My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

feeling exhausted and happy and sore and accomplished....first week ( 3 days lol) is finished, and I'm glad it was a short one. hard to explain but feel like I have some tweaking to do to make it easier on my body and my need to do things right, perfectly, better than average.

I've had heaps of support, and also the cold reality of just settling in to the grind. H has been....self absorbed! Did I genuinely think it would be different??? But I've stayed strong in asking him to do, and pick up his share. I was looking fwd to some time tonite to relax, but after only a couple posts here on BB my phone has just signalled that it's 'wind-down time" lol! So polite! I must remember to turn that off as I don't need to wake up early at all!

Today I am reminded that the idea was to get this job and move up to areas less physically taxing, and more in my areas of skill. So I am setting myself a mental reminder, after 6 mths I want to be enrolling in a diploma, completing what I started a long time ago, and hopefully still being able to work concurrent to studying. Its a huge ask, esp after seeing how taxing study was last year, but perhaps I can take it slow. Not too slow! I'll be too old for anything!

The course you've committed to sounds....big. I guess it will take up any time you have hanging around....?!

Hon, I've heard you say similar things before, about BF and the time it takes from your day to maintain the rship to his liking. And what you want from life doesn't seem served well by these long conversations. I hear you say you don't want to hurt him, and I'm sure he knows that. Yet are you hurting yourself by not giving yourself the time to be present in your day to day life? Once a week sounds like heaps to me. Altho I know I miss it when H and I don't check in every day, the sitch is different for you and BF, as there is no certainty. There must therefor be more trust, and more allowance for the fact that you both have your own life to lead until you can be together. Also if we don't check in daily, or regularly, then our communication goes haywire, which is usually about the little day to day things that are necessary when you're raising a child and coordinating meals, jobs etc.

What happens when you and BF don't talk daily?

Such a difficult situation to be in. Hope you can work out something and be at peace about it.

Hugs,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone- Blues, Em,etc,

Wow. I was going to have a big whinge, but guess what? I can't! In all good conscience, my hassles just seem like such small stuff in the bigger scheme of things.

I am a bit cross with H. He hasn't been really supportive, apart from the picking up and dropping off parts. And he hasn't really celebrated with me! I miss that. He kinda went off this morning at me. I was on speaker to a gf too so that was awkward! I ended up being brutally honest about how I felt about him being so self absorbed. There was probably a better way to say it, but I couldn't be bothered. Anyway he's all apologetic now. The Friday night blow out may have been averted. Maybe.

T and I just got back from the city and an afternoon of treating ourselves, reflexology massages and Japanese bento boxes, a gidget for my phone so I can once again listen to spotify in the car...nice stuff to do and have! H was at home having time to think....

Anyway, no biggie. Got heaps to be thankful for. I feel so blessed that we could splurge a bit, and not be straight into paying bills and being serious about money. It's fortnightly pays, and I've said that I'll take over the food bills and whatever else. I'd like to be paying for all my own stuff, of course. And saving for a new car. Mine is going to need replacing before too long in this job. heaps of wear and tear. Then H will put more into the mortgage, pay that off quicker, which is his major concern before he retires. He's only late 50's tho, so can't fully retire yet.

How are you all going anyway?

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Blue,

Hey lovely, how are you holding up? I was going to re-introduce felafels to my T today (we got bento boxes instead) and thought of you 🙂

Emotional distance is probably a good term to use re my dad, as thats certainly the way he plays it/ spot on advice actually. A bit of emotional distance of my own is the sort of protection I need.

Alcohol can have such a devasting effect on ppl's lives. That stereotyped image of the drunk with a paper bag is pretty close to the bottom. Just not caring. Yeah it's funny both my bro and sis having that same issue- our parents were teetotallers, and dads highly judgemental of anyone drinking. Mum has a wine sometimes now, after touring the vineyards once. Very amusing to see her get giggly.

My desire to have as much family as possible is very strong. I grew up with a large family at gatherings- Christmas etc, and it's hard to not have that, when we live so close. The cousins are ok for T. They can't help what they get told, or overhear. Its good to be able to challenge it and I was so proud of T and H for doing that when I wasn't around. It meant a lot.

I don't like the assumption thats been made that if there is a problem its better to just cut off, have no contact. NC. I'd prefer to talk about things, thats always been my way. Perhaps I haven't had a helpful perspective for that to be beneficial to the situation as far as family harmony goes. This is getting way too long winded. I guess I've decided to hang in there, for mums sake and T's sake, and becos I'm not the problem. Never was actually, but I believed the lies. I DO have a different perspective now, and am better armoured, less easily hurt. T is stronger too. We have found our comfort in each other, with H ( mostly...lol)

I love the description you gave of your sibs....hopeless at life, but honest and good hearted.....thats sweet.

Our pastor said that about H before we got married, that he has a good heart. That was what I needed to hear before I took the plunge into committment. And he has. He might drive me crazy at times, and be a product of his times, but he has a good heart.

I'm reminded of the Johnny Depp Willy Wonka, and the squirrels testing the girl to see if she was a good nut. Pity we can't test everyone the same way!

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*, Blue and everyone

Sorry I haven't been around much. I THOUGHT I had been on yours and Blue's threads, but only spending a dot of time here and there on the forums, I wasn't concentrating very well. Sorry.

Sounds nice you had a trip to the city with T and a girly day. That's sweet. Shame about H being so self absorbed, I know.... why would we expect anything different, but we do!
You would because things ARE different lol.

Not in some ppl's world. They're still the centre of the Universe lol.

In answer to your qn about BF & I not talking every day, well IDK really. He gave 2 very different responses last year... (he's a complicated creature some times lol)... after a week's break from talking (my doing)... INITIALLY he said "it was fine, I actually enjoyed the break"... which just positively reinforced what I was saying all along tbh!

Then the "plot twist" lol...

about 6 months after that he said the truth was he felt really deeply hurt and wasn't sure if we were going to break up during that time. He hated it.

I think he's SUCH a proud man.
Hates to feel or BE vulnerable (like yah! None of us enjoy that feeling).
SO he masks it with certain words.

Basically "hurt people hurt people".

Anyway I prob need to expand more on my thread when I have the capacity and energy.

I think the "plot twist" in your relationship is that H went full haywire while your friend HEARD him... now ain't that the truth beast coming out?
I think you said a long time ago that it was H saying things to friends about you?

Well looky here now, what a surprise?

If H is being quiet on his classical Fri night behaviour... he could be a tad anxious that other people outside the home have seen the real him more. He's exposed.

People cannot mask themselves forever.
Pointing their finger and blame shifting only lasts X long.
EVENTUALLY the pointing finger turns towards themselves.

But I'm glad you're enjoying your work!
I see you have future study goals - GO YOU!

My Course at work is part of a broader program I've done most of the Courses in... maybe a few other ppl (out of 50-60 staff) have done ONE lol.... I think I've done 6? IDK alot.

I'm enrolled. All fine.

My main focus are my kids and my house and property. Not so much "career" any more at all. Just being able to maintain FT is enough of a feat for me! LOL!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J* (with a wave to EM),

I've been better, to be honest, but we soldier on, don't we? Well, now I'm thinking of falafels - I do enjoy them. It's a fun word, too. Mind you, nothing wrong with a bento box, either.

Emotional distance is my specialty, the parents taught me well. Sometimes it's just necessary - there's no inherent evil in it, just simple self-protection.

It really can. Too much of anything can, even seemingly innocent things, addiction is all about priorities being way out of balance. Interesting that your parents and your siblings have gone in opposite directions with it. My parents never drank much and my sister has been (understandably) largely turned off it by her ex. I'm a bit concerned about my brother's increased drinking lately, admittedly - though at least he's a silly drunk, not a mean one. Me, I like to drink responsibly, but I do have a well-stocked cabinet with the makings of cocktails (or mocktails, depending on my company). I smiled at your description of your mum with a wine. I know a few people like that.

Oh, I'm not suggesting NC, just that it may not be a good use of energy to put too much more effort into people than they put into you. It's a path to burn-out. Like you I'd rather talk things out, but life has taught me that more often than not I'm alone in that, and it's not worth pushing for it where the other party isn't meeting you in the same place. I'm not NC with my extended family as such, but it's not like they responded to the odd letter I sent back in the day or anything like that, so I don't bother trying any more. Life isn't for bashing my head against a brick wall.

Can't really put it better than that. I can't imagine you would have married your hubby if you didn't think he had a good heart. Clearly life has thrown some challenges at him that have made it hard to make himself vulnerable enough to see it all the time, but if the seed is there it can grow if properly nurtured. I think you are doing some good nurturing.

Ha, yes, I remember the squirrels. Mind you, you can see through most people's BS to what they really are without too much effort. As a friend of mine often says "By their actions, you shall know them". Very true.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

Thanks Blue, it means a lot that you were able to check in when things are so busy for you atm.

Hey Em, sounds like any issues with BF are on the back burner with everything else thats going on in your life atm. Hope you're managing to hang in there, and get time and space to process all this. It's lovely to read about how well you're able to manage being there for your brosil and Alexa, even with all those difficulties of your mothers lifestyle and relating. Hugs!

I'm feeling tired today- didn't sleep well last night and just feel full of ppl's stories, and the struggle of adjusting to this new way of living. H is slowly stepping up- he even asked me how my day was the other day! That meant so much, I didn't even mind too much when he didn't listen much to my reply, I was so busy thanking him for asking lol! We're working it out.

I was able to cry for a minute on a friend sshoulder and talk about the diff of this job. The community services sector is hard work, emotionally. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but it's taking a toll. I might need that meditation and walk on the beach today to shed some .........layers.

I felt sad when I read on your thread Blue that you are losing sight of who you are......I dearly hope that you can retain that knowledge somehow.

I've noticed it becomes hard when I don't have as much time to think, and reflect. My mind is uselessly churning over all the added 'things'- I am highly sensitive, so much stimulation is hard for me to process. Even good stuff, like chatting with other mothers at a school event yesterday. It was great, and I exchanged some really valuable info, but last night was difficult to wind down. H doesn't understand my need for alone time, so altho he's taken T to soccer today, he'll probably be grumpy and suspicious when he comes home.

Which is soon, so I must go. The couch is calling me! A sunshiny nook and a book....

Love you guys, and waves to anyone reading along.

I hope your day is lovely,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I've really missed you all this week. It's been heavy stuff here.

EXACTLY what you're talking about, with your work, is exactly what's come up this week with Alexa and other (young) people who are in "caring" roles.
Compassion fatigue is real.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I've had sleepless nights worrying about kids in terrible situations. Having had to mandatory report and the results of such reporting. It's really heart breaking....

I've been in my role for near 40 years now (I had time off to be a stay at home mum but not alot!).. what I know when I knew it, is what I keep reminding myself of....

I LOVE my work and the people I serve.
I am ONE person, but I make a real difference.
I KNOW I do my best, as humanly possible.

I need to come home to MY home and my household because THEY are my primary focus.
They have to be, when I AM at home.

Please seek a Counsellor for yourself because apparently Psychologists (well some I heard of) are taught how to "leave work at work".

There needs to be TWO different sectors in your life.
WORK and
HOME.

I was taught many years ago that the drive HOME is my "transitional portal".
The drive TO work is my transitional portal to that "world".
This helps.

But there's lots more to it.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that HAVING people who CARE in caring professions is what this world needs J*. In our little tiny part of this big, damaged world, we can make miracles happen just by caring.

Learning how to manage these emotions is part of the journey.
You're in the right place.
They are very fortunate to have you.

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Thankyou for your thoughtful words, it does help.

Yes, the trick must be to leave work at work. I have been exploring counselling options. There is no 'supervision' as such, only trauma counselling, and I'm reluctant to access that unless I need it. So I'm thinking my own may be a good place to go and worth the cost.

At the moment I'm only doing 3 days, which is enough for me, at least for now. That does give me good recovery time. But the nature of this job is that it intrudes. Even needing to pick up my roster on my day off is annoying.

Staying home and cooking, washing, today was good. I've been reflecting on Coveys concept of living your values, and it's been changing the way I think about my activities. It doesn't essentially change my actions, just how I think about them, which is ultimately more peaceful for my brain. I have to accept that I won't get into my sewing room much for awhile, it takes all my energy to self care, and to continue to provide the care and food for my family that is important to me.

Thankyou Em. Am thinking and praying for you and yours, and pray that the blessings outweigh the difficulties.

Much love,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

🤨🤔 they make you pick up your roster on your day OFF?

Wow that's somethin'.
The company you work for clearly hasn't caught up with "the times" right?
Tbh I'm shocked.

Anyway... it's a great thing you're "only" working 3 days per week. That's ALOT after working inside the home for so long.
I want you to give yourself some credit for all this mama!
That's alot.

How are you feeling WHILE you're at work? How's that going for you?

I'm so glad that Covey is giving you some insight and helping.
What a brilliant man and a brilliant family.
I also felt that burying myself in his works helped me SO MUCH so many times, I couldn't even count!

Remember that technique of "thanking" those emotions, thoughts, whatever that comes up?
It's like they're there for SOME reason lol.

Sometimes I believe that when we begin work in a whole new sector, then so many things are challenging to us.
I remember dreaming of prices of flying devon when I started work at a Deli lol.

There's so much to learn. I think I know you well enough to know that you want to do everything pretty much perfectly, especially in your workplace. Am I right there?

If so, then ofcourse you're going to want to MASTER all things in the current place and field.
So it's a no brainer that you will be thinking of work when you're NOT at work.
I use my Notes & Diary sections in my phone to note things down when I think of them whilse I'm at home so they can get out of my head lol.

Gosh our beautiful heads!

What they must cope with lol.

You sound quite relaxed.
I hope that's the case.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

No problem, I appreciate you stopping in on my thread, too.

Sounds like you're getting a bit of compassion fatigue. Not a wholly uncommon thing for people working in the community. I'm glad you were able to talk through it with your friend, support is important. And hubby asking about your day, that's progress. Next, we get him to listen to the answer!

Working hard on the self care to get some sense of myself again, J*. Some progress in that department, but I'll expand on that in my thread. I'm down, but not beaten.

I definitely understand about needing time to think and reflect, and also about the sense of overstimulation. Even the good stuff can be pretty overwhelming. We introverts need a bunch of quiet time alone to process and recharge, it's so important. I've definitely been lacking and needing that. I'm guessing you've tried explaining it to your husband. Maybe some articles on introverted thinking might help explain it to him? For some people, seeing that it's a perfectly normal thing that many others also need can help them get it.

Hope you got some good alone time while the family were at the soccer, and I really hope your husband behaved reasonably afterward.

Kind thoughts to you.

Blue.