My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[quirkywords]

J*

thanks for this thread and your posts.

I find in families people often have their own memories about certain people and they see that as a truth.

My mum did not get on with a relative and their family and it was only till after she died that I had got to meet that part of the family and we got on well. I had been told lots of bad stories about them but I found them very friendly and kind.

I think most families have trouble with communication..

[Jstar49]

Hi Q,

Yes thats true isn't it. My family have a branch like that, and when I met her, my dads young auntie, I felt like I'd found the missing link! I found ppl with similar passions and interests as me. It was amazing! Unfortunately I haven't kept up contact, various reasons, but still, so good to know.

Do you keep in touch with those relatives?

Its the best thing about getting older, in my book. A sense of perspective! And A diminished self importance lol!

Thanks Quirky, nice to see you here and get your perspective,

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*(hey Tay, hey quirky, hey Blue and anyone else reading)

I was sorry to hear about your dad's illness. Hugs for whatever you're feeling. And no you don't have to be sad... just saying.

Omg a ROOSTER is crowing and my dog's going bananas!
At dawn.... great. lol.

The good ole awkward family get togethers hey???
I really don't know where we come from some times!

I realised yesterday that we haven't heard a peep from my brother or sil for AGES. No texts for Christmas, Birthdays so far this year, nor Easter... he lives a short walk from our house... Hmm.

Yesterday I decided not to contact him any more. (Yeah I've said that before lol!)
I think that's preferable to him, it's pretty clear now.
Most texts MIGHT have a blunt reply, if any reply at all.
I miss him but that's all about me.
I'm willing to respect his wishes, even tho I'm sure he won't go complete NC... he'll be around here the minute they want something!
Hate how sil has to nosey in to see what "new stuff" we've bought ughhhhh grrrrr, like THAT'S important. How bout PEOPLE. Novel idea.

I'm glad to hear you've had some clarity about ppl in your extended family.
That's a massive breakthrough tagging "this or that to this person or that person"... it sure helps with some measure of detachment, emotionally at least.

Crikeys now it's the turkeys on rooves driving rescue poodle nuts, sighhhh. I might need to take him for an early morning walk before I see the 'stuff' BF wrote ugh.

Btw I completely agree about NOT visiting sister in attempts to "sort it out"... IME those visits just end up in arguments and you don't need that in your life.
That technique that Brene says we can use ie "The story I'm telling myself when you do X..." would only work with people who are invested in us. Not toxic ppl! This exposes a weak chink in our armour for them, right where they can shoot the next arrow.

"Detachment" replaces the need for armour.

Also a pleasant breakthrough with H too!
I was thinking of you last night, being Friday night and Praying things were different?

Well it's all happening in your world J* lol... strange how when we focus on ourSELVES and on our own career, lives of our own family, our MH, our GARDENS and sewing lol, how our perspectives can change...

You sound freer and more empowered to be honest.
Is that how you feel?

More power to you.
Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Oh I definitely do feel more free and empowered! Its a great feeling knowing that I have value in the workplace. My mentor apparently gave some GREAT feedback about me, so that was lovely. I think I'm walking taller...! I am wearing clothes I LOVE a lot more, and clearer about what I want, don't want, can compromise on. Kinder too, because I'm feeling better in myself.

Yeah, families hey! That sux tbh, about your bro. Tho your comment about 'things' seems to give an indication of whats important to them. Its so hard not to take things personally hey, or make an argument out of what is, essentially, each persons right to make choices about who they see, and when. I just can't stand the hypocrisy of it sometimes. If it wasn't for T and my mum I would go NC, but they both need as much family as we can pull together.

Gotta go and do these buns! OI forgot about them!

Back soon

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi again,

hey thanks for thinking and praying for me on Friday nite. It was different actually. Tho he sorta saved it for Saturday nite as he started drinking earlier than usual and then was a bit annoying during our family movie. But I was so tired I just went to bed early, which worked well.
he is genuinely making more of an effort to be understanding, and I’m being more assertive too, so it has been pretty good recently. No nasty episodes which after getting close was really reassuring and helps build trust between us.
he still asks me who I’m texting and what I’m doing, all the time. Frustrating!

so how’s things with BF? Is he being annoying?

that dawn chorus would have been a delightful way to start the day...! Are roosters allowed where you live? We live on the edge of town and neighbours had to get rid of their show chicken roosters after complaints. Not sure why the next door neighbour, whose rooster was much bigger and noisier, got to stay.....

thx for the confirmation re sister- it helps to have your second opinion!

Cheers

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Working backwards- thanks! Nice to have some positive stuff going on in that part of the house! 😉

Dad- tbh I have to remind myself to ask after him. He's been very cool with me lately, (like for a year or more) and whilst I'm not getting back at him or anything, there's def a reduced care factor. I think I've come to terms with the fact that I was never the preferred child, and nothing will change that now. Don't lets scratch any deeper below THAT surface, becos I can suddenly sense that the old pain is still there.....But hey, I like my life a lot more with every passing day, and trying to please him never did me any good. Not that I did it much tho......... I kinda thought that he would appreciate my independent spirit one day, if he got to know me, but that's expecting a lot lol!

I'm pretty sure my sis does have a problem with alcohol. She's admitted she can't have more than a 6-pack in the house, and only on weekends. Which I can understand now, since studying last year. Even one wine severely impacted on my ability to do anything after dinner. I can have wine in the house tho and not drink it, it doesn't worry me. Plus she has used that alcohol buzz to be verbally abusive and agro, so I think she uses it to express herself, when otherwise she won't say whats going on for her. Not sure if it's started affecting her brain to that extent yet tho its possible. I imagine it wasn't pleasant watching your bil degenerate and ignore everyone's good advice. It's true, people will do what they want to do.

Thanks Blue, it seems so clear when you put it like that. It is BS! I just have to get better at grinning and bearing...... I have made a resolution to ignore as much as possible, and do my best to allow T to have some extended family. As you have all said, in one way or another, all families have some level of BS and dysfunction, so may as well resign myself to the fact and stop being idealistic! And I suppose accept the fact of being cast as scapegoat, and learn to smile and speak my truth in opportune moments.

How interesting it would be to have family members I actually wanted to see...That sounds quite nice Blue!

Did you get together with anyone over the Easter break, or did you have to work....?

I'll catch up with what you've been doing on your thread,

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

So I need to Pray Saturdays too? Technically it IS The Sabbath lol.
How bout I stay in a constant state of Prayer?
Been there.
You're handling it so well. High five.

I smiled SO BIG with your excited talk about work!
POSITIVE FEEDBACK?? That exists somewhere?
OF COURSE they had positive things to say about you... throw it on the pile J*!

Families can be just another f word sometimes.
With your dad? Seriously some ppl even in our OWN families are threatened by TRUTH, they KNOW we SEE them as they truly are, they don't LIKE it lol.
Pity about sis.
It's all a pity really. It could still come out in the wash but it's best to employ "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

Spoke with Alexa today omg! She PURPOSELY DIDN'T send a bday text to sil this year... I forgot till the next day & didn't either... first time ever.
Sil would TURN UP HERE on her bday without being invited, tell us it was her bday and she was excited for her present from us. UGH... sometimes I quickly wrote a card with "2 day's gardening" bec I didn't have a present yet.

ZERO bday texts from them for years, nothing! I remind you, they live within WALKING DISTANCE. Brother said he couldn't come to ANY of the kid's bday parties for YEARS now. Not even the multiple children's 18th!
I took the high road for WAY too long. Doneskis.

Oh Alexa almost LET the cat out of the bag today!
She let slip that brother believed mother's stories about me... umm what stories?
(I had none lol.)
Schtum... then she said UNTIL mother went to physically attack HIM a few times... WHAT?
Alexa said FINALLY uncle began to see those stories were prob all lies.
What stories?? Diversion techniques I let her get away with lol, I'm too tired to hear it.
Poor Alexa & the ACs, hearing all that garbage about me for years.

Anyway there's no contact with brosil (new name lol), unless THEY want something.
Didn't even THINK to ask him about my roof.

Feeling sad about BF.
I was DIRECT in my text to him.
Dot pointing ALL the things he did AGAIN & I can't stand it.
Alexa chortled when I read it to her today & said "wow mum THAT was a bit harsh, but true I guess lol" then added alot of psychology to the next comments.
BF hasn't responded in ANY way.
Nothing.
Limbo.

Are you at work tomorrow? I think I saw on another thread you are.
I'm so happy for you J*, I really am.
All that pre-worrying early in the year has been replaced now.
That's beautiful!

Talk soon!
Love EM

[Jstar49]

Good morning 🙂

Yep, I’m at work tmw. So excited!
the feedback was REALLY positive. I was feeling nervous and like it could be snatched away at the last minute, and then I got that! Pretty nice 🙂

Yeah, fffamilies!Youre so strong Em! No wonder you’re calling it quits with brosil- cute name lol. That’s atrocious behaviour! Didn’t her mother raise her properly?!
How sad that you’re having to hear about lies that you can’t even imagine. Ppl just want to cover their own butt don’t they! I watched a movie last nite about that. Based on a true story of a death row inmate wrongly imprisoned. It was the systemic injustice that really got me. American of course, but it’s here too.

So what’s going on with BF?

You know that most ppl don’t handle much criticism.... there is a time tho that the truth needs to be spoken, even if it is harsh....tough to do at a distance. When you can’t read each other’s body language, know when you’re about to cross the line, really hurt someone you love. Same for him too.
I hope you get a chance to talk soon.
oh thankyou, for your prayers! It would be great if he wouldn’t have these benders, but it’s in his mentality that it’s his reward for working so hard, and it’s not much, compared to what he used to drink, or what others drink. That’s his justification. What can I do? Work is good for him as it keeps him in check... he needs his licence!

Thanks heaps for your support. Hard to believe how I was feeling at the start of the year! I mean, it’s still there, underneath, but I have hope that the new beliefs and self image will gradually replace those old beliefs. Yay! Thankyou! I’m so happy too! Quietly tho. I don’t want to jinx it....

have a lovely day Em. Hope it’s sunshiney in your part of the world.
xxxJ*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I'm so glad it seems like a "warm" workplace for you. Positive feedback is so important. Ofcourse you'd get positive feedback, you seem to be a very keen and eager person, seeking the best way to do things etc.
They struck gold hiring you lol.

Let THESE moments comfort you if an when there is some constructive criticism.
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water lol.

Every career takes BUILDING. Just like building a house, some errors are made here and there, all that has to happen is "correction".
That's all.
Wish I could say "correction without perfection" lol! Cute saying!

NOT taking professional criticism personally is a key to thrival lol... they just try to make ppl conform to a "set" and that's okay.
There is some area for creativity in our workplace but not much!

IDK where things sit with BF for me.
He sent some gentle texts, said he was waiting for me to settle down after being angry with him.
That he wasn't mansplaining, just blah blah whatevs.

I just don't feel like sorting THAT out too. It's in the too hard basket, I'm tired of it.
Over 5y of "this" and few times together now... it's wearisome.

I also don't feel like going back to the mandatory daily calls. It's too invasive of my "real life" - finding it hard to describe... like my every day life HERE is severely interrupted and it makes a mess of my day, takes my focus AWAY from what's going on here.

Tbh I feel like it's become an "old married couple" r/ship lol. Alexa has her own informed perspective and she's right.

I have Counselling tonight. I already know how my C feels about it all. She said one call a month at most lol.

IDK, putting it out of my mind as much as possible.

Plus I lost another nail LOL! 3 down now... being more disciplined with finances atm, so pulling things in, only spending 'necessary' money (including FUN things & Winter clothing for the kids).
Yvette wants a WHITE denim jacket - hmm. Okay! The boys need new Winter jackets. We saw some great clothes in H & M, wow what a store! "Netflix" type clothes the kids will like.

If you're in NSW those $100 vouchers are available I haven't used any of it yet ughhh.

Hope you had a great day today!

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I bet it is! 🙂

I can certainly understand your thoughts about your father. There comes a point where you can't carry hope for a relationship too close and just accept it for what it is. It's just too draining to expect or try for more than the other person is ever going to reciprocate. It's certainly not "getting back at him" to have some emotional distance from a situation that would otherwise be doing you harm.

So she acknowledges a lack of self control, huh? That's not great. Not wholly unusual for people to use alcohol to help them express stuff they want to get out, though it's a dreadful method, especially in a mean drunk. No, it wasn't pleasant watching my former brother in law degenerate. We'd hear periodically from people we knew of him in the stereotypical pose with brown paper bag, getting plastered at bus stops and the like. The man is a lost cause, unfortunately for his kids.

Are you sure grinning and bearing the BS is best? I question the value of extended family for your kids when they are toxic. But that's me, I've never been one to waste my time on people who don't treat me with respect. Just take care, and don't hold yourself in any situation that isn't good for you or yours.

I have a small family unit, extended family doesn't come into it beyond sparing, distant contact. I see or speak to my parents semi-regularly, and I am close to my siblings, who are hopeless at life but are both honest and good-hearted people. I am glad to have them.

No, didn't see anyone over Easter. A combination of work and the ongoing exhaustion didn't make it appealing, and we've never really worried about Easter as a thing. There might be an exchange of chocolate if it works out convenient to see each other somewhere around Easter, but that wasn't the case this year.

Off to my thread now, with updates on my stuff. See you there.

Blue.