My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hello beautiful peoples! Hi Em, and Blue 'n Sleepy,

Hugs straight back at ya Blue! And everyone! SO proud of you Blue, for practicing!

Aww, thanks for stopping by Sleepy. So nice to see you here. It IS a trajectory of healing! Sometimes I think, I can't post cos things aren't too bad atm- isn't that weird? Sometimes tho, support in good times is just as important as support in the bad times.

Things are...really, really ok atm! I mean, setting aside the whole daughter getting married without me thing (and even that has found a peaceful place to rest in me, for now).

My mini breakdown of last week has eased, leaving me wiser about what I can and can't do, esp whilst working and having to cope with unscheduled changes to our routines...and more clear about my need to say no at times....

H is.....calmer. Happier. We went out for dinner with some friends for his bday, and that was ok. No dramas. I dropped one of the 'banned words' lol by accident , last night, and we recovered. I said- could we pretend that I didn't just say that word that you hate? Anyway, he got over it! And he's still being affectionate and respectful.

T is happy, and standing up for herself to her friend, who is quite dominant. A great friend, but likes to be boss.

I like what Em said about connections- I totally agree. Hobbies, sports, kids, all create connections. Sometimes we hit jackpot and make a friend!

My friendship with my new-ish friend, S, is .....staying steady. slowly slowly....I'm not sure what made me feel vulnerable. Perhaps just entering a deeper level of trust and 'mutual regard'. Em the way I knew I could begin to trust her happened some months ago, when I opened up about our marriage difficulties, and she's been an absolute brick ever since, supporting both of us and being hugely instrumental in things becoming much happier around home. It's nice when you make a real connection, and it just works, on many different levels. I have probably recognised that there's some parts which we don't share, and thats ok.

Sleepy I'm up north NSW, so lockdowns don't really affect us, except for a recent visitor case which, combined with Sydney's sitch, put everyone on high alert and affected our work. But the absence of Sydneysiders is really noticeable, for the tourism related businesses.

Anyhow, for now shall just keep keeping on. Reading, working, gardening. A little holiday from drama!

Cheers,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J* (and everyone),

Thanks. I do seesaw a bit with whether or not I want to practice, definitely periods of detachment follow any moments of open affection. Work in progress, I guess.

I'm going to echo the idea of support being equally valuable in good times. I know the sayings about fair-weather friends, but the opposite can also be true, those who are there just for drama. I'm not sure that's necessarily better. Those who will share the hard times and also celebrate with you or just accompany you in peace are the ones to hang onto.

I'm glad you're having a period without drama, that your struggles of the previous week are easing. You've done some hard work, unravelling the whys of how you were feeling, and working on a way forward.

I genuinely hope this new friendship continues as it has started, and that you can just enjoy the friendship without questioning it too much.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Aww! Blue!
You’re so absolutely spot on, and have expressed it so beautifully, both about friends who are just there for the drama, and about enjoying this friendship without questioning it too much.
I agree, this is what I need to do, enjoy my kooky friend without stressing about if something I have said will upset her!!! Etc etc etc

i hope and pray that if I do say something odd/ off, that she will talk about it with me and not give up immediately. My weird family has def given me the expectation that I am gona say something or do something which will warrant either attack or shut down.
Luckily, she’s a fairy, not a monster, with a good sense of humour.
Peaceful times at home ended last night, with a bang! But we seem to be ploughing our way thru in a new and different way, which is positive.
Work has been tiring this week, but now it’s Friday! Yay! I know Fridays aren’t always your weekend Blue, but they are for me, and I’ve never appreciated them so much!

How are you doing?
I shall pop in on your thread and see.....

Hugs! (Hope you keep practicing, but only with trustworthy folk!)

cheers,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J* & all,

Glad what I said made sense to you. How are you going with the friendship, and your worries surrounding it? I can certainly understand how those insecurities arise in the wake of how your family has behaved. On average I think it takes something fairly significant to make people end a friendship, you should be okay with the odd misplaced word. Sounds like this new friend is pretty understanding and even fun.

Sorry to hear there was more drama at home. Moving forward from that in a new way is good though, hopefully a precursor to lessening the periodic explosions overall. Fingers crossed for you.

I hear ya, we may not have our week-ends at the same time, but they are still welcome. I do have this actual week-end off, though - I work every second one, and that's okay. Week-end pay rates are still pretty decent for now (govt. is slowly whittling that away).

I'm doing okay. Was in a bit of a bad place when you wrote that post, but have come good since. This week has been mostly positive, with the help of a warm day or two.

Hugs to you (and EM). Still practicing, with the right people.

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

hello J! Hi Blue 🙂

Yay friday tomorrow J, thts good news for ur work schedule, if i read correctly? how was ur week?

i'm sending good vibes to you in this cold and dreary winter.

how was work been going? it sounds like u enjoy it

i've been a bit flat today, really annoyed that my MH team stuffed me around on something, mistrusting feelings arising in me. Blerg. Want so badly to trust and rely on others.

Hope ur enjoying some nature and creativity, such a soothing balm in these wild n' weird times. much love.

[ecomama]

Hey J*, hi Blue and Sleepy and everyone reading

How are you doing everyone?

J* It's nice to read you and H were working through some stuff in a different way and it was more positive lol. Well done you peeps! Now that was about a week ago and it's late Fri night again. Hoping things are good xxxx.

Hugs to everyone lol, GROUP hug Blue! Come in here lol.

I read about your excited happiness making a new friend. That's so awesome. Love that.

It's pretty normal to be feeling a little of "hope I don't stuff this up". To me it just shows how you already VALUE this person and this relationship, it's so sweet. You're pretty awesome J* she'd be so lucky to have you as a friend. That goes for you too Blue and Sleepy.

Not sure if anyone else is reading, group hug for you too lol.

Don't you think that meeting someone new as in a friend and / or potential partner, we may feel a myriad of different ways?
Like, sometimes it's WAY obvious that we feel more strongly than the other person.
Then other times it's clear that THEY feel more strongly towards us?

Other times it's like a same same?

I'm not bragging AT ALL when I say that some of my friends I've had for well over 40y, some over 50y and more... wow when I think THAT, I can't believe it myself. When I SAY it to them they say No, are you sure? Lol we all can't acknowledge our AGE.

But these friendships have not been sturdy nor strong this entire time, no way.
They are like looking through a caleidoscope (spelling? lol)... they CHANGE.

Some we had NC for years in periods. Falling out. Issues with distance.
Coming back in then stretching back out.

To me the main ingredient that made these long lasting friendships so worthy, so deep, so understanding was EMPATHY.
The less empathy either party had for the other during rough times, the less chance of it's survival.

The MORE understanding and empathy from either person, the better the chances of a strong friendship - for us anyway.

We've now weathered SO much in our long lives. Divorce for almost all. Loss of a partner for some. Now loss of parents. And far worse if we can even equate it. It's been so sad.

Enduring this pandemic "together" with ALL our differing viewpoints is interesting indeed.
Only now am I realising a third ingredient - RESPECT.
Those who simply respect the other's views, even being on opposite sides completely lol, are the friendships that will survive this too.

Nice values hey?

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Yay, if I read it right, you're enjoying a true weekend off! I hope its an enjoyable one for you Blue, and you can really relax, as well as getting some of that stuff done that I know always feels so good when it's done...

I'm glad that you're in a bit of a better place hey. So hard to ride out those tough times, and to trust that okay times will roll around, esp with all the challenges you're facing Blue. You're an amazing person tho, and if anyone can do it, you can. I know you encourage me so much here at BB.

Hmm, H and I are in a kinda weird space atm. I don't think he's aware, but....he had a 'moment' with me a few nights ago and hasn't done anything about repairing the damage. It's the same old stuff, his trust issues, something I said triggering him, and me just feeling all the disappointment and anger and...Hurt, really, that he cannot accept that this is me, not the product of someone else's conversations or influence. So dumb. A little word like "YUM" and dinner is spoilt.

Anyway, the kicker being that he hasn't attempted to talk about it, and as I finally saw the writing on the wall, really clearly, and saw our paths diverge, I couldn't be bothered talking to him either. there doesn't seem any point, when we're just going to do this again. He doesn't see a problem with his behaviour, and I don't see much in our marriage thats real and worth fighting for, in an emotional/spiritual sense.

I seem to be in a place of let go, with him, and my foo family.

It's not that it's an awful marriage to be in, it's just lacking a certain something, and I know that when the time is right, and I can move on, with the least possible disruption to our lives, then I will.

That sounds very heartless and callous doesn't it. Hmmm. I guess I can't cope with any more drama. It's all leached out of me. I'm going thru the motions, and for me, thats a very weird place to be. I get so passionate about everything. I just can't be bothered anymore. It's as if I've realised that I'm just trying to change him, and get him to become someone he's not. As well as he doesn't accept who I am. I'm not convinced that 'God' (whomever I perceive her to be, lol) wants me to be in this kind of relationship, beyond the purposes of nurturing our daughters growth while she needs us.

Anyhow, we're all a Work In Progress, and I guess I have to wait and see how it all plays out.

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy!

Hey, how have you been? I've loved reading about your art escapades- thats so awesome. Confirmation of heaps of convos I've been a part of recently about art and MH, the arts, more broadly. Perhaps we shall come out of this covid period with a greater appreciation of the arts and fund it appropriately!! It is the sign of an evolved society! I shall chat more on your thread, but I love my sketch books, which I get from the newsagency, they have a black cover and come in heaps of sizes. The little A5 ones are great for the shoulder bag, the A2 is perfect for scenery sketches or free drawing.

Hey, it sounds like you've had your trust trampled a bit- not surprising youre feeling a bit flat.

Something someone said once to me- trust is something that we ought to give with discretion. She said we shouldn't trust anyone completely, but rather, learn with what we can trust ppl, and what they can't be trusted with. Eg, I have learnt with one DR that I can trust him to provide me with the basic, medical info that I need to make a good decision. I can't trust him to give me an alternative viewpoint, he's very straight. So I get the basics, and work it out from there. Sometimes thats useful. Does that make sense?

So, maybe with your professionals, you could work out what they're good at, and what you CAN trust them with. And then maybe you won't feel so let down and disappointed when they can't do some stuff.

I guess, at the end of the day, we need to learn to trust in ourselves.

My experience is, tho, that my past experiences have damaged my self trust, which led to misplaced trust in others.

Does that ring true for you Sleepy?

I hope that you can move on from the hurt feelings you're having now, and find your way to a place of relying and trsuting in Sleepy. You're the expert in your life! No-one else.

Love,

J*

PS guess what? I spoke too soon. All of NSW is in lockdown now, so we're joinging the chaos!!! Not sure what it will do for my work, will have to wait and see. I DO enjoy my work btw Sleepy! Heaps of 'self-doubt' moments, but maybe thats me growing and learning in this new way. It's been a long time since I've been in consistent paid work.

Take care,

J*

[Guest_1643]

hey J -

nice to read all that's been going on, how ur daughter is handling her friendship and how ur doing and feeling. thank u for sharing and updating us all, its great to talk to u here, always.

I resonate with naturally all u said about not trusting anyone 100 percent, giving away trust when its evident tht the person is able to be worthy of it. Yes, it definitely makes sense wht you're sayign!! so sorry that's terrible that covid is now affecting your areas, i was so happy to read you guys can move around a bit freely. sounds so hard in NSW.. snding big hugs.

our cases arent really going down so i dont know if we will be able to exit lockdown as hoped for mid next week, its a bit endless atm.

I feel a bit sad my psych is away and i'm pushing through these muddy waters. He's been regular, at least, a regular check in. But thats okay, Ill keep finding other ways to connect. Gratefl for this space. Hope ur havng an okay weekend... and will see if I spot similar art books!

my fave medium is the watercolors, i think, the pencils which you add water too, what do u lik to use?? xx

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

LOVE the values- Yes! Empathy, understanding, respect- so important!!

Mama, it doesn't surprise me that you've got those long lasting friendships! You're one of those ppl that others want to keep in their lives! I've one friendship thats weathered many storms, and I treasure it. Having that friend reassures me, in the midst of all else, that I'm ok!! I guess thats what friends can do. But then the opposite is also true, and then it's particularly hard.

Thankyou for those beautiful words tho- gosh I was almost going to gloss over that, and ignore the fact that YOU value me and consider me worth having as a friend!! Nope, I'm going to breathe that in, and let it recharge my old tired batteries, which get so worn out whenever I dwell on my stupid family relations.

A friend/long term acquaintance- was asking me about things on weekend, and it touched a deep nerve. I ended up asking her if we could please stop talking about it. Damage done tho, it's been haunting me a bit. Trying to be fair and impartial, and work out whats my responsibility in all this, and what belongs to others.

Actually, what I've ended up doing is buying presents!! Is that weird?? For my d, and my sister. Maybe it's a sign of my internal resolve to love, and not become bitter about their behaviour. I'll keep them for Christmas, but it feels nice to be able to buy them something I'm fairly certain they'll like. Not having a clue what to get d for her wedding present has been bothering me. I haven't even seen inside her house, so have no idea what colours, what style.....

Oh, me and friends! I start out all enthusiastic, and then I need time and space and so retreat into my shell, work, homelife. Then I worry that I'm not being available enough, but know that I have to have balance.... It's not easy IMO. I think having a mother who was fairly unsociable doesn't set me up well to be comfortable with others. I just thank god when they can tolerate my peculiarities!!

The lockdown going regional has thrown us all into chaos. I'm hoping I get some home time out of it tho. I spent hours in my garden today, and finished a batch of marmalade. T is sick with a cold, so I'm happy she gets to stay home without undergoing a covid test! Poor darling, she's got the sniffles and dribbles....

Hope you're all staying well Em, and work is easing up. I haven't been able to catch up with your thread much, but I will.

Love

J*