My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi,

Well, time flies, and all that!

I've had an extra week + to settle in to my job, since my last post, and the overwhelm has settled, also the struggle to adjust has eased somewhat. We have our little routine going. Whiteboards on the fridge are streamlining communication. The workload has balanced out a bit, and it's not as new- FFT's!!! (thanks Brene). Still after my third day is completed, I'm tired. thank goodness for the frozen curry I had thawing today, with rice leftover from tuesdays stirfry.

I popped on here while H was watching the footy and now he's p'd. Oh well. He's gona have to get used to it! I don't have as much free time to be able to do it while he's not around.

Blue, I had a little chuckle at me printing out some info for H re being introverted. He doesn't read, unless its about the weather or football, and then he'll try and watch it. Total opposite to me! Still, he's been ok. No major blowups. Its almost as if he's not paranoid anymore, except for the odd comments. Todays was "Who are you meeting??" ( I had a work training session to go to, and wanted to change out of hot grungy work clothes into fresh. So it still lurks in the background. I think having to take on extra jobs around the house has crowded his brain with other concerns, for the most part. Neither of us have much time for thinking.

It's not all bad tho. I spent the day reading my book on Sunday. 😍

Mothers day this Sunday. I'm planning to avoid foo family lunch by going for a long family drive! I'm thinking lots about my eldest d. Just now I'm grateful to her for making me a mum. She did that. I wasn't a mum until I had her. Totally changed my life! tears. joy. gratitude? teensy bit of regret.

My T assures me she's NOT giving me a card. Or a present this year. I think she's trying to trick me. lol!

I haven't caught up with your thread Em, or yours Blue, but I will. I hope you're both doing ok, and that your loved ones are well.

love

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Glad to hear you're starting to acclimatise and settle in a bit at work. Whiteboards on the fridge are great. I have one for the shopping list. One for the household job roster too, but that is proving less effective. Blarg. Certainly even three days is tiring, I'm struggling with every individual day, so I get it. Having food prepared ahead is a must on work days.

Sorry checking the forums is a bone of contention with hubby. That must be very frustrating for you, but yes, something he will have to learn to deal with. You can't be on eggshells all the time, you're not doing anything wrong.

Hm, okay, I guess I had no reason to think your hubby is a reader. I bet there are YouTube videos on the subject, though. Try that? As for the paranoia, unfortunately that's not apt to go away overnight. Your frustration is perfectly normal and understandable. I'm glad to see there is some improvement there, though, it sounds like he's at least trying. I'm not so sure about the value of jobs crowding out room for thinking, that is a concern, I hope you both find some balance with that.

How did Mother's Day go for you? I know thoughts of your eldest daughter will have been present, in bittersweet ways, hoping not too much to your detriment. Did T & hubby spoil you a bit? LM spoiled me rotten (being birdie mum counts). Brought me my coffee in bed, and made us crepes. We chilled out with the birds a while, then he kept me company while I finally dyed my hair again (it's been overdue so long but I couldn't fix it with my hand being all wonky). Then we ordered Thai food and did some modelling (we play Warhammer 40K), which I haven't touched in so long. It was great.

I'll save any more on how I'm doing for my thread. For now Sir Pecks is impatiently pecking his container of oats around my desk to give me the message, little one wants his treats!

Blue.

[golden82]

hi J*(and all),

Thanks for your message on self care thread.. I am actually doing so much worse. So hope is okay to write here on your thread. I have not been able to leave the house, not even to the rubbish bin and ended up with 4 weeks worth at the front door. Couldn't bring self to feel 'safe' to open the door. Self care still terrible, worse really the brushing teeth is even an effort. And my teeth used to be like a Colgate ad lol. I suspect/ and others suspect I am going through grieving of realizing I have been abused, neglected, scapegoated and unloved my entire life - childhood and certainly adulthood - by the ppl who mean the world to me - Dad, Mum, brother. I am sitting on this seesaw of 'cognitive dissonance' where I don't want to see the truth because the pain is too much - so I shut the world down - stay in bed. But do know the truth and when faced with it eg a counsellor asks something I get upset/peeved at them. It is too much. I am nearly giving up on 'therapy' as opening worms seems to make things worse for me. It brings things up that after the session, the counsellor is fine, but for me these brought up things float around. I do not have anyone. I am so close to giving up - I really want to. In fact I have given up - what I am doing is given up. It is weird this cognitive dissonance.. I want to see my Mum as kind and loving and so I hate myself because this means the picture fits nicely ie I am bad, Mum is good and loves me/or can't love me because I am bad. But reality is I am good and kind, and have not a Mum, but someone who gave birth to me but does not love me and probably never has. And certainly never will. (She is nearly 70yo now). To see this is too painful a reality for me - so I sit on my seesaw stuck. The counsellor is pushing me to see it and accept it and not love her, but see the narc/evil that she is and start to then love me and heal the cPTSD and be less afraid of the world. It all makes sense. It is the only way I will get back to life - some form of it at least. But to do that, accept that is SO hard for me. I don't know how others do it and I get stuck in the hope and it is like I am a frozen deer in headlights. I think something that would help me - more than therapy or anything would be a doggie. I am researching - and frankly this hope is the only hope I have left. I have lost faith in ppl. And retreated away from the world. The only ppl I feel safe around are my bb friends. Thanks for this space 🙂

[Jstar49]

Hi Golden,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so unwell atm. Thankyou for coming on here and opening up. I can hear that your pain is really raw and confused, which makes your bravery in speaking out that much more eloquent.

Huge gentle fluffy hugs!

I can really relate to your comments about counselling stirring things up. It's awful when you go home with all these thoughts and self doubt, and have no one to bounce off. Have you tried calling the helplines after counselling? It's really important that you can get some validation for your thinking, even just someone to say, hey I understand, that must be really rough..... And then the emotions flow. Which for me is the way through.

And baths. Lots of baths.

Dearest Golden, my heart goes out to you. I wish I could be there in person, to listen, and make cups of tea, and hold your hand while you travel thru this dark tunnel.

Whatever comfort I can offer, please take it.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and the only way through is to go forward.

Much love,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue!

Say hi to Sir pecks for me- a fluffy distraction!

My poor chooks have had to survive with less attention lately- and less free ranging time, in part thanks to the shorter days. My afternoons feel very full sometimes! H is doing his bit, so we're managing ok. Yesterday I was sooo tired tho- I can just imagine what it's like for you Blue 💚

Well, H has just gone to bed, after dumping a whole heap of crap. His paranoia is flaring up again. Funnily enough, coincides with him seeing me here. I will wait for him to calm down before trying to talk. Glad I have a job now! Definitely feel like I have options....

Yes love the whiteboard! Can understand why it's not working for chores tho- I tried it with T, but for some reason it just didn't. I think becos there isn't enough ppl to do the chores! And some days she can do stuff, other days she can't.

Mothers Day was lovely, thanks for asking:) Your observation re eldest did bring the tears. It is bittersweet! Going for a drive and being somwhere else seemed to help. Altho if I'm to continue having a whinge (lol) I would have to add that H was recovering from a jolly night before, and so I drove, and he grouched. Nothing too serious. Just....acknowledging my own determination to enjoy the day! T did a funny little treasure hunt for me, with clues to my gifts! Sweetheart!

Your day sounds lovely Blue! You did get spoiled! I love the sound of crepes made for you. Very special!

Ok gona check you tube for short vids on introverts! What a good idea, thankyou.

In hindsight, I had noticed that we weren't spending much time connecting and talking, apart from lining up our schedules and taking care of T. So I guess it's not surprising that things are going pear shaped now. I don't even want to make any effort to sorting it either. It's got it's spot on the backburner.

What colour is your hair Blue? If thats not telling....

Does that mean your hand is much better?

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

I guess this is the best place for me to vent.

My evening turned to brown crud very quickly. H and I were sitting outside, enjoying a drink together while chicken roasted gently in the oven. He had a couple bad days, so I wanted to try and connect, at least give it space. Everying was ok. No big deal. He was obviously wary of heavy convo, so I kept it light. Then, finally, said that I didn't want to have a big convo about it. but wanted to acknowledge that its been a difficult couple days for me.

Me too, says H

Ok, tell me about that, says me

Following that was a rapidy escalating series of statements which I found difficult to answer or defend myself against, and then an outright accusation that I'm lying. About not talking to this ex-mate of his. And totally ridiculous statements about why and how he knows i'm lying.

And how this has been going on for months.

And here I was, thinking things were settling down, and getting calmer. But all this time, he's been stewing!!!

I'm beginning to admit to myself, this is not gona work. I don't like this man. he does not trust me and will not get help or recognise the damage he is doing.

There is nothing else I can do.

To stay in this relationship is devastating me. When he told me that the past few months have been crap, because of this belief he has that I'm in contact with this guy, something broke in me. I've been living in a dreamworld where I thought it could get better for us. I thought we were both prepared to work on this issue, on our marriage. A couple times recently he's said disparaging things about counselling, and the rules we agreed on, re communication. Now I understand better. He's out. He's given up, given in to these lies, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel so sad for our daughter. She will be devastated, and probably think its her fault, for some reason.

I hate this! I've worked so hard for this to NOT happen!

And it's happening anyhow.

It's not up to me.

The only thing thats up to me is if I stay, or I go.

I want to live in a community of like mindeds. Thats a positive thing that I want to explore, out of this. So much of who I am has been put on hold in this relationship. So much good and positive stuff has emerged to, for both of us. But I am sick of living in this cage. Living down to his expectations.

He says no-one else he knows says "somethin" (without the g) and "chuck". Thats his proof. That only this guy and me talk like that. And I said "Hi Darl" once.

WTH?

J*

[golden82]

Hi J*,

Thank you for your supportive message to me 🙂 I will need to lean on you all here - as you say going thru the dark tunnel - at the moment going backwards. The profs say it can get worse before it gets better. Well it has been getting worse for so long now.. wondering if it ever gets less dark.

I am sorry to read your last post of the situation with H. I am here to listen, put things here as you need. I am not much use to help as I am not married so can't understand what it must be like for you. I guess I would suggest to try and stay 'calm' and sleep on things for a few more nights. Talk to your counsellor or some other neutral person. Does your H know how he is pushing you away with his behaviour? If not, do you think if you told him how bad it is and for him to make effort to stop - or he will lose you - do you think maybe it might wake him up a bit? I am not sure, and don't want to give you bad advice, I am sorry if this is way off.

I hope things are better for you over the weekend 🙂 We are hear for you J* and I am sure others will have better advice for you. Take care of yourself this weekend, try do a couple of nice things to nourish you/your soul. Big hugs

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I have little energy to talk right now, but wanted to at least tell you I hear you and I understand. More than once have I stood in that cold place of knowing all my effort toward a relationship was for nothing. For what its worth I see how much of yourself you have put into making your marriage work. I think you are like me in that if it comes to a decision to leave, you have to know you have done everything reasonable within your power to prevent it going that way, to treat your partner like they are not dispensable. It's how we can look at ourselves in the mirror each day. Here for you, however things pan out going forward.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi Golden,

Thankyou. Your post touched me, and is very wise advice.

I have had a chance to talk again with H, and it was much more productive than the first time. We'll see how it goes, but he suggested getting help, talking to someone about his trauma from childhood DV. Usually it's me pushing this suggestion, so for him to say it is different. Things are good atm- but, I'm well aware of the 'cycle of violence' type scenario. Honeymoon, followed by suspicion, followed by episode/violence etc. Not that my H is violent. He would hate for anyone to think that as it's what he grew up with, and swore he would never be like. But as you possibly know, there are other ways to abuse someone.

We've talked about changing how these eps are handled (by him mostly) going forward, which feels productive. I'm hoping we can get onto victims of crime counselling fairly easily, as free counselling would make a huge difference to him taking it up.

Thanks for being on the other end Golden, I really appreciate it.

I texted my mum in the heat of emotions and now I am regretting that lol .....

How are you travelling today Golden? You know you can talk about it here. It's nice to talk about someone else's problems! I've never experienced the type of challenges you are facing, but feel I can relate thru my history of depressive episodes, and the effect that has had on my life and relationships. It's a weird feeling to be out of step with the world, to feel like you can't cope with things the way others can. For me connecting to others who have similar struggles, ie don't have perfect lives, really helps me to be real with myself, and accept where I'm at while at the same time putting strategies into place which help me get out of the hole. Or, go thru the tunnel!

One foot in front of the other hey.

Today the swirl of the bathwater flowing down the drain cut thru my monotonous repetitive thoughts. For a moment I stopped thinking about this person whom I have to see ( another parent) and let me marvel at 'nature'. Sounds funny to call it that but I think it is a part of nature.

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Big hugs.....

Thats so true. I want to be fair to this man who has supported me in being able to be at home while my daughter grows up, who has his own struggles and pains. I was being reminded of my marriage vows- for better or worse.

H is very different today. All the pent up anger and suspicion is gone, all the build up of tension.

Like i said to Golden, it reminds me of the DV cycle of violence stuff. Not surprising with his background.

Anyway, hopefully we can move forward, make some ground.

J*