My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi,

Second part of my post- was too long lol

My resentment.... I think it's about wanting acknowledgement, for how tough it is, has been, to stay steadfast thru all this doubt and abuse. But he's only just recognising his own part, it will probably be awile before he sees the reality for me, and is grateful, if thats the emotion I'm looking for. I'm not sure. I envisage this wonderful romantic get together, sunset, looking into each others eyes, he tells me how much it means to him that I persisted in getting us help. That sounds so ridiculous, but do you know what I mean? I feel like he owes me a HUGE apology for all this stuff. The years of mistrust, accusations, distance, coldness. The broken trust isn't going to be repaired unless he puts some work into it. And tbh I'm feeling a bit empty.

He's at work atm, and I'm here trying to reset, and feeling ....IDK- anger? horrified acceptance? depression? becos this is just so ongoing. The outbursts without any recognition, in the moment, of what he's doing and saying.

The knowledge that this road goes on, and on, and on. No escape for me.

Except work. Highlight!

Cheers

J*

[ecomama]

Indeed a highlight J* CONGRATULATIONS on getting the job!!

OMG, how does it feel??

That was quick hey? lol.
I KNEW someone would snavel you up super fast... snavvel? Shnavel? Umm you know what I mean.

I've had the following convo about 5x this week, seriously...

now it's YOUR turn J* lucky YOU lol.

Sometimes in life we can invest and invest and turn ourselves into veritable KNOTS and invest more and research and set up and gain more patience from Lord only knows where... then keep going ....

ONLY to get "thus far".

What a freaking shed load of work hey?

So let's out THOSE situations over there >>>>>>> no further lol... I mean WAY OVER there >>>>>>>>>>>>

probably further...

Anyway MY POINT is that YOU will see this kind of 'path in the road' for your energy repeated over and over.

Then over there
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

are the areas in your life where, when you put in a drop of energy and focus, you get major returns.

I call this "Go with the goers".

Not necessarily PEOPLE, but could be.
Practices.
Hopefully your new job.
Creating.
Gardening.

Whatever are the things YOU get major returns from.

GO WITH THEM.

I'm not saying leave H for dust, literally. But I kinda am in a way of your MAJOR focuses or WHERE you put your majority energy.

It's time for you to "jump into the abyss" of discovering and creating your career path.
It's EXCITING and should be too!

Get into YOU.

Just so you SPARKLE as you were intended to do all along.

Love EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Sorry I haven't been around for a while. My partner has been sick, and is in hospital again now. My own stuff hasn't exactly gone away, so aside from the normal thing of being concerned for my partner, this curveball has just left me floundering with all the basic life stuff.

I hear you about the resentment, and wanting acknowledgement for all he's put you through, and for how damn lucky he is you've stuck with him through it all. You don't deserve the abuse, it isn't fair that he takes it out on you, and at the very least you deserve that apology.

I hope your daughter listens to your message. It may be a long road ahead, but I think that message of consistent care is relevant.

I'll leave off on the positive, really happy to hear about the job. Everything is looking good for you in that department, and should create some healthy change for you. Very pleased for you.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Aww thanks guys!

I feel pretty loved, must say!

Blue you express it so well, it makes me feel a bit less selfish. It's true I have put up with a lot. I don't think he appreciates it yet. Well he wouldn't becos half his brain is saying that I'm cheating on him, at least verbally if nothing else. That hasn't gone away.

Things with H, well yep, I hear that Em, focus on what's giving dividends, so to speak.Like pants patterns that work! And that I feel comfy in! Got lots of colourful fabric in lovely patterns, and I plan to have the most colourful legs at work! I'll keep it plain on top lol, that will keep the balance...:)

The job process was very quick. I had applied, but then there was another application process I thought I'd missed the narrow window on, so interview came quickly after my response. It's good, I hate agonising about things like this. They seem nice, super bubbly and cheerful. Good on the job training, which is important.

Hey Blue, thats pretty tough atm hey...? I'm so sorry. It must be very distracting to have the care and concern for your partner whilst life has to keep chugging along. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation. I guess you must learn to just focus on what absolutely needs doing, and no more. I hope you can find time to be kind to yourself, and also to nourish and excercise.... Big hugs. Thanks for making time to pop in, nice to hear from you.

I decided to speak to H about making time together, so we've got plans for lunch tmw. Pretty basic I guess, but a bit of a clue for getting thru this, create opp's for closeness, speed up the process a bit. Make time to talk about stuff. Altho i am resolved that this won't be about talk, just enjoying a different scenery, nice food, time together.

So much bloomin work these relationships hey! Huh. I don't think I'm really cut out for it! I'd rather be cutting out fabric lol!

Anyway.

Looking forward to different focus, and luckily I've listened to Brene Browns podcast about FFT, which I would get an edit from the BB crew if I wrote it out, for language.... F First Times..... Great timing, cos it reminds me that we'll all be put thru the wringer a bit. And it will be tricky coordinating our timetables to be there for T.

Bring it on!

Cheers,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

It's certainly not selfish to want to be treated with kindness and not constant suspicion. The opposite can really wear on a person after a while. Unfortunately I expect it may be a while before your husband's paranoia eases. Let's hope the process is at least beginning in him.

Actually, in some ways this current crisis has honed my focus - that sense of urgency has kicked me into a new gear. I figured I only really had yesterday to get everything done I needed to before the long stretch at work, and lo - most of it was done yesterday. Mental stimulation, y'all. Unexpectedly it's worked out I have today largely to myself, and not much boring work left to do. Will try and work some fun into my day.

I think I saw somewhere that you and your husband got rained out of your lunch plans. Hopefully you still got some fun time together to connect. You're right that time spent together on things other than talking through the heavy stuff is important. Balance in all things.

Yup, relationships can be pretty hard work. Worth it when both partners are on board, though, and that's the failing point of most relationships - one or both not willing to put in the effort when the chemistry wears off. There's only so far you can go on chemistry or familiarity. You're trying to live a life with your husband, not just trudge along in the same old miserable rut like so many people do, and that counts.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

So true, thats it exactly. I want a life that is fulfilling and enjoyable, as well as all the normal and abnormal struggles. I want some fun damit!

One plus is he's getting better at apologising- the little things.

Man, the rain! It created it's own dramas today, so fish'n'chips at home and a movie was kinda interrupted by the welcome news that we could now pick T up from school- floodwaters everywhere making things tricky.

He's always got so much going on it's hard for him to be present with me. I find it hard. Have noticed myself consciously being more affectionate with him, instead of holding back.

It's a strategy. Or me asking for what I want, but without words 😉

Good on you Blue! Hope you got some good relax and letyourhair down fun today! Yay!

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* and hi Blue too..

I think those "small things" contribute to a more beautiful life.

Sure I'm concerned that this "thing" H focusses on is really wood worming your r/ship.

Is there something way back like when you were dating that he's held on to or something?
IDK... it just seems so weird.
And ofcourse it's weird.

I FINALLY found the FFT Podcast and I'm listening to it now... I just laughed at her quote from another person....

Either get busy living or get busy dying... AHA. NAILED IT.

You see we just can't WAIT UNTIL..... this or that!!
WE CAN'T wait until we get a job until we're "happy" (it ain't gonna happen)... or wait until we get a new house before we're happy...

or ANY of it.

I've got this metal poster that says "Happiness isn't a destination. It's a way of travelling".... LOVE IT.

So I'm giving myself a "Permission Slip" lol to be happy.
Just be happy.

Sure I can be sad too.
Tomorrow will be sad.
BUT I KNOW it can also be happy!

On another thread I've not seen you darlings on, lol, I was kind of put on the spot in the nicest, politest possible way lol... about "waiting" for BF to I guess 'begin my life' ....

ummm check pulse.
Yep.
Living.
Awesome!

As long as there's breath, there's hope.....
AND an opportunity to HAVE GREAT FUN!
To ENJOY my LIFE NOW.

I'm so glad you got fish and chips and watched a movie... Just grab it J*.
Even in your own marriage you can still be experiencing that vulnerable feeling of "jumping into the abyss".

I need to choose my outfit for tomorrow.
Me thinks it's NOT a jeans and t-shirt thing... like I thought it'd be.

And expecting that huge "stay at home" weather warning storm tomorrow.
Hmmm gumboots could be needed too!

Love EM

[amberlite]

To the sister in pain above me I just wanna send you a basket of kittens, because you deserve all the love this world has to offer! My problem is that almost every three weeks my H has a nasty melt down and yes grog is involved and no there is zero provocation or reason. Something in his thinking snaps and then he vents the most awful stuff. He tries so very hard to brake me down, when I did finally get annoyed for a moment I actually caught him looking gleeful. That shut my anger off quick, to think doing this gets him off, it's like his own sick intimacy game. He is never like this to others, probably because deep down he has to know it's wrong. I really hate him today, I hate that he threatens my peace of mind and my security for a pointless tantrum. I hate that it has taken me 28 years to be certain that he had a problem and that my only fault was not seeing the pattern sooner. For 18yrs I believed him and hated me, but slowly as I've matured it has dawned on me. This dude uses me to vent, threaten, and take out all his built up real or imaged troubles, and I'm silently sad and angry. If this did not happen then we would be way better off. Sorry if my spew has triggered or upset anyone, Bye

[Sophie_M]

Hi amberlite,

Thank you for supporting the community. We are so sorry that you have been subjected to your husband's nasty meltdowns. Please know that no one has the right to threaten your security, and that there is lots of support available to you.

We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ for online chat.

Safe Steps is also a 24/7 family violence response centre. You can call them for advice and support 24/7 on 1800 015 188 or connect with a family violence specialist online Mon-Fri, 9am-midnight at https://www.safesteps.org.au/about-us/contact-us/

If you have been threatened or you are fearful for yourself, a child or a family member – call 000 (triple zero).

Thanks for reaching out.  

[Jstar49]

Hey Amberlite,

Good to see you here. It is absolutely a safe space and we're all here for each other.

Some of the stuff you say sounds so familiar to me, the snaps, the alcohol, the fact that you have been blaming yourself, thinking it's something in you, but are recognising that it's his problem.

Thats an important point to reach. Hopefully you can begin to take action which will make you safer, energetically and maybe even physically- IDK what the situation is. I know that I feel physically threatened and unsafe even when the violence isn't physical. I guess becos it makes me feel unsafe in my own home, the place where we all need to feel safe.

Have you been able to talk to your partner at all, in calmer times? Does he ever admit he might have a problem?

Your statement that you're "silently sad and angry" concerns me greatly. I know how much keeping these feelings inside is damaging, to myself and my self esteem, well being.

I hope you can continue to share about whats going on for you, how you are feeling.

You don't deserve this mans anger and abuse. If you have stuck with him this long, then you deserve love and respect and appreciation.

I hope that you can at least give this to yourself, while you work out what to do next.

Hugs,

J*