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Relationship concerns seem irreconcilable?

JessicaS
Community Member

Hi all, sorry for the long post...

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. When we got together I had some concerns because we have very different interests - I love travel, art, museums, books and going out, he loves camping, the bush, 4WDs and fishing etc. But I would go camping with him and enjoyed it (for 1 or 2 days haha), and I thought because we each had large groups of friends, we could handle that by having our own lives and then coming together for things we both enjoyed.5 years on, that was not a good idea. We have moved since to a semi-rural area an hour away from our friends, and our lives have grown completely apart. He is also drinking 6-10 beers every day which I think is contributing to this. I have told him so many times that I am lonely, and miserable, and want to make more efforts. He always agrees, then never follows through with plans...either he is hungover or tired or his back hurts or something will come up. We also have had a few discussions about housework, and he always says he will make more efforts, does for a few days and then stops. I do basically all of our housework.

We have tried to spend more time together, but we just don't like doing the same things, so it is always a compromise. And a lot of the time, it feels like we have nothing to talk about. He came with me to Europe last year and enjoyed it but that just emphasised our differences again, because we really didn't want to do the same things at all. I've suggested he may be depressed because he doesn't seem engaged with life and is drinking, he says he will seek help but then doesn't.

If it wasn't for one thing, this would seem like we clearly shouldn't be together, nothing is really working. But he is such a sweet, funny and kind man, and he really, really loves me. He tells me all the time, he looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and he is always complimenting and being sweet to me. And we don't really fight, maybe once every 6 months or so we have a big discussion about issues that can get a bit heated but not really arguing. We hug each other all the time, and our friends would say we are the model relationship. But I feel so lonely. However I can't imagine hurting him by leaving him, because he has nobody else really since he's drifted away from his friends. So occasionally, I consider suicide as the best way out. And I don't think that's normal and I don't know what to do or how to talk to him about this.

1 Reply 1

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear JessicaS~

I can't find your previous two posts so will have to treat this as your first and welcome you here. It is a big thing to describe your life in such clarity, and frankly brave to mention you have thought of suicide -though I'm glad you did.

I guess there are several things.

In your new location you are thrown together more for support and enjoyment, and it is not working. At the monument the problems seems fundamental to you and I'd imagine from what you say you are split to ways. You think of a life that has the things in it you enjoy, and want to go for it.

Unfortunately that seems to mean you have to leave your husband, and you cannot bear to do that either. As a result thinking of suicide is understandable, even though it is a dangerous oversimplification and a false path. Things can work out better.

The fact your huband drinks so much and drifted away from freinds, not enjoying life, all looks like medical help, or at leat a qualified opinion should be sought. How you get him to do that I don't know. Perhaps you can think of a different sterner tack to take, or maybe there is someone else in his life who might have more luck persuading him.

Assuming he was in need of treatment and it was effective do you think you could remain together? I don't know if his words and actions are just sweet talk or felt deep down, I don't know if his resolutions to do more are defeated by how he feels, or simply just promises.

Questions I'm sure you must have thought about a lot.

My partner and I are chalk and cheese. I read, do not like TV or noise, and have a completely different set of interests to her. She on the other hand revels in music, loves TV and has interests that simply are alien or do not appeal. Yet we have been together and in love for more than 20 years.

I guess in our case we simply love being in proximity, different rooms often, doing different things, but we come together. We'll swap what we see at the movies every week, one week or so a chick flick, then a action film. With consideration it works out.

Can I suggest as a start two priorities? Get you husband to see a GP in an extended consultation, and ensure the GP has an accurate picture of his behavior, and on top maybe a third party to help you both live in contented harmony, maybe a couples councilor?

Do you think this is realistic?

Croix