My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[ecomama]

Dearest J*

I'm so sorry for you pain.
I know the feelings of what you're going through and you never deserve abuse.

Indeed DV is acknowledged as a cycle.
The "buy back" can get less and less with shorter times between the episodes.

H is not well.

Taking things to such extremes, as he has, is not mentally well and reeks 1000% of control.

As part of your safety plan that we've discussed before but I didn't call it a "safety plan" is taking data and KNOWING WHEN H is more likely to spew out that verbal puss like a volcano.

It seems to have TWO common variables; alcohol and Friday nights.
That + that = spewing volcano.

I wish I could be more descriptive about what I did for years to "avoid" those nights but as of recent events, it would be wise for me not to.

Other things could be inviting one of Ts friends for a sleep over.
People like H are usually VERY concerned about their "reputation".

Another thing I would suggest is to be VERY prescriptive with H.
EG "If you do _____, I will walk away, you can write it ALL for the marriage counsellor and for your own counsellor, but I will not tolerate this any more as it gets us no where FAST".

Boundaries J*.

H needs to RE-learn HOW to respect you.
Standing UP for yourself with extremely CLEAR boundaries and following them yourself is what's needed.

I'm not saying it will work!
There is virtually nothing you can do to support him to reprogram himself.
That's a MH professional's long task.

What you CAN do is to continue to visualise your happy places, your peaceful life, being surrounded with like minded others in a beautiful tribe.
Strive for this.

I know your Prayers will be answered. Maybe not in the way you want, but in God's way.

You will be okay.
I will be okay.

H needs some solid ground and he needs to work this out for himself with the right MH professionals. That's not your job.

Love to you
EM

[Guest_1643]

dear j i'm sorry for what you're going through

i jsut found ur thread

sounds difficult and hard and ur doing an amazing job

sending hugs and support to u and gratitude for ur amazing help and care

[Jstar49]

Hi,

You guys are amazing. This space is amazing.

I'm having a slow morning, got work this afternoon, and have been taking a break. Reading in bed, let H do morning school run complete with food....surprise surprise they managed fine! He's been really cooperative, and i was taking it in stride, being grateful obviously, and now....coming on here and re reading my words, after reading your posts, Em, and Sleepy- thankyou, more than the words say 💚

Thanks Em, I know I cannot do this with him, he needs to get help. Altho he comes to me with his revelations. Recent events which remind him of how he's suppressed. Everything.

Anyway, I guess I realise that he's still in 'best behaviour' mode, and that this isn't the new normal, that i still need to be careful. And realising thats part of my lethargy now, the catch up of recent events, and the emotional toll it takes. Plus its been that time of the month.

Plus an acquaintance revealed that my eldest D's wedding is in the pipeline. He asked H what role he was taking in it, totally unknowing that we didn't even know about it. So. Deciding to sit on my knowledge for once, altho I wanted to ring mum and scream at her, I know it's not productive.

I'm consumed with thoughts of what can we give her? What can I say? Will she maybe invite us after all? Is there anything I can do to help that to happen....I want to go to her, but her day off is my day at work. And even talking about this stuff seriously shakes me up, I doubt I can go to work after talking with her, if she even answered her door.

So maybe I will write a card. Again. Or post a parcel. I want to give her my ring, which she has always wanted. It was a gift from a close friend, and its hers when I'm gone. I don't even know what she likes anymore, as I've had no feedback from prev gifts, I haven't seen her place, I don't know what she has, or what she needs. My mum is...strange and secretive, just as she was about my sister when she stopped talking to me. As if she was not allowed to relay news or tell anything. I avoid asking.

My head goes round and around. The kindest thing I can do is not think about it. But I don't want to appear uncaring to her, as I am anything but! I care, so much it hurts! Nothing i do seem to work.

My mother says that to me, nothing she says it the 'right thing'. So she doesn't say anything.

I don't want to make her mistakes.

So I make my own.

Arghhh!

Hope you guys are well, I'll catch up on your threads soon,

Love

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Hugs to you, too.

I understand both sides of what you're feeling now, about wanting to be there for someone who has done good by you, not just bad - but also about the "cycle of violence". I defer to EM's advice about a safety plan, as my response to the abusive ex was to give what he gave straight back to him. Not the best strategy. In fact, leaving was a product of my conclusion I could be a lot better than the person I was around him. At least your husband seems to have redeeming features compared to that idiot, and you're dealing with it better than a 20-something y/o Blue did. Fire has its place - not so much in resolving relationship problems. EM's suggestions about boundaries seem sound, I'd go with that instead.

Sorry to hear you found out about your daughter's upcoming wedding through a third party. I'm afraid I don't have anything useful to say about that, it's wholly outside my experience, nor do I know anything about why she cut off contact. I do wish things were different, and that it wasn't so hard on you. Here to listen and sit with you, even when I don't have answers.

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

hi J

i can hear how stressful that is for u and also how sensitive you are - i am so inspired by u

i know so many ppl say they don't know what to sy - so they say nothing. anything is always better, i agree with u on that and hope to implement that in my life too. Not running away from the hard conversations. A card sounds beautiful . I hope ur doing okay x

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Ha! I gotta laugh cos my strategy used to look pretty much like yours I think! Arc up, fire back. Didn't work so good. Temporarily, but not in the long run.

Em did have some good points. Funnily enough he started to react again tonite- Friday night!- and I was looking for an escape route! Phone call from an intuitive GF after waiting 30 mins for a takeaway pizza for him changed the scene, for which I am grateful. I could see he was getting antsy. Suspicious. Asking me what I've been doing and why am I dressed like that. I know, you're picturing sexy low cut top, and maybe lipstick right?! nope! Jeans and a button down!! Must be cos it was Friday!

Anyway!

Yes he does have redeeming features Blue. I struggle to see them when he's being nasty, but they're there. Trouble is, the nastiness takes a long time to fade from my memory.

I can totally relate to your sentiment of not liking the person you became in that previous abusive relationship. Thats the thing hey. I find my worst qualities come out with H, and thats not the life I want to be living. Just now I'm working on being my best self, in this relationship, and putting whatever strategies in place to help us/me get thru. But it's def in the back of my head to make an escape route.

On the issue of my D. I feel like you might be asking me a question, to which I have no answer. I have third hand part answers, thru my mum, and my sister (in anger, intending to wound me) which enlightens me somewhat. She thinks I love my youngest more than her.

I have the knowledge that I was a crap mum, with PND, and living away from support and family. Single mum. Anger issues. She remembers me slamming a door once, which hit her in the face cos she was trying to follow me. It made her nose really sore. I felt so bad about that, and she never forgave me. Very strong willed.

Anyway, despite all that we were really close. But ...difficult, y'know. Nothing was easy. She was Sh-ing before she left home. That was hard. Headspace was...interesting. Her GF was saying poisonous stuff.

Then she left home, under a cloud of misunderstandings. And was in my parents home, with my dad who does the subtle put downs very well. And near my sister who ...hates me, tbh. And she gradually stopped seeing me, or talking to me. I think she felt like she had to choose, me or them. And she needed them. Plus, the rest of the family were in agreement that I was the problem.

The last time she visited was to bring her BF to meet us.

[golden82]

hi J*,

Re H; It does sound like the cycle of abuse. Regardless of his background/upbringing this is not an excuse to then carry this on with you. Boundaries; and he should be trying with counselling to help heal himself. But no excuses for bad behaviour with you. Obviously as you are a kind and gentle person (as all of us here are) you will be understanding of him; but that does not give him the right to abuse your kindness/understanding.

Re your eldest D; she sounds very much like my M. Stubborn, and unforgiving. Apparently I smashed a plate when I was 8yo and M claims to have PTSD from this and so cannot have me in her life. Or in/out her life always off/on and on her terms in a neutral place so even a park bench in the middle of winter for one hour only, until she changes the rules up again so that then someone else (even one of my abusers) has to be present - because she apparently doesn't feel safe around me. I am sorry to say this, but I think your D is the same, trying to make you feel bad, and be in control of a situation leaving you floundering with no control and wanting her love. This is crap. This is abuse. Just the way you feel helpless, and that you are thinking about her all the time. That is the same for me with my M. This is apparently what they want. You deserve better.

At least in your case your D has hope for change. My M is nearly 70yo - been this way forever. Is not changing.. unfortunately. No matter how much I hope. But your D has time still. I hope she sees the light. But I would not buy into her power games. Not inviting you to her wedding is a power game. It is so cruel. My brother's wife orchestrated this for me - So my D, M, brother and her, and all the rest of family and friends were at the wedding. Everyone but me (the grooms only sibling). Just like for you..the brides mother. My heart bleeds for you J*. But you are better than them. SO MUCH better than them, you can hold your head high. You have values and principles and are kind, loving, considerate of others. Even here, amongst this crap you are thinking of D.

She is lucky to have you as her mum. My M has a ring meant for me - I have asked her about it over the decades - she is so greedy and stubborn she refuses to give it to me to wear and enjoy. She keeps it locked away. Just so she has it and not me. It is meant for me from my Ds side (who she divorced).. It was from my Ds side. And here you are thinking of your D. Our paths are so similar J*, it is hard to read. xo

[Jstar49]

Hey Golden,

Not sure if you might pop in here, but it's worth a try.

You said, in self care, "I spend my days in bed miserable thinking of them and so sad for what should be/what I had hoped in a family etc and trying to find reason. But I have been doing this for years and my 'life' has been passing me by."

I want to let you know that I really resonate with your words, that I have felt the same feelings and thought the same thoughts about my family. AND it makes me ANGRY! Angry that they can't be there for me, the way I have been there for them. that they can't be forgiving or accepting of me, tho I am of them. And mostly disappointed in what I think should be there, between us, as a family. It has stopped me from appreciating what I do have.

It's so good to hear you say this stuff becos I know for me, that its crucial to me turning my eyes forwards. looking out towards my life, as it is. Accepting it, and living it. Enough mourning what it isn't. Enough trying to change it (at least with my foo family). The recent past has shown me that I have no power in those relationships, for whatever reason. We've made no commitment or agreement to be there for each other, unlike my marriage.

And I too have hated myself, I think simply becos I felt unloved in my foo family.

It's taken me nearly 50 yrs to even start to grasp that I feel unloved becos they're not very good at loving! NOT becos I'm unlovable.

So Yay Golden! I'm so happy and proud and glad for you. I can just see you beginning to cut those strings of false beliefs and rotten no good self hate....

I'm giving you a huge purple balloon, with a golden string (golden for a golden girl ❤) and the name of this balloon is self love. Because all the sappy songs are right. When you love yourself, it lifts you and gives you a different perspective. It allows you to see that other ppl are flawed, and they're not always right. We need to listen with discernment, and not let those powerful negative words settle in our soul. We have to protect ourselves like we would our children, protect our souls and hearts from the nasty thoughts and words ppl say becos of the blackness within themselves.

LOVE,

J*

[Jstar49]

Wow, Golden you must have been posting that last one while I was writing!

Super wow, so many similarities.

It's true it is a power game with my d.

You hve given me much to consider.

I must confess, I am not only gentle and kind and loving. I can also be truly terrifying, or so I am told. My ex's friends were scared of me LOL! I might be a bit more chilled now, I'm not sure. I'm not with him anymore. Thats probably half the reason! I didn't like myself much in that relationship.

Golden you sound so clear and together and awesome- I'm so glad, you really sound like you're getting thru that dark tunnel

xxx

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

THANKYOU!

I think I needed to hear that, about something said being better than nothing. I want her to know that it's ok, that I can be ok with her decision (even if it hurts) I want her to know that it hurts but not guilt trip her with it, or let her have some kind of power over me becos of it ( re Goldens insight of it being a power play)

I remember how important it was for me to invite the ppl that I wanted to have at our wedding. I wanted it to be lovely, fun and relaxed. And it was! Everyone had such a good nite, I think in part becos it wasn't stuffy. Anyway, I'd hate to be there and have everyone feeling sorry for me, or my daughter not speaking to me.

H of course gets angry about the whole thing. It reflects badly on him, he feels.

EM you are so right there- it's all about reputation and appearances! Shame!

So Sleepy, you have encouraged me to write a card, again. Maybe I could get flowers delivered! Now that I have a job it's even possible 🙂 I do wonder how she receives these cards and gifts. I would like to be a fly on the wall!

Thanks for finding me btw 🙂

Cheers

J*