My BPD GF suddenly upped and left

[EmmaP]

Hi Everyone,

My borderline personality disorder girlfriend upped and left me yesterday without warning. We had been friends for 4 years and together for 7+ months. It was her birthday last week and I made sure to make it special for her. Its my birthday this week and she upped and left before my birthday. She half did the breakup over text and half via a letter she handed to me in person. She sent the text when she knew I would be at work and I was a hysterical mess in the work bathroom on the floor. I went straight to my best friends house.

She has been very sick mentally, but I didn't see it coming. Everything was perfect last week with her birthday, I had a performance on the weekend and she was extremely supportive and even jumped on stage when I finished and kissed and hugged me in front of everyone. She then gave me a bit of the silent treatment this week, and I just assumed she was having another "episode" and gave her the space.

Next thing you know she has left me, with stupid excuses. She hadn't and wouldn't discuss what was going on for her this week or of late so I had no indication of what was going on for her. She tried to do it "humanely" but it has left me broken hearted and smashed into a million pieces. She says its because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and its not fair on me how sick she is, but it just seems really ironic because she has hurt me incredibly by doing it.

When we first got together she idolised me and put me on a pedestal in true BPD fashion, and she then tore the rug from under me in true BPD fashion. We had so many plans and future goals, and now I'm feeling lost. I gave this relationship everything, which may have been my downfall. I read the books, set boundaries, cared for her when she was sick, gave her space when she wanted it.

My problem is separation anxiety after my mothers and fathers abandonment of me when I was younger, & then my grandmothers sudden

death two years ago, she was my best friend. I feel like my now I cannot trust and like one more person has abandoned me after the promise of eternal love and never going anywhere.

Just as I was getting

my anxiety and depression under control this has happen and it now feels like 5 steps backwards. I'm trying to stay positive but its hard and my chest feels like its been pounded in, I can't eat and I just want to sleep, but when I do I'm constantly waking up and having nightmares.

Sorry, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest 😞 ...

[AGrace]

Hi EmmaP,

I have a feeling I may have responded to another of your posts?

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. Living with BPD, I know that I often make very rash decisions in the heat of the moment, and often for no valid reason. Have you been able to talk with your girlfriend since this happened? Is you girlfriend currently getting help with her illness? One of the things I do as a BPD sufferer is push people away when things feel too good to be true. I guess theoretically for a couple of reasons. Firstly the fear of real or imagined abandonment. If you feel like someone might leave you, then it's better to leave them first. Secondly (and this ties in with the first reason) is that feeling of emptiness and worthlessness, not really knowing who you are. So when I feel not good enough for my partner I am often tempted to leave him.

It sounds like you aren't dealing with this very well, understandably. Not just because loss is a painful experience, but also because of the separation anxiety. Are you speaking with a counsellor/Psychologist about this? As you said, it can be helpful to get it off your chest. A therapist can also give you some techniques to better manage this, so it's less painful - or at least to avoid any secondary suffering.

I know it's hard, but I guess another way to look at your situation, rather than 5 steps backward, is that you have been able to manage anxiety and depression before. So this is another opportunity for you to put some of those skills that you've learned into practice.

As you probably already know diet, and sleep can have a really big impact on our mood. So as much as you don't feel like it. These are a couple of things that you can control.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

AGrace

[EmmaP]

Hi AGrace,

Yes you have given me some very good advice in the past regarding my situation. She currently is waiting for a month and a half to get into a private hospital 2 month program. She is constantly suicidal and depressed, but won't talk to me about any of it. Her main reasoning was that she decided that she cannot have a partner or "worry" about me, while she is trying to fix herself and 'just survive" day to day. On one hand I understand that she just wants to concentrate on herself. The other hand, we have discussed how I would give her space and work on myself and go on meditation retreats while in hospital and we would come out new people and get on with our shared life. I don't know why she had this sudden decision to leave me though.

Also, she had a view that our relationship was just "existing" and that we weren't intimate or had sex anymore, but I am so confused because she never wanted to have sex because she never was in the "right mind frame" and I did, and I got tired of asking for sex and being denied or feeling like it was a burden on her, so I just gave up. I always still showed affection though as I am an affectionate person.

She has also stated to my best friend that I am clingy and that she is questioning her sexuality, even though I have given her the space she requested and she never once discussed that she was questioning her sexuality to me, and she actually often was quite mean about the fact I had slept with men in my past (and they were actually quite traumatic experiences for me).

I tried to talk to her and requested she take 24 hrs to think it over and she hasn't contacted me and its been more than 24 hrs. Ive just been left so confused. I am on the cancellation list for my new therapist as I can only make it there after hours and all those appointments are booked out for now.

Thank you once again for your response I appreciate it x

[SaigeT]

Hi there Emma, 

I don't know if you will see this because your post is from quite a while ago. 

I have just been through almost exactly what you described happened to you. Even down to the birthday celebrations and the struggling with their sexuality bit.  However, my I guess now ex-partner wasn't diagnosed with BPD, I had just picked up that they most likely were as they ticked all the boxes for it.

I also relate to you in that I have an anxious attachment style and am a very affectionate person and probably didn't set enough boundaries at the start.

I was just wanting to ask if you did get back together with her, and if so did it last it did it just end later.

If you did what worked for you both?

And if you didn't do you have any tips to help heal from this? 

Hope you are doing well, thanks so much for sharing what you were going through x