeah don't invite him!

It's a bit different for dads isn't it? As a mum, my kids have always had some ppl, friends or older family friends, Like aunty figures almost. And these ppl have at different times been important in my kids lives also. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child, and it's great if you've got someone, even an elderly neighbour or something, who cares about your kids and enjoys the generational exchange.

Our elderly neighbours give our d a bday present each year. And we get Christmas pressies too- awful smelly toiletry things which I can't even stand to have in the house! But it's nice for them, and nice for T. We used to invite them to dinner but he's actually got some really bad habits of talking in a racist way, and as his wife is Aboriginal I wouldn't stand for it at my table. So we keep it short now!

I'm not sure what your neighbours are like. Sometimes it can be better to just say hello at the gate!

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Oh dear J*

I DO NOT disrespect you AT ALL! Not one bit! omg. You're amazing, hugs!

As for the comments lol...
"Now see, I can tell that you're not one of these ppl Em, or at least, that your threshhold for overwhelm is set at a vastly different level to mine!"

oh dear, somehow I've vastly misrepresented myself lol...in YOUR eyes anyhow!
Gee thanks J* lol.

It's actually the other way round in my mind.
I remember you asking me before something like "how do you decide what to DO next?"
IDK how to answer that succinctly.

I have a Priority Order routine for work days & days off.
Ofcourse I'd LOVE to have all things perfect at home before I head to work but it's NOT that way & never ever will be that way. I understand the perfectionist streak but it's not conducive to a successful career or happy family life lol...

Priority order weekdays:
* LEAVE FOR WORK / SCHOOL on time.
* I usually wake 2h before I need to leave
* feed all pets
* kids set own alarms, get up themselves
* school uniforms / my work clothes out night before (each child has their own laundry basket to collect with their clean clothes)
* take banana for breakfast
* lunches organised night before, school snacks accessible for kids to choose.
* check laundry if time

Weekdays after work:
* drive kids to work & back
* do laundry
* pack / unpack dishwasher
* shopping on way home from work.

Weekend routine is set around plans ie minding grandkids / pets, driving kids to work,appts etc.
* LOTS of laundry done - almost constant
* dinners planned 2-3 nights ahead (I used to do this 7 days ahead with multiple birth babies!)
* check fridge / freezers to see what I've got to defrost to cook dinners with & cupboards for potatoes etc.
* formulate shopping lists regularly! lol. Permanent list on the bench for everyone to add to.
* floors on weekends (clean up spot issues during the week)
* kids change own bed linen
* kids mostly do the next load of washing (3 baskets to sort dirty clothes in to).

WHEN the wheels fall off the wagon as they invariably do, with "urgent" things, then ofcourse those things are dealt with first, doesn't matter about the rest.

"Cos I just would not cope with your life, not in summer particularly."
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that! LOL!

When LOVE is the motivation, you'd be surprised at what one can achieve!
I'm "it" for all my kids.
There's no one else as a parent.

I feel JOY, not burden.

It's wonderful having autonomy!

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Em,

I am so not amazing! But thanks! I'll take it anyway.

Sounds like a lot of washing!

What happens when the wheels fall off the wagon Em? Are you ok when that happens?

Yes, for love, one can do almost anything. I know when I was helping my sis out with pup and kids, I got soo much done, in the way of looking after- not much done in my own creative life. Was midway thru a poss business venture, dropped the ball and life took a different turn. All good, but I kinda resented it when she ditched me again. Grrr. Don't get me started! All that 'turn the other cheek' stuff from my childhood gets me very confused with this issue!

Anyway,

live and leaarn!

Not going there again, not long term anyway. I don't mind driving my friends kids to the swim carnival, picking them up after and organising food and fun, but she doesn't take advantage. Plus her kids are absolute sweethearts. I love them.

I love my nieces too. It was so nice having them around. I hope they remember those times. The eldest looks at me warily at family dinners.

Hmm, there's that anger. Right there. Pity it's dark or I'd be taking it out in the garden.

Thanks for your words re anger Em. I think it's spot on for my situation atm.

Ha, if you lived closer I'd be your back up! You are exactly the sort of person I play back up to a lot! Multiple births too! Whoa!

It reminds me of a comment someone once made- every woman needs a wife.

Love you,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

ONWARDS and UPwards I guess hey?

Oh yeah I hear you re: the religious stuff lol, I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater though. Just ditch what's NOT conducive to a beautiful life.
Base ones for me are "God is LOVE", 'Be still and know that I am God', "HOPE anchors the soul" , "He who is without sin, cast the first stone (lol)" AND "Know THYSELF".

The "Full Armour of God" was a beautiful mantra for the Courts.
I had lots of conversations with Pastors over that one lol!

BF & I made up a funny one together NOT in line with Christian Faith though lol!!
"There must be a God and She loves us!"

BF doesn't call himself a Christian but being immersed in a culture of integrity, he shows himself to be more in line with Christian Values than most others I know.

WHEN the wheels fall off the wagon, and tbh I EXPECT they will at times, because THIS IS LIFE!...then I react to the "urgent" things ONLY.

Like:
Accidents / injuries / illnesses.
Vets.
Police call outs 🙄 (only 3 last year but verging on another 12 or so, SO MANY fewer than the years before so I call that PROGRESS! LOL!!!)
Emergencies really.

Being "organised" really helps keep the ship on course when the wheels fall off lol!

Even if it's worse, then it's easier to get BACK on course with the systems I have in place in the house.

The kids have had an "Emergency Plan" for demon appearing for the past 5 years.
We practiced it which I hated doing but doing this practice really helped when it was NEEDED.
Something like a "Drill".

Tbh when it's a TRUE emergency ie life and death, I'm all over it. Mother being a nurse and all, we attended many roadside accidents as children, so I just go into full swing.

Also as I was saying to Blue, I USE my phone Diary to "space appointments out".
My aim is to only have ONE extra appt per week (lol barely works out that way) but BEFORE I phone to make the appt I block out 3 appt times that suit ME.
Then keep going till we get one that suits ME.
Delete the unused times.

I do as many phone appts as possible.

IF it's an IN person appt and I need another one, two or three, I stand at the receptionist's desk & make those AHEAD of time while I'm there. EG at our Chiro, for Counselling etc.

I avoid phoning another time like the plague bec it interferes with my "free time".

OMG I FOUND something SO AMAZING I esp wanted to share with you & anyone else!
IDK where to post it tho lol... in the "quotes I like thread maybe"?

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Those are some lovely bible quotes for sure. It's amzing how much all religions have in common isn't it. Including the fact that ppl can remove the essence and replace it with greed, hate, denial etc ect.

I love the one about "The God of your fathers" -This helps me in understanding and accepting others spiritual pathways. And def "Be still and know that I am God"- meditation in a nutshell for me.

Today I'm working thru some sadness, re my sisters disconnection. Its just so sad to think of the cousins growing up in the same area and rarely meeting. Today a fantasy slipped in- shared movie nites, laughter, love, not walking on eggshells.

Those thoughts are dangerous.

Your mum sounds like a complicated woman. It's great that Alexa can id the guilt trip. My mum has that too, funny how its a common weapon of the era. Power. Your father sounds like a proper bastard. I'm so sorry Em. I'm sure Alexa will see it for herself. How can she not, with your wisdom guiding her? Just trust her, trust yourself.

We have a wedding to go to tmw. Bought T gorgeous gold strappy sandals to go with her dark blue swirly silk dress. With her long hair she looks amazing.

I managed to get an appt with a psych next week. New Doc is drawing up the MHCP. Blood work for headaches- she's promising the lifestyle talk, and questions if my emotional state mite be contributing to the migraines. (Which is what it sounds like to her). So I'm putting myself in the hands of the Doc, for now!

How are you feeling about your med. diagnosis? Kinesiology huh? Thats def one of the alternative medicines I don't really understand, altho it's been explained to me.

H is getting more able to talk about his poss diagnosis. It's freaked him out. What he has been convinced is me lying, cheating and 'talking around' (lol not screwing around) he mite have to accept is his problem. He's agreed to see a Dr. Maybe even a psych. I feel some relief, but it's a long way to go. His tolerance for talking about things is pretty low. Not sure how he'll go with therapy.

Tbh atm I'm having a hard time with myself, let alone H. It seems everywhere I turn I see my thoughts and actions as being unhelpful, causing irritations, or reacting badly to irritations. And as my awareness grows about other ways of thinking and behaving, then I get quite critical with myself- and others!

Ye Gods! Its the critical mother syndrome! I hate it!

Mothers!

Well, must get some sleep before our long day tmw.

I'll find BB quotes

bfn,

J*

[ecomama]

Gosh J* I went through so many emotional reactions to that post, so YOU must be swirling!

Lots going on.
I can understand the need for stability SOME WHERE.

Losing family is NEVER easy, most esp when we didn't want to lose them. Hugs.

Loving T's dress and pretty sandals! Sweet!

Gosh you need some RADICAL self-care over there J*!

Breathe OUT lol. Pushing out the CO2 is what we need. Not all the hypertensive quick breaths that anxiety creates.

You have a BEAUTIFUL soul J* and for those who refuse to KNOW that, well they can go jump in the lake lol.
Everyone makes faux pas, everyone does things to upset others EVEN when they're not trying to!

Don't let anyone tell you how perfect they are by their criticism of you. It's all hogwash.

Your INTENTION is what I know.

Thankyou for sharing more about H stuff.
It's so difficult when you live with someone going through this.

Hey what's the deal with the accusations?
Doesn't sound very "healthy" behaviour or conducive to a loving and trusting relationship, does it?
I really don't like my own reaction to hearing this. I'll share it if you want me to.

Talk about "cheating"... my friend, J, from school who lives in Qld texted me tonight and sent me some lovely pics. He proposed a few years ago, I told BF.
Now I have to tell BF about these texts also.
Even me texting J feels like cheating!

But so many of our friends have horrible illnesses and both J and I are pretty panicky that each of us will get something diagnosed too. We've been friends for over 40y and I treasure this friendship SO MUCH.

J8 I really hope you can shed these awful feelings you're having. I know "going through it" is important. Sitting with the emotions, yes. This is what I get in trouble from Alexa about, I just want to rush in and hug you and say "It's going to be OKAY! HANG IN THERE! YOU are so important!" even though this wouldn't fix it.

It's the saddest thing on earth knowing you can't fix someone else's broken heart.

Worse when you know they don't deserve any of it one bit.

I hope you have a really nice time at the Wedding and take LOTS of happy photos of T looking so cute! See if you can get a mama and daughter one.

Take very good care of our J*

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Em, You're so lovely!

I had tears when I read your comment re my intentions- its a true statement and I might be able to use it one day. It was never my intention to hurt anyone. I know I have inadvertantly, and that poor communication all round has made things way more messy than needed. I have given up on anyone else saving this situation and now understand that if anyone will, it will be me, and only in time. No-one else has the skills or the time or desire!

It's true that I have pushed my parents away. And I recall one NYE when I turned down an invite, by my sis, to a NY's celeb at her place, with mum and dad. I just couldn't cope with family NY as well as Christmas! It was soon after that they started going away for the week after Christmas. I guess they really like each others company!

So it's not all one sided, I realise. I just never thought that it would cause problems. I never do. I think it's ok to be honest and open and evryone else will too, and we can talk about it. But..... so not the case!

Oh Em, How are you doing with BF now? I replied on your thread but am still thinking about it. Hope you're back to you. I know how important that relationship is to you.

Relationships can be sooo disappointing!

H's mistrust has been a stone in the shoe of our relationship for a long time, it's only lately it's coming out in the open. Do you know he's correcting my grammar? Even tho he's the uneducated one, and any lapses I have adopted have come from living with him for so long. He says I have changed. DUH! I have been married to Him for nearly 11 years! It has changed me!

Anyway the other stuff, about him being convinced I'm 'speaking', is so much clearer. I'm still not sure if he's the right guy for me, but I try not to give that much thought. If we survive, we survive. If we don't, I'll have to deal with that then. We don't have much trust or intimacy now, so we've got a long way to go yet. I explained that to him recently.

Not sure if thats why he was very obliging about spending extra time away on the w/e so I could catch up with very special GF for brunch. I joked and said that was my valentines pressie. Usually he would be too impatient to get home, so it was extra nice. She has a new BF so was excited we could meet him.

Wedding was awful. Raining, bride and groom obviously having troubles,Covid nazi woman on the warpath. Crazy.

Lovely pics of T tho 🙂 And a nice one of me.

Got to nurture friendships... We owe ourselves that.

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I will check your reply on my thread in a minute.

I think it's VERY telling about how hurt a person is feeling, when someone is KIND to them and tears well in their eyes.

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt. Hugs.

Life is very unfair and unjust at times. I'm sorry.

IDK, I truly find when others expect so much from us, as in the case of your parents and sis, then they really have no idea what could possibly be going on in YOUR life.
IE what YOU are trying to manage, deal with, cope with, handle etc.

I think it's especially immature and selfish, that's my take.

You HAVE rushed in and given huge amounts of support!
But this kind of "crisis care" cannot be expected as the status quo, surely not!
This amount of self-sacrifice cannot be either assumed or abused.

But selfish ppl DO expect it, snap their fingers, EXPECT stuff no matter how comfortable you are to do so or not!

I ALWAYS give my loved ones the OPTION of doing something or not.
And say so! With no emotional crap entailed.
I start the sentence with "You can say NO and that's okay! But would you like to ..... some time?" then I get an honest response - hopefully lol.

And STILL J* I offend ppl! LOL! OMG!
I've done "so much of my own work" as Brene says but heck I've got a long darned way to go and I never expect to be perfect anyway so there it is lol.

Thankyou for sharing more about H.
I know this is deeply personal, like SO personal.

Correcting your grammar now hey?
That's a wonderful way to gain closeness, ain't it? lol.

SOME PEOPLE J*. Seriously.

Have you read the stuff in Covey about the deposits and withdrawals in another person's "emotional bank account"?
VERY TRUE.

Trust is a BIG one.
Women really need "trust" so much more than men IME to feel the love for intimacy.
Sex does NOT have to be "intimate".
Extending care in all ways can keep true intimacy going.

Tbh with my last marriage it was "think of England", revolting.

I swore I would NEVER allow that again.

Not a nice Wedding then?
SO GLAD you got lovely pics of you and T lol.

Very happy you had time with your GF!
That's so sweet.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Thanks for the hugs lovely.

I'm doing good today. I had a talk with my new GP yesterday to do the MHCP. Left feeling much worse!!! I guess it's sometimes the way when you talk to someone. She had some good tips for me, and more, her qu's helped me to clarify what it is that I want out of life, and personally, out of this counselling process.

For me, getting a handle on my emotions, so I can have difficult conversations with difficult ppl.

Getting back to feeling good, enjoying life.

And it made me realise something else. I have struggled like this before. I have experienced bouts of deep depression in my life, triggered by life events, but always, at the root of it, is the thought that I am not worth very much, because my parents aren't/weren't able to show me unconditional love, in a way that nurtures me.

That thought is really starting to sink in, and allows me to START to realise......that this is about them, not me. That I need to nurture my own sense of self worth. I need to look elsewhere for those messages.

So, last nite, even tho my head was swirling, and I felt physically unwell, I made myself take the dog for a walk. I even practiced my doc's suggestion, of talking out loud to the person I want to express my feelings to (Lots of tears there, as I walked thru the bush- glad my dog is very non-judgemental!).

And this morning, I got up, prayed, (funny how the prayers change when life is tough), showered, took my d to school, and came home and put a salsa excercise DVD on. That felt good. Not sure if it was the excercise as much as my laughter at myself- I'm a bit hopeless at following these sorts of things!!!! Ha LOLolol!

So, in short, I'm settling in for the hard work of getting back to happy. My head hurts, I feel like I'm going to cry, but I can do this.

I don't know what will happen with Jem, and I don't know if my relationship with my mum and dad, or sister, will ever be better than ok, but I'm going to find a way to not let those things get me down in this pit of despair.

Oh Ash Barty has just lost her match! So sad for her! Such a reality check.

And my H! He has moments of sheer loveliness, like last night when he prepared dinner beside me, totally willing and able. I was feelinjg so tired and worn down I didn't know how I was going to. I know that sounds like a small thing, but he was tired from work, and he did it with good grace.

Thankyou for reminding me to stay true to what I believe.

Much work ahead,

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* wow another swirling post, hope you're not still dizzy from all of that today. HUGS.

That was SO sweet of H to make dinner. Yes it IS "MUCH"! lol. That means alot I'm sure.

I've had a little 10 minute think about the goals you said you want from Counselling (C)...sure I agree.
Ummm "Getting a handle on emotions to have diff convos with diff ppl" OMG!
Really J*? that's BIG.

It will be very mentally healthy for you to discuss all this with your C.

Not only will alot of child and adulthood trauma need to be "worked through" but also a recognition of the "types" of ppl you're dealing with here.
Also the "depth" of relationships you are ideally hoping for?
Closure and a restart maybe?

IME these types of ppl are no more interested in working thru "your" issues with them than fly to the moon. They're just way too selfish.

I'm not sure whether they have the capacity for the kinds of relationships that YOU want to have with them.

But if you're talking about with H then I'm completely in total 100% understanding of this for this important relationship. (Not that they ALL aren't important! But THIS one is a "contract" lol! AND you live with him).
For the intimacy to return in a wholehearted manner, you will need to trust him, that at least he won't be throwing wild accusations at you.
(Tbh I'm concerned there's some projection going on there - which makes me uncomfortable).

The reasons why I'm saying all this is because I feel I know you to be an extremely empathic, kind, generous, strong and questioning soul.... MORE for sure!
I doubt you'll EVER change this inner essence of yourself.
I don't WANT you to lol!!!

It's how you were CREATED; perfectly and marvellously.

Some times, maybe alotta times, we expect ppl to have the same depth as us. Thinking things like "IF they CARED about me then they'd be doing X Y Z".... but this isn't fact.

Covey (lol) says the most beautiful yet complex one liner that nails this!
"We judge other people's actions by our OWN intentions".

It takes so much thought to truly understand and ACCEPT this one, it could make your head hurt all over again! But it's SO TRUE!

Some ppl (EVEN FAMILY) will never be able to be "like us". To show us they care in ways WE can "get".
Some of them are not evil, just different!

I know this new C will be wonderful for your journey.

AND OH YES YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTHY!!!

Lots of love
EM