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My anxiety is made worse by my partners communication

Community Member
My boyfriend has depression and I have anxiety. He’s in a bad place at the moment and when he is like this he is cold and distant. I try to be there for him, but I don’t know what the right thing to do is and he won’t talk to me about anything.
I try so hard to tell myself the way he is acting is because of his depression, but it sets off my anxiety really badly. I constantly worry that I’m doing the wrong thing to an irrational point where I’ll keep asking if I’m doing something wrong and I can’t believe him when he says no because he too often won’t address a problem he has with me until way after it has happened.

So often I will think everything is fine between us but then will find out that he is really upset or angry at me for something I didn’t even realise was a problem.

So I can’t settle my anxiety about me doing the wrong thing by telling myself that it’s all in my head like I do about other things I’m anxious about, because it’s not, I do keep doing things wrong and I never know until it’s too late.
I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells because I cant distinguish between what small things will make him angry and what is just normal communication. It feels like he wants me to read his mind of what he expects of me and I’m constantly confused, anxious, and exhausted.
When I have tried addressing the problem it seems it always gets twisted in someway or it makes his self loathing worse and I just don’t know what to do. I love him so much and I really want to find a solution.
2 Replies 2

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Brie.l, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I'm really sorry about how your boyfriend is feeling and also how you are, but with depression, anxiety is close behind it, because people who were really sad and worried, then they too might be depressed.

I can't say whether or not this is the case as I'm not qualified to say, only a doctor or psych can determine this.

You aren't necessarily doing anything wrong because sometimes it's not easy to talk with a partner or spouse because what you want to ask is either not responded to or addressed.

You can't possibly read his mind, especially if he's suffering from depression, thoughts change and are never consistent but he can't be blamed for this, because of this illness.

Your boyfriend needs to make an appointment to see his doctor and then refer him to a psychologist using a mental health plan, where he can have 10 Medicare paid sessions per year.

Can I also suggest the same for you to help you cope with these daily struggles, I know it's not easy and feel very sorry for you.

If you can get back to us, we can continue.

Take care.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Brie.l,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here and reaching out. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this - depression and anxiety are a common but tricky mix.

For what it's worth (and if it comforts you a little), I have depression and anxiety and my partner has depression too - so I can definitely relate to those feelings of doing the wrong thing. It's especially made harder when people aren't open about what they are feeling!

While anxiety can be a terrible thing to go through, being anxious about communicating your partner can be a good thing because it shows how much you care. It's completely natural and normal to be cautious and attentive in not wanting to do the wrong thing, but at the same time, feeling like you're walking on eggshells isn't helping anybody.

When your partner says that in that moment, you're not doing the wrong thing - could you work on believing that? I honestly believe that if your intentions are good in that moment, how he reacts is completely out of your control. If you were to criticise him, it's fair to say that that's not the right thing to do, but for the most part I would imagine that when you talk to him - you do genuinely mean well.

This can be a really tricky concept to grasp, and while you haven't given us any examples, I believe that you are doing the best that you can, in that moment, with the information you have. When you know better, and can understand from him what he wants, you can do better - but right now, that's enough.

I do echo Geoff in that it can be really helpful to talk to someone; even if it is just an outsider.

Hope that this helps 🙂