My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

PS

Thanks for the support, and the kittens 🙂

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Oh Yes! I'm glad you found the FFT podcast- I found it in a collection of her faves, so wasn't sure how you'd go. Love that quote!

Love that you're not waiting!

Funny that you got called out- sure there's times when you've expressed frustration etc with the LD rship, but thats just the nature of it. A tricky balance, being in a rship with someone you love deeply, maintaining that rship at a distance, and still being present with everything else in your life. Often when we express ourselves honestly and in the moment, only part of the story emerges, which can give ppl a skewed impression. You know your truth. Waiting? Ha! 😉

It's funny you should mention that: "Is there something way back like when you were dating that he's held on to or something"

I probably haven't thought it important to mention, but he kept harking back to a time when he passed me the phone, he was talking to a mate of his, and I had a couple wines in me, and said "Hi darl". Thats all. He likes to brag of me to his mates. Often asks me to 'say hello to so and so'

It was the one and only time I talked to this guy on the phone. Their friendship broke down in the couple yrs after. He is truly a dick with women.

Anyway, this is the guy whom my language and mannersims at times reminds me of. Its common enough stuff, but he feels like its all prison culture references or words etc, and it just triggers him, every time. It's got so that I can sense it, almost a second after the word has been spoken. It's so weird. Its this hidden minefield, with mines/words being added every day. It is 'wood worming' our rship. And he's trying so hard to submerge it, and not get the help he admitted he needs.

Amberlite one thing that has been recognised recently (thanks to excellent couples counselling) is that it's probably connected to childhood trauma, specifically witnessing DV as a kid. Seriously violent stuff. So he almost doesn't recognise that his words and actions ARE violent, becos it's so different, so much less physically violent, than what he grew up with. Thats not an excuse, but it helps me to understand HIS problem, and it's roots. He was also initailly less defensive about it, once he could see that it links to this trauma. Tho he still finds it almost impossible to talk about with me. We def need more prof help on this one. Mind you, we've been attending counselling for almost a year, 5 sessions, to get to this point.

Thinking of you, Em, and your difficult day today,

Love to all,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J* (with a wave to EM),

You know what? It's healthy to want some fun. We go through struggles as a counterpoint to the beauty in life, they're not meant to overwhelm and replace it. I had that trouble with my ex, all the work and responsibilities of a relationship (and pretty much a parent to that one, too) - precisely none of the fun, enjoyment, or really any positive outcomes that should come from those things. We shouldn't have to live that way, it's not reasonable to ask of someone. And the other side of that - the people causing us distress tend not to be getting much good out of it either. It's a losing game for all involved.

Better at apologising is a start. Do you feel like he means it when he apologises? If he does, that's a paradigm shift that can lead to not doing the stuff to apologise for in the first place.

Oh bugger, the rain really did unravel that date for you. Sorry to hear that. Have you organised another time to try again?

Are you finding your affection toward him is bringing him more into the present? I hope so.

I managed to play a video game for a while. It was, indeed, fun. 🙂

Blue.

PS Welcome Amberlite. I don't think I can contribute anything that hasn't been said already. Only that I'm glad you're communicating about what you're going through and understand you are not at fault for the abuse you have been dealing with. That's a really important starting point to getting help and changing the situation you are living in.

[ecomama]

Hi J* ( hi Blue and welcome amberlite)

Well I'm not sure why H is fixated on that silly joking comment to a friend of his buttttt I often think in the absence of ANY other thing to pick on, "abusive people" like to nitpick.
Find anything and everything to have a go on.

So I get it 100% being with demon for waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.

This may sound ridiculous because IT IS!
Did I tell you that demon often went off it's nit at me bec I "didn't give the children my calf muscles"??
Yup.
demon is insane.

So if your imagination could be polluted with garbage starting from THAT and working outwards... woah it's madness.

LIGHT conversation before heading to work hey??
Omg lol.

Yes the FFT was interesting. Brene's awesome. I'm never really been anxious over FFTs except for the 5 Courts I had to go through.

And ofcourse the "unknown" of what demon would do once I ended the marriage.
Knowing thine enemy helped ALOT.

I never placed myself as an enemy to demon. but it did of me.

Brene's podcast I listened to yesterday was far more powerful for me than any so far.
It was the talk with Dr Edith Eger.
amberlite you may find benefit in this too!!!
As a liberated survivor of Nazi concentration camps.... at 17yo she witnessed other freed survivors walking BACK IN to the camps and just sitting and crying... they had no idea what to do once they were freed.

No idea.

I must've instinctively KNOWN this numb jumping into the abyss feeling somewhat... hence I ask women who are leaving DV to visualise their life AFTER they leave.

Creating your new life AFTER the violence has gone from one's life is so difficult. I won't go into details as it's a lived one here more than in other places.

Tbh the best I can offer to anyone at the cross roads, as long as you're "safe", is that leaving is worth it.

I'd go thru it all again in heartbeat to protect myself and my children.
The trail OUT is also difficult to navigate but MUST happen at some point for any real sense of peace, calm and happiness.

It was our ONLY chance at "LIFE". We were below ground zero otherwise.

Love to you all
EMxxx

[ecomama]

Hey J*

What's happening over yonder?

Have you heard more about the position?

I know there's been a huge rain event for you too.
They forecast strong winds tonight and that's gonna bring trees down...you know the "jumping gums" thing?

I also heard that there are hefty fines if ppl are caught driving THROUGH flooded roads, wow that's a thing too!

It hasn't rained here for about 5 hours BUT my kitchen ceiling is still dripping.
This will be quite an adventure getting all that fixed... a sunlight has issues AND an old ducted air con vent will need to be removed and patched up.
Lol my house is looking like a patchwork quilt atm!
And a mossy one in places.

What can ya do but deal I guess.

Hope you're getting some much drier weather there.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Wow it's been awhile. Guess I haven't felt like talking about my home situation much, but feel cleansed since my anger outburst lol....Like the clear air after a storm! All that ozone...

Today has been sunny, same for past few days. Hope you're able to cope with the havoc the weather has wrought, on top of all else..

Tomorrow is my first day on the job. I found out on Friday, so am glad I was 'waiting'- It meant I could snap into action, which I needed to do. Atm we're all struggling to adjust, altho turns out H can do school drops tmw, which is huge, as my day is full and it's enough to cope with that. He's been feeling stressed about work as weather affects his ability to get jobs done,creating time pressure, so not much support there. I have managed to get my head around the fact that I will be adjusting to this change of life on my own, and the rest of them will do their own process. I tried to have a productive family meeting but that didn't work. He's resistant to 'strategies' or talking about it, reckons he just works it out when it comes. Hmm. We'll see how that goes!

Meantime, I'll strategize and plan away, and make sure I've got my end sorted.

He usually comes thru, just won't promise anything. Or be very reassuring.

Yep, can't change ppl can we! Or expect them to have the same need to grow and change and develop. Its a truth that continues to speak on new levels to me. I guess there is always the need to seek to understand, not to be understood. I wish, oh I wish! that I could pass that desire to understand on to him.

Atm I am realising that any work I put into this relationship is simply to maintain the status quo, becos if I don't, it won't survive. We're in survival mode. Maybe it's just a stage, and at some point in time will be followed by a growth phase, IDK.

I read in Brene's book about 'who do you have in your support seats' (as opposed to the cheap seats). I had to say, that in my support section it's you guys here at BB. That any support and encouragement I'm getting comes from here, and gives me what I need to carry on. There is no-one else, not really. Not that I don't have friends, but here is constant and reliable, and so very safe. It's challenging at times too, which I like very much 🙂 💜

THANKYOU.

Must go. I stink from a morning spent with T having fun out and about. It was gorgeous, and just what I/we needed. Spending time tog, instead of labouring for 'family time' (H had work)

LOVE

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FIRST DAY AT WORK TODAY!!

Well first day for a while and first day in this field I gather??

I'm so happy for you!

Yes we most certainly "have your back" lol.

Your BB family is cheering you on and with you all the way.

Sure! This will be an adjustment for everyone in the family.
And when we KNOW things won't go smoothly every day (or even every hour at times), we can rest in our own capacity for dealing.

You've got this!

You can be as prepared as you can and things will still go haywire at times.
It might feel "wobbly" for quite a long while and other days you may all "work together like a well oiled machine" - that's the term I use when the kids and I all pull TOGETHER as opposed to being self-centred only.

I find that when 2 things are prepped and organised it doesn't completely fall apart:
1 being food organised... food for brekky then kind of lol lunches and possibly dinner.
2 being clothing... uniforms for school and work and my own clothes.

We had a wheel fall off late last night for today but I'll speak to my bosses, leave work at finishing time then go back after picking kids up from school to attend an optional meeting I said I planned to attend.
It's an important one for me to meet Aboriginal families at a special afternoon gathering.

Lots of love to you!
POWER ON!
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Thankyou lovely!

Work today was fun, and easier than expected. Good first day!

Yep, I haven't worked in over ten yrs! Yikes!

When last I worked, it was mostly in hospitality. Now it's in community services. SW.

Jus a beginning, but already some positive signs for opps for advancement, so thats exciting. I like listening to ppl who are hurting. Walking with them. Thats the ideal, for me.

Ton of stuff to do to make things work for T. Basic stuff, like a bus pass, and vacation care. hours on the computer. Lining up options for when we both need to work. I didn't want to restrict myself to only working in school hours becos H's work often means he can be there for pick up, or drop off, it just changes.

Food and clothing- really, is anything else important? Lol!

I'm totally with you on that. Tomorrow is a training day, so I'll buy my lunch. I haven't quite got the clothing sorted. I like your idea prev mentioned about all the work clothes together. One side of my wardrobe could be for that, organised in outfits. I'd love more colour in my wardrobe! As soon as I get paid I'm taking T shopping! (I'm still sewing, but it's so slow!!)

Sounds like you have a busy day ahead tmw- so important tho to make that time for connection with families, esp indigenous families I think. It will pay dividends later.I hope it all works without too much hassle. I can picture your gas guzzler vrooming up the highways and byways! Tunes......? What do you listen to in the car Em?
I need to get my tunes hooked up properly. Looks like I'll be doing some miles in this job.

Have a beautiful day lovely,

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Oh great J* I'm so happy your first day was AWESOME! lol. 🤭🤭🤭💓

Sounds perfect for you, I'm so glad you persisted!

So I'm gathering you'll be Australia's version of our fave Brene?
WE NEED MORE Brene's!!

I'm very excited.

Ahem you HAVE worked during those 10 years... it was unpaid work inside and outside the home. 😉🌺

Yeah those things like bus passes are a pain.

I could call in favours for a whole year with a short before and after school time for the kids when I was saving for Courts. There were a LOT of favours to be called in and everyone was lovely to do it all for us.

So I was able to avoid the BASC / OOSH realm entirely with my 2nd batch of kids lol.

Gosh it's just started to rain again and my roof / ceiling is NOT happy... please let it be dry for a week or more!!

Work wear:
Yes!
Organising my wardrobe into the work gear and the other stuff has been a major time saver for me.

Having some easy "go to" clothing has been a life saver for those pressing times when it's the LAST thing to be thought of in the household.
I can get dressed in less than 10 mins nowadays!

There's an expectation for us to wear corporate dress wear, so it's a thang!
I mostly OVER dress anyway, wherever I go lol.

I even have ALL my "work shoes" in one wardrobe and the rest in another (in my new room).

I know it may sound like overkill BUT the next thing has saved me feeling self conscious ... I keep a whole outfit in my car! 2 extra pairs of shoes in case one breaks etc... and the shirts and pants or skirts in case accidents happen.
Like babies vomit lol.

I also keep a "Feminine emergency pack" at work.
I've helped bail out others too with that pack.
Some panadol, and other stuff.

Oh gosh you're going to find out just how OCD I am lol!
I also keep a full dental pack at work.
Toothbrush, toothpaste, floss and those teeth picks you can buy in a little packet.

I also keep some Gluten free cup noodles, some peaches in those plastic cups and milo etc for emergency lunches and even breakfasts.

After 30+y in this career, it's like I could live at work for a month - almost lol.

I also keep a pillow and small lap blanket in my car, for those times I'm at a Course and it's in a huge FREEZING place or just tough on the ole butt.
Ppl laugh at me ONCE then bring theirs next time!

yay for you J*.
It's all coming together.
love EM

[Jstar49]

Oh Thankyou Em!

Hey I know you're really hurting atm for your friend, and your son, and stuffs stressing you out, so thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot.

Omy gosh they suggested that just today! Spare clothes in the car! In a sealed bag! Def doing it now lol!

Um, no! I won't be getting up in front of crowds of ppl thanks! Altho I can speak in public, I get the horrors afterwards!

Nope, I'm just happy to be getting paid. After 10+ yrs of unpaid work-thx btw for acknowledging that- getting paid for working is a novel treat! I bought myself coffee, gluten free snack, and lunch! All because I could!

Take care of you, dear Em. I'm hangin on to the sails with you, anytime.

PS tossing up whether to sleep on the couch again or go to bed. The couch has been real comfy for a few nites....

LOVE

J*