Married but have had no sex or sexual appetite for over 20 years.

[Mal50]

Hi all, I know it's not normal for a guy to be this way. I haven't desired any form of intimacy with my wife, or anyone else, for more than 20 years. I suspect it's due to my severe depression and anxiety disorder. Should I seek professional counselling? I don't consider it a major problem, but what are your thoughts?

[pipsy]

Hi Mal150. I personally don't consider your lack of wanting intimacy abnormal. I am similar. How does your wife view the situation? If you are concerned Relationships Australia might be able to advise. It could be depression/anxiety, that you fear you are unable to satisfy her needs. If you are on AD's this can often lead to low/non-existent libido too. Have you discussed this with anyone else, Dr, your wife? Do you desire physical contact at all, hugs, kissing? If these are also a no-no, there could be other factors involved. Before I left my hubby, there had been no physical contact for a while, but every situation is different. Ask your wife how she feels, if you feel there is cause for concern, try getting a referral to relationships Australia, ask Dr about any treatment available.

Lynda.

[Mal50]

Hi pipsy, just the thought of any sort of intimacy eg. hugs, kisses, holding hands etc. makes me cringe. And any type of sexual engagement makes me feel physically sick. Fortunately my wife neither desires or asks for sex, greatly to my relief. I suspect that in my case it is a psychological thing.

[Mal50]

...even if I'm watching a movie or something and a couple start getting intimate I think "Ahh hell!!! Just get it over with!!!" LOL

[pipsy]

Hi Mal. Can I ask if anything major happened to cause these feelings? Often if we're sexually abused, it can lead to a feeling of being revolted by the sight of our own body or any other body for that matter. If you were victimised in some way early in your life, were you counselled to help you get through it? I was an incest victim, however, I did manage to work through it. It happened before counselling was available, I was very young. Do you have children, if you do and these feelings escalated after they came along, perhaps you felt duty-bound to produce children even though the thought of sex repulsed you. Sex between couples can be beautiful, provided they both feel the same way. If you are concerned I strongly advise you to get some help through your Dr or relationships Australia. If, on the other hand, you're not too concerned and you and your wife are happy as you are, then there's no need to get any sort of help. Most of what you see re: intimacy between couples on t.v or in movies is fake anyway. If you bother watching, you'll note: there's hardly a hair out of place, no perspiring, nothing. A lot of the 'couples' actually don't really enjoy the supposed 'lovemaking'.

Lynda.

[Mal50]

Hi pipsy, (quote) Do you have children, if you do and these feelings escalated after they came along, perhaps you felt duty-bound to produce children even though the thought of sex repulsed you. (Unquote). Bingo! You hit the nail on the head there Pipsy. Yes I was repeatedly abused as a child and spoke briefly of these encounters to a counsellor, but never went into depth on the matter. I'm very reluctant to go there, and the counsellor was aware of this.

[pipsy]

Hi Mal. How would you feel about talking to the adult sexual survivors helpline. If you're not comfortable, that's fine. It would be totally different to talking about everyday problems. Sexual survivors are people like you and me who have been abused as children. Emotional/physical scarring for this sort of abuse stays there unless you are willing to accept help to get past your feelings of self disgust/repulsion. Talking about sexual abuse can be excruciatingly painful, locking it up and throwing the key away is acceptable, but the pain and shame from the abuse stays there if it was never addressed. If your wife is unaware or won't talk about it, you can still get help, anonymously. One thing here, you are not to blame for what happened. Sexual abuse is because the abuser used power to make you submit. The victim often self blames because they are brainwashed into believing it's their fault. Abusers are excellent at blaming their victims. Try asking your wife (casually) her views re: sexual abuse? If she answers that it is possibly the victim to blame, don't get angry/hurt. She possibly doesn't understand how abusers work if she's never been a victim. If you still wish to pursue getting help, I would contact the abuse line I mentioned and talk it through with someone trained to deal with this sort of abuse. Please, please don't blame yourself, you're not to blame, your abuser is responsible. My abuser was my brother.

Lynda.

[Neil_1]

Hi Mal

Just thought I’d stop by and post.

I’m really sorry to hear what happened to you as a child – it irks me so much that there are mongrels out there who have done this to children. I have not suffered from this, but it makes me so angry when I hear about it and for me, I really want these animals to get their just desserts. It matters not one bit that it happened so many years ago; you and all the other lovely people who’ve had to live through these tortures are hardly ever going to forget what happened and therefore you’ve had to live all your life since then with this.

And as Lynda said, you are not to blame for this – it was never your fault – I hope you’re at a stage where you’re able to understand that.

With regard as to what’s been happening for so long now for you, I’m just wondering, whether your wife knows of your past? Maybe you haven’t felt comfortable in telling her and that’s something that’s totally up to you.

You mentioned “is this a major problem?” In the situation you’ve described, I would not consider it to be a problem at all. I read where you’ve got severe depression and anxiety disorder – so for those two, you’ve obviously been diagnosed by your GP. Stemming from that, are you on any medication to help alleviate those symptoms somewhat? If yes, oftentimes some of the side-effects of these meds will be a reduction in our sex drive, which combined with what happened to you, would make it even more evident that you are not interested in seeking out sexual relations or intimacy with your wife.

But as I’ve touched on, as you have also, if you and your wife are both ok with this, then I think there IS no problem.

I think it’s just a matter for you to keep on focussing on your depression and anxiety disorder and to continue doing everything in your power to combat those issues.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Mal50]

Thank you Lynda and Neil so much for taking the time to respond to my post.

[Egg_Head]

Hi mal, I don’t think you’re an orphan in this matter. My
wife and I haven’t been intimate for over two years now. My wife suffered from
severe pain when we had sex so we put a hold on it until it was sorted. The
fact the medication I take limits my libido makes it all not that important to
us. We hold hands, hug, kiss and cuddle at night so we’re happy. Don’t worry
about what you don’t do and think about what you can do.