My boyfriend has an only fans account

[Sam145]

I have just found out that my boyfriend has an only fans account. He has asked and paid a ridiculous amount for 2 videos on certain girls on the site. Both $60 each. He has complimented the girl on how hot she is.

I consider this cheating. The reason this is more of a problem is because he said his sex drive was low and because of that we would hardly have sex.

He has had the account for 2 months. he has also cheated on me and been unfaithful and unoyal in the past. We have been together on and off for 4 years. We have only just come good and it’s been a year and 4 months.

I know his sex drive isn’t low because otherwise he wouldn’t be on only fans and wouldn’t be paying For random girls nudes when he can just get that from me for free.

my sex drive is quite high so he isn’t deprived of it

i don’t know what to do. My head says I deserve better and to leave but my heart wants to try and understand why he felt the need to do it

his reasoning was I don’t know and he wanted to feel validated. When I brought it up to him he straight up went to lie about it but I already knew the truth

[geoff]

Hello Sam and also to EM, Sleepy and Juliet, it's so difficult to part ways with someone we have spent part of our life with, letting go of the aspects of your past, the happy times and certainly when there were disagreements.

The situation you are now in, only means that this door has been closed, another one will open, perhaps in a completely different way, one you don't expect but with a positive attitude.

Try and develop your strength by learning another part of your life.

Take care.

Geoff.

[leesy_lou]

Hi Sam145,

Hope you are doing okay,

It sounds like finding this out about your boyfriend was not only confusing, but also upsetting and a massive betrayal. It also sounds like because he has cheated on you before, your trust has been broken. Now after this, I can completely understand why your head is telling you "you deserve better". Finding this out has put you in a bit of a cross roads, a battle between your head and your heart. These kinds of feelings are really common in relationships and given your situation I can completely understand why you would be feeling this way given you have been together for quite some time, 4 years, and have recently been happy.

Having and discussing boundaries and desires within a relationship is important as it ensures that both people are respected and. Discussing these things can be incredible vulnerable and uncomfortable but it is so important, as when they are not met or broken, issues tend to arise. Every person is different and has different desires and boundaries, and so is every relationship. This could be a a good conservation to have if you were both up for it. From your post, it seems like your boyfriend has crossed one of your boundaries of monogamy, through his actions both recently and in the past, regardless of it being online. You are not being unreasonable in this situation, full stop.

Relationships are so complex. Can I recommend taking some time with this decision?Decesion-making can sometimes feel like we only have two options which we must stick to till the end, which is often not the case... You have more time than you think and one decision is not the be all and end all.

I'm here during this difficult time X

[Sam145]

It’s been a month now. Some words of wisdom and support on how to keep up healthy behaviours would be appreciated

[Guest_1643]

Hey Sam, how are you goig with the healthy eating and the self care?

i'm really proud of you for moving forward. It is a strong, amazing act.

i'd suggest keeping the conversation going so you are not alone through this

your sisters sound like a great support.
I got through a really hard time recently and also had to get over an unhealthy person

I used an app to count every day that I had not contacted the ex, i was amazed to watch it build up to 90 days! Celebrate the small wins and treat yourself

No matter how hard things are, you deserve some nice you-time. A hot drink, your favourite foods, time sitting with your cat, your favourite songs...whatever makes you feel safe. I did lean a lot on Lifeline phone service as well, which is always there, too.
Cheering you on

[leesy_lou]

Sam145,

A month! wow, honestly thats amazing! Despite everything that is happening in your life you have been able to dedicate 30 days to yourself, that is not easy and I commend you. It's not always going to be easy, I really wish it was! but it will always be worth it! Hope you are slowly finding your groove back. For me its the eating part that I find so SO hard, I crave all the naughty foods especially as night! I have found drinking tea helps, but its still such a struggle.

What has been easiest part and what has been the hardest part so far?

You have asked for some tips/support about how to keep on keeping on so here two I use:

- keeping a visual calendar and crossing of each day as it passes (something rewarding about this process)

- talking to people about my progress and struggles (as you are doing here!)

Hope this helps, we are all in this together!

[ecomama]

Sam145 said:

It’s been a month now. Some words of wisdom and support on how to keep up healthy behaviours would be appreciated

Awww beautiful girl.

I love the Calendar ideas, apparently there's a No Contact diary online and forums on such. It can be SO HARD not to contact.

In addition to the 'past' Calendar activity ie counting the days you've SUCCEEDED! Because wow, it's a huge achievement.
Can you also PLAN something in the future. Doesn't matter how SMALL or how BIG but PUT THEM IN THERE.

Whatever flicks your switches!

You can create your own "rituals" like, you're gonna laugh, but this year I decided I was worth getting a take out lunch on Fridays for myself. Just like most people at my work have done for years. OMG I thought it was AWESOME. Food is pretty ordinary! lol but I felt included.

I also have "Comedy" nights, sometimes ALL night. But most especially on Sat nights.

My daughter brought some scoby around and I was supposed to do the ritual of making kombucha BUT yeah, the chickens got to eat it. That was too much this year.

I also joined a Church and LOVED it. They have SO MUCH Social stuff going on omg. And they are a SUPER healthy Church (lol ummm) and really promote insanely healthy food. They have lunches after Church.
Free Courses to do all the time on healthy eating, organic gardening (right up my alley) etc.

NOW is the time to GET THAT BUCKET list out. Delete some ugh. ADD HEAPS and GO WILD!

I'm making my next Dream Folder right now! BECAUSE I literally got everything in my last one.
I was bare bottom broke when I put my last one together. In a horrible relationship so he ridiculed me 24/7 and about my Dream Folder too. (Luckily he wasn't in my dream folder just quietly).

TODAY my last things from my first Dream Folder are arriving to be installed. Well the fridge is coming but all the other stuff is almost here omg.

I put HEAPS of travel stuff in my last one too. Got to go everywhere and more places.

Go all out. The WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER now. Well after borders open? Australia is your oyster lol.

High five. You're doing well!

Love EM