My boyfriend has an only fans account

[Sam145]

I have just found out that my boyfriend has an only fans account. He has asked and paid a ridiculous amount for 2 videos on certain girls on the site. Both $60 each. He has complimented the girl on how hot she is.

I consider this cheating. The reason this is more of a problem is because he said his sex drive was low and because of that we would hardly have sex.

He has had the account for 2 months. he has also cheated on me and been unfaithful and unoyal in the past. We have been together on and off for 4 years. We have only just come good and it’s been a year and 4 months.

I know his sex drive isn’t low because otherwise he wouldn’t be on only fans and wouldn’t be paying For random girls nudes when he can just get that from me for free.

my sex drive is quite high so he isn’t deprived of it

i don’t know what to do. My head says I deserve better and to leave but my heart wants to try and understand why he felt the need to do it

his reasoning was I don’t know and he wanted to feel validated. When I brought it up to him he straight up went to lie about it but I already knew the truth

[ecomama]

Dear Sam

Yeah it's really tough. I would have given it to him! And said "Don't let the door hit you on your way out".

Do you REALLY WANT that present?

Gosh I have a cupboard FULL of all the presents my children's exes gave to them, I should ask them to sell them. It's FULL! Seriously.

Sweetheart if staying in bed ALL DAY is what you want to do, then do it. Sleep helps. Staying in your PJs is AWESOME! Play some Cee Lo Green 😉 LOUD.
I also like Foo Fighters at these times.

You can have a SELF CARE DAY - you can paint your nails if that's what you do lol. I don't, I garden lol. Get your BEST outfit out for work Monday. REALLY SPOIL YOURSELF.

Your cat would love you staying in bed all day lol, mine thinks it's GREAT!

You dodged a bullet getting out of this relationship and your future self will THANK you endlessly.
I'm glad you loved YOURSELF enough to get out. More power to you.
Chumplady is great.... "Leave a cheater gain a life". You can Google her.

Love EM

[Sam145]

I don’t know why I argued it, guess I’m not ready to part with the things he gave me, I ended up letting him take it.

a self care day sounds really nice!

[ecomama]

Dear Sam

The thing may have represented the love you thought he had for you once upon a time, you wanted to hold on to it, it's understandable.

BUT the less you have of 'him' around, the less you have to explain to your next boyfriend lol .... believe me it's awkward.

You invested years of your life bending and swaying to meet the needs of your exbf. It'll take time to recover and get yourself running on all pistons again.

Self care and self compassion - like treating yourself as your own best friend would treat you is what's in order now and always.

If a potential partner doesn't see your worth, and they usually do that's why they hold on but the yuck ones ie narcissists etc see different things to us like earning capacity and simply don't have the capacity to love like us, then it's always best to end it quickly.

Anyway lots of education available at Chumplady and other places.

Don't let this keep you down for too long but love yourself through the low times.

You'll get through this.

Love EM

[Juliet_84]

I agree with economama, have a self-care day. Have a self-care week if you want - that’s the way that I built my strength back up, I did little things for myself every day, bought magazines, had a coffee made by a barista, slept on flannelette sheets, read an endless pile of books, and if I didn’t like the book, I stopped reading it and got another one. Identify those things that make your soul happy and do them as much as you can.
Don’t beat yourself up about arguing, emotions are raw, it was bound to happen. He may also be trying to get a reaction out of you because it makes him feel secure knowing you are in turmoil over him. But try not to get too drawn into it, things can get clouded then. Don’t lose sight that he put you in this situation, and only you can put you back together. Soon the sun will look a little brighter, hang in there x do you have any friends you can see if you get lonely?

[Guest_1643]

Hi Sam,

how's the self care going? Are you feeling settled with ur beautiful cat and ur you-time? the posts others have written show how much support you have here, wanting the best for you and to hear good news. Hang in there!!

[Sam145]

It’s going good just doing things for me and when I want to do it on my own terms. It’s good, I don’t have to worry about anyone else but myself. It is getting lonely and last night I wanted someone to cuddle but I fought through the urge to message him. I have my sisters and they’ve been a great support but I don’t have any true friends that I can confide in. I’m just trying to improve myself so I can undo all the damage to myself that he has caused me and be happy with my body. Being happy with my body is my main struggle atm. I’ve been eating healthy as much as I can and trying to incorporate some walks into my days. I have Achilles tendinopathy so it is quite challenging but I’m seeing a podiatrist for it so hopefully I’ll be back on the road soon

[ecomama]

Dear Sam

You're doing so well. I love that you're looking after yourself so well and meeting the challenges sensibly and proactively, your a CHAMPION!

The Kristen Neff YouTube talks are pretty great. I listen to her in the bath! lol.

Also you may want to Google the Gray Rock Strategy and the 180 technique. These give you very concrete strategies to do when you feel a slip back. But we all slip back and forgiving and loving yourself through those times too is really important for you.

Do you think it's time to reach out to others as well as your sisters?

It's all in your own time anyway.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey sam

good on you i think all this will really pay off, the small things add up 🙂
excercising and keeping in touch with friends are a great way to keep busy

I'm thinking myself to add a class of some sort as well to my routine to keep busy, maybe learn something new. Would that be something you might consider? Well done for not messaging him and learning new ways to honour yourself. You deserve it!

[ecomama]

Sam and Sleepy

GUESS what one of my adult daughters got some work with?

Supporting others with NDIS. So my adult daughter is supporting a number of people and one mum has just been diagnosed with autism. Part of her plan is to do Kickboxing lessons! Lol. So my daughter gets to attend kickboxing each week fully paid for and helping a lovely lady.

Crazy fun. Just puttin' it out there 🙂

EM

[Guest_1643]

HI Sam and EM

That is a great idea, helping others in such a way can only do good

I've always started volunteering and then dropped it over time - big regret for me. ANd in this case your daughter is getting paid for her kindness

good one!