My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

yes, thanks heaps, just gotta ride it out. Such a wave of sadness!

I heard Fiji wants to open a bubble with Australia and NZ.... not sure that US is included in that tho...? H says they’re COVID free. Which I’m glad about.
I love NZ. It struck me last nite in the bath. I want to bring my d and H there, show them the spots I toured around as a 20-something. Loved the STH Island.
it is good to have something to look fwd to isn’t it. And it will motivate me to make money. Money doesn’t usually motivate me much. Luckily for us it’s quite a strong motivator for my H!

tho he doesn’t like to spend it on holidays, so that will be on me 🙂

Oh it is so very sad. I’m not even sure of the details of my sadness. Just heartbroken really. And it seems strange that it’s only really hitting me now. I guess I thought we’d be talking again by now. I never thought she would have gotten a house loan, or engaged, or turned 21 without replying to any one of my texts or calls. It feels a bit surreal.

I was in a bad way about it. Shifting now. It’s also the way the whole family seems stacked against me. Harder to ignore the vicious words inside my head.
My sister has been rather vindictive at times. Tho, as my H reminded me, she is not happy.
So, what’s that you say about living your best life as revenge?

Onward and upward! Lol. Now I am borrowing!

cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Don't ever think I'm ignoring what's going on with eldest d & how heartbroken you feel over it.
I'm not, it's devastating. Hugs J*.

Probably bec you made & sent that card to her, it's being brought up all over again in your mind. Totally understandable.

When I was going through the aftermath of NC enforced by the Police then 10y of depression whilst coming to the realisation that my whole family was NC with me (39 people I thought would ALWAYS be in my life)...

I was poor, confused, bewildered, had no resources that helped me work things out about them all & the situation.

I Prayed A LOT, NOT to change things but in "impossible situations" I always Pray for "God's Will to be done".

I remember exactly where I was standing in the garden when I stood up and realised that to ACCEPT their choice of NC showed my utmost respect for them. It helped me release them - after 10y remember.

I'd done EVERYTHING humanly possible, for me at the time, to express to them how much I wanted to be in their lives etc etc etc.
The flat response was they "couldn't handle the drama".
Meaning the drama from my mother IF they saw me.
99% they just never answered or returned my calls for 10y.

Thinking deeper on the feeling of RESPECT.... respecting their decision helped me to respect MY life and what I needed to do (go to work, PUSH forward).
Being proactive I guess.

The Serenity Prayer was foremost in my mind.... it took 10y for "... the wisdom to know the difference." to sink in relating to the situation.

YES!! A trip to NZ would be WONDERFUL! omg the iridescent springs that burn a leaf a metre above them, the warm thermal baths we stayed in for 8h till night fall... the spectacular mountains. Seeing my cousins.

This is ONE strong motivator to get a job in your (new) field?

I was able to buy Yvette THE MOST amazing hair straightener last night with a 3 year Warranty lol! We spent alot of money last night... money demon would scorn me over.

I didn't think of him much during shopping (he works nearby so yeah).

As we were packing ALL the things we bought into the car, I had a flashback... the scorn I'd receive for spending MY money on the kids, then weeks of not talking to me over buying them clothes or school needs. I was happy to be passing all the menswear & NOT have to buy him anything.

Total RELIEF that when we got home, we could BE HAPPY!
Indeed Yvette was JUBILANT! lol it was beautiful to see her smile so wide.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Aww Em, thats so lovely!

It's amazing how a good shopping trip that you have the control over, can totally be happiness making!

Money is such a loaded thing in many relationships, and the way it's used in DFV relationships, to keep (women mostly) suppressed and down, is just such an abuse of power.

On that point, I was reflecting today about my own sense of unworthiness, and realised that the societal norms, of not appreciating women and women's work, was def playing in my head, feeding these depressed feelings. It was good in a way, to see that some things are from the culture we're in, not just my upbringing/family.

Good to recognise becos it's a catch 22, I want to work, but won't be able to get work if I don't get out of this low mood I'm experiencing. I need to value myself, and all my skills and abilities, to push forward. To counteract those voices telling me I'm no good. (So strong atm. My lovely sister planted a gnarly one, about how I'm such a bad person cos I 'can't' have a good relationship with either my sister or my daughter).

I like the thing about respect. You're right, respecting their choices is really important, which is why I've hung back a bit, and just been here, sending loving messages but not confronting anything with d. Always tho (I see now) expecting that things would change. So putting on a brave face.

Well, that's all gone now. No more brave face. Hardly even a face I can show in public lol!

Thankyou for sharing your lessons hard learnt over that horrendous 10 yr period. I can feel things shift and change as I read your words, and it's a comfort to know that things can get better. Such a tendency in us humans to only be able to anticipate what we have already experienced. And of course, when I'm feeling this way, (which has verged on 'ending it' at times) I look back and see that it was always this way. That I have always felt worthless and no good, and that ppl who have said this to me say it becos they CAN SEE, THEY KNOW. And I watch myself abbrogate my responsibility to make choices and decisions for me. I'm saying that in full compassion, becos I see how hard it is for me to fight against this downward flow.

However, Those are the lies I've been believing, I've fought this before, and I will do so again.

I won't give in.

I just pray to God that it will get better soon.

Thanks Em,

J*

[ecomama]

Dearest J*, you can't. (You know what I mean).

You are SO WORTHY!
You are a wonderful woman with a beautiful soul.

I never ever wanted a sister but if I could choose, it would be you and Blue and Tay and monkey and Emo and Grandy and Dools lol and the list goes ON! And probably another 1000 wonderful women on here.

I understand what you're saying about 'believing' the rot you've been fed and recently had shoved down your throat by sister.
It's very cruel indeed.

You're not cruel, you're LOVING. Hence the discord J*.

As loving as YOU are is as rotten as these ppl are.

It's like trying to mix oil & water. It won't mix.

As I was driving home from work today, I fully realised, like FULLY realised that so many ppl are riddled with jealousy.

In relation to sister:
- how dare you be such a competent mother to HELP HER when she needed it...
- how dare you extend such deep love and compassion for her during that time...
- how dare you go on to be married again and have another beautiful daughter...
- blah blah blah own a home, be able to sew magnificently and complete beautiful projects, garden like a trooper lol... stacks I don't know about you!

Just BE who you authentically ARE.

They think "how dare you" outshine them.

Well too bad too sad for them!

They DO NOT predict YOUR PATH. No way!

In fact all those thoughts are helping you decide on healthy BOUNDARIES for them all.
Meaning YOU get to decide what you will do.
YOU are empowered to make these decisions.

YOU WILL GO on to work in your CHOSEN FIELD and I know for sure 100% and absolutely that you will SOAR in that sector. You will LEARN and you will be EXCITED and you will FLOURISH and you will make new FRIENDS and you will save for that OVERSEAS TRIP....

and SHINE so brightly that those others better put their blinders on lol.

I know it J*.

Don't "wait to be ready" or you will talk yourself out of all of it. No one expects you to know everything and tbh it's an off-putting trait to have when beginning.

It's time to jump into the abyss and see how magnificently you FLY.

If I were your OTHER sister lol! Omg what fun we'd have lol...
No, seriously, I'd be writing your job applications right now. 😉

Onwards and upwards J*. When you hit rock bottom, there's only one way to go.
UP!

Love always
EM

[Matchy69]

Hi Jstar the birthday will be my daughter's mother family so it is very awkward for me.It just makes me sad that I miss out on these big events.I will cook her roast and make her cake real food not like all the bought stuff that they will be having.I am feeling so depressed these days I don't have the strength to even try.Then it will be my birthday and son' birthday a day apart.My son said he bought my birthday present allready so excited he is.

[Jstar49]

Hey Mark,

Oh I see. This is the ppl who asked for your advice tho isn't it?

Still, awkward is uncomfortable, and I know I prefer to avoid feeling uncomfortable if I can.

Gosh I know where you're coming from with real food. I feel like we're in the minority! So many health problems relating to nutrition too.

Good to celebrate in your own way with d. Is there anyone else, a family friend, who you could invite to share the occasion? I'm sure they would be honoured.

Thats sweet about your son. Sounds like he gets a real kick out of giving presents! Thats the sign of a giving heart. I hope you enjoy your day Mark, and do something that feels good for you.

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Oh EM,

Thankyou! You do know what to say to touch hearts and lift a persons spirits!

No, I won't. You know what I mean.

There's too much to do!

Yesterday I picked up my transcript from my studies, there was a delay, which caused me to delay applying for jobs. Next week I'm:

booked in to see a new GP ( our old one retired and both T and I need a Dr)

booked in to renew my Fist Aid certificate

attending a family wedding on weekend, so travelling away.

Big week!

Then I can get my head around jobs, I think. I know, I'm probably stalling a little bit, but I'm also planning for success. I don't cope well with overwhelm.

H wants the computer so I'll go. Please believe that every word you've written is sinking in, and I'm letting it.

Thanks Em. I too would love to pick up a few sisters from here! We make a great community!

Cheers and Hugs , and love,

J*

[Matchy69]

Hi Jstar the only family I really have is a brother who lives almost 2 hours away who I hardly ever see or hear from.

[ecomama]

GREAT! About the thing you're not going to do. Hugs.

GREAT about going away to a Wedding and doing the things you need to do also!

Just regarding "getting your head around jobs" what do you mean when you say that?

and "planning for success".... well you can't be successful in this field watching from the sidelines.

A thing Brene said in the Call to Courage, remember when she said a man came up to her after one of her talks and said something like "I heard what you said about vulnerability and I'm willing to risk failing".

Then she said (sic lol) "You missed what I said entirely! You won't "risk failing", YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL".

SO it's with that knowledge shoved into our "backpack of Strategies" for starting in a new field (which is scary I grant you but we ALL feel this! Replace "scared" with "excited" or a feeling of anticipation).... then we can JUMP INTO THE ABYSS and pull out those reminders to drop "the overwhelm" down to low.

Hey J*, you're a mum and a wife already. You already have full time jobs.
Taking on a new job in a new field is going to overwhelm you at times!

Things have to GIVE in the other sectors so you can fulfil your employment demands.
OTHER PEOPLE will have to step up to the plate and GIVE too.

And / or you do what I do and hire people also lol.

THINGS WILL CHANGE.

But it doesn't mean you throw the towel in, NO. NOT AT ALL. I doubt you will even if you feel like it lol.

Perseverance and persistence and learning your craft, polishing your skills in this sector, listening to advice and feedback and taking on board things that WORK for you in your new job will all have their place in your new life.

THIS is what you need to create the life you want for yourself and your family.
Being financially autonomous in marriage is a VERY healthy thing IME.

You're going to do great.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Aww Thanks Em! I think I will be great too, with all humility- knowing that it will be a bit bumpy at times cos I'm coming out of mumsville.

Getting my head around jobs means having everything in place, like my resume, complete with first aid certificate, MH first aid if I can, pref proper Cert IV -the 'legal document', probably a haircut lol! So I can apply for jobs and be confident that if they ring me tmw I can attend an interview. Clothes...? Maybe. A GP so I've got T's stuff sorted, and maybe an opinion on these headaches I keep having. I don't want to get a new job and then be unreliable.

So, the overwhelm is about knowing that I fall in a heap if I try and do too much at once. Now see, I can tell that you're not one of these ppl Em, or at least, that your threshhold for overwhelm is set at a vastly different level to mine! Cos I just would not cope with your life, not in summer particularly.

So me planning for succes is knowing that I need to have pretty much everything I can think of ticked off on my list, becos it IS going to be overwhelming starting work again, even if it's just 1-2 days per week. Plus I do the books for H, plus involvement in community group here.

And at the moment, some days I haven't even been able to cope with dinner, let alone a job interview. Last one I applied for I could not sleep a wink beforehand and then couldn't cope with the 1.5 hr drive- Gawd I sound like such a sissy! But I've had an accident with a truck before, when driving in the morning after not sleeping the night before- I really am not a morning person!

Are you cracking up laughing yet at how useless I am? I am sort of- I know! I also know that the nerves will be fine once I'm in a new routine, it's just nailing a job interview, or however many it takes, before I .....give up, I guess. It's really hard to get jobs here, plus my age and lack of recent work history stacked against me. I'm super nervous.

But H reminded me of all my transferable skills from doing the books, and volunteering. Which makes my resume look half decent.

So, next week, gives me some of that, and then I can answer some adds. Which is a whole new ball game now, with it all being online. Yep, can't really talk about that, it makes me more nervous! I'm an in person kind of gal.

So don't disrespect me too much, darling Em! I am still being proactive, and taking steps necessary to obtaining gainful employment!

Cheers,

J*