Marriage breakup + kids

[dl23]

Hi

So my wife and I met in high school and have been together for 24 years, married for 14 years. Over the past 8 years or so (after second child, now 😎 was born, we have had some ups and downs. I would just sometimes have a go at her about random stuff; money, clothes or food. Then she would try and talk to me and I was too pigheaded and wouldn't really listen.

Now the time has come where she has had enough and wants to sell our new and amazing house, separate into smaller houses/units and rent. We share the custody of our two kids. I am really scared about telling the kids and don't think I can be there for that process. They will be devastated.

I have been trying to say sorry to my wife via emails, text, chatting, video montages and poems but she tells me to stop and that she doesn't love me anymore. She said as I keep hassling her about getting back together, she doesn't even like me and the thought of talking to me or seeing me makes her physically ill. She also said that because I am making her angry, the shared custody will be so much harder.

I have been trying to show her over the past few weeks the new me. I have been calm, positive (as best I can in this situation) and more composed. I would sometimes shout at the kids for being silly but now I use a calm voice always (even when they test my patience).

I haven't been sleeping much and not eating hardly at all for 5 days (lost 4.5kg), due to being nauseous and anxious.

We have just communicated over email and she doesn't even want me to talk to her anymore or make dinner or hot drinks. I responded with I would like to keep doing it. I told her I still love her and apologise a lot for making her angry, when that is not my intention.

I am really scared of not being with her anymore and not living her. I love her so much, even when she verbally attacks me and says she doesn't love me anymore.

I can't rely on my parents as they are away and my wife and my parents never really got along. They kind of caused a lot of the tension and some of the reasons we fought.

How am I going to get through this?

[dl23]

She said she "isn't" gonna take more than her share from the asset pool and that any more money made from the house will be used to pay off any loans (I assume the pool as she mentioned before and the smaller debts we have).

[Guest909]

Hi Dl

She said she "isn't" gonna take more than her share from the asset pool and that any more money made from the house will be used to pay off any loans (I assume the pool as she mentioned before and the smaller debts we have).

I think your ex is putting the cart before the horse again.

When the house is sold, the money is used to payout joint debt (home loan, pool loan and possibly other marital debts) first. If there is anything left over, that will be shared. It is illogical for anyone to take their fair share prior to paying out marital debt.

You could put the house on the market now, but you run the risk of selling it without an agreement in place. I can see the pros and cons. What did your lawyer say about selling the house?

Cheers

Paul

[ecomama]

dl23 said:She said she "isn't" gonna take more than her share from the asset pool and that any more money made from the house will be used to pay off any loans (I assume the pool as she mentioned before and the smaller debts we have).

Hi dl23

You said you don't trust her.... I wouldn't trust anything she said.

Even her wording is concerning.

For you both to sell the house now... NOTHING is guaranteed.
Wouldn't matter how many emails you had from exW promising anything, she can literally take the money and run and it can get extremely difficult to impossible to get her lumped with 50% debt of eg the pool loan.
She can simply say "I've got no money" and drag things out for years...

The only way you can get close to a guarantee that 50% debts will indeed be paid out is IF Lawyers are involved AND the proceeds from the Sale of the house are put into TRUST.

THEN the debts are paid out from proceeds upon two signatures etc....

Absolutely "cart before the horse".

You can take the next biggest gamble of your life and you know how the last one panned out...

OR you can take the smart and sensible road to do ALL you can to make this happen.

You've had Legal Advice along the way.
You have us here guiding you from our own experiences and suggesting you seek more legal advice lol...

If you get dragged along in exW river, it won't end well.

Now is not the time to lose your head over the situation.

Mediation is the "light" stuff... nothing agreed to in Mediation is written in stone.
Sure you may think it's rugged and tough going, but it's LIGHT compared to Courts and Lawyers getting involved.

Getting a signed BFA and Parenting Orders is your primary aim.

Without these, it's Rafferty's Rules.

Good luck.

EM

[dl23]

Hi Everyone

Hope you all are well.

So mediation got postponed tomorrow to 3 weeks from now due mediator being unwell. How very frustrating.

ExW then got the info from mediation centre and messaged me asking what are we supposed to do with the kids. I said one can stay home and we book in youngest into daycare. No response. Property mediation booked for 30/12.

I need to get out. I hate it here. Want my space and my life back.

I was going to book a lawyer appt tomorrow but he is in court. He returned my call and gave me advice on phone and even said I could text questions to him for answering in the morning.

I asked if I can sell house now and sort out property settlement later through mediation and he said yes. But a trust account with both names needs to be setup so money can't be touched or moved. Would I just use a conveyancer for that?

He asked if I received the certificate from parenting mediation and I said no as we were meant to have second session tomorrow. He said we/he can't do much in terms of moving out (I said I want to get out) without having the certificate. I didn't really follow what he was saying.

So I'm thinking of emailing exW and saying we need to setup a trust account for sale proceeds of house before the house goes on the market. I need to speed things up. The proceeds of the house won't be touched until we reach an agreement with property.

I have to ring bank in the morning to find out what's happening with our mortgage and the fact the mortgage hasn't been covered for last 2 fortnights. I haven't received any correspondence at all from them.

Let me know your thoughts.

Thanks

dl23

[dl23]

I have no idea who I contact to setup a trust account for the proceeds from the sale of the house.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

dl23

[Guest909]

Hi dl

I can understand your frustration. Little in family law is straight forward.

Can I start by saying that if you do decide to sell the house now, you will still have the same problem with child care.

In regard to selling the house, I agree with your lawyer. The decision to sell, or not to sell, is up to you; we both know what your wife wants. There is no right or wrong decision here.

In NSW, the conveyancer holds the proceeds of sale in a trust account. I imagine it is the same in WA. Once you and your ex agree on a conveyancer, tell the conveyancer and sales agent that the sale is due to divorce, and that two signatures will be required to release money held in trust. If the house title is in both names, this will most likely be the default arrangement anyway. You don't need a lawyer to do this; you can do it yourself.

When you have a valid BFA (or consent order), the money in the trust account can be disbursed. If the house sells quickly, the money will sitting in trust until you do have a BFA or consent orders.

Notwithstanding the above, if you move out prior to selling, you may be creating a "rod for your back". When you walk out the door, your ex will have exclusive occupancy of the house. You may lose access to your kids until you have a parenting plan in place, and your wife may delay settlement indefinitely. This is what my ex did. She had sole occupancy of the house and was not the least bit interested in engaging in mediation. I had to start expensive, time consuming court action to get her out of the house. You don't want to go down that track.

By all means, put the house on the market, if that is what you want, but don't move out until it sells.

By the way, the housing market is red hot in the ACT and SE Qld at the moment. Your house may sell quicker than you think.

Cheers

[Guest909]

When you get around to selling the house you will need a real-estate agent and a conveyancer.

Before an agent can sell the house, s/he will need a "Marketing Contract" from your conveyancer. You are free to select any agent or conveyancer that you like. Most people select an agent first, and then ask the agent to recommend a conveyancer. If you know a conveyancer, then by all means, use them.

Both the agent and conveyancer will automatically set up a trust account in your joint names. You don't have to do anything, it is standard practice; no lawyers required.

To be sure, to be sure, tell the agent and conveyancer that the sale is due to a divorce and that both trust accounts will require two signature to release the money. Once again no lawyers are required.

Given that the house is encumbered, the bank will also be involved. Your conveyancer will guide you through the process; that is their job.

I hope this helps.

[ecomama]

HI dl23

I'm concerned about all this backfiring on you, even though I understand your frustration - I REALLY do.

I understand by owning & selling property with my brother previously that selling can be quite straight forward (compared to the enmeshment of Lawyers and Courts yuck!)... but with our experience, there was a great deal of trust and transparency between us both ways.

I'm just not sure how well it'll go for you because I don't have a crystal ball.

SO because of no one trusting exW, it's YOU who has to really steer all this.

Absolutely TELL everyone that this is a Family Law case due to separation and divorce.

You ALSO need to have every detail of all debts - esp those in your sole name - written down the line with the lending institutions, account numbers, balances etc etc VERY transparent.

THEN the pool loan goes from Trust monies and any other debts. If you BOTH agree (troubled waters there...)...

IDK if a Conveyancer can split remaining monies in any other way except for 50/50, so this could go your way, as I believe exW wants MORE than 50%.

I'd get sturdy legal advice from a Lawyer you trust.

Best of luck
EM

[Guest909]

Hi Guys

"IDK if a Conveyancer can split remaining monies in any other way except for 50/50, so this could go your way, as I believe exW wants MORE than 50%."

This is not an issue. I am currently going down this road with the sale of my home.

I have informed my conveyancer that the money from the sale of my house is to sit in trust until she is served with a joint letter of disbursement, from my ex and I. My conveyancer also knows that the funds are to be disbursed in accordance with court consent order. I did not require a lawyer to do this.

Dl, you can do the same. Tell your conveyance that the money from the sale of the house is to sit in trust until s/he receives a joint letter to release the money. When you have a BFA or court orders in place, you can ask your lawyer to draw up a joint letter of disbursement to serve on the conveyancer. The money from the sale of the house will sit in trust until the letter is served on the conveyancer. You will need a lawyer to sign off on the BFA or to draw up consent orders anyway.

To be sure, to be sure, have a talk to your lawyer first.

[dl23]

Hi All

Hope is well with everyone.

So the latest...

I emailed exW about putting house on market and to be expected, I got the type of response I expected.

She had a go at me for not agreeing to do this for last 6 months. *My response will be that I don't trust her and I've been following the correct process, not hers.

I said we need a conveyancer for trust account and she said we don't. We just need real estate agent to help setup a dual signature account.

She said my 2 days: 2 days: 5 days: 5 days roster is nuts ans shows we'll never agree. She said I'm not thinking of the boys and being disruptive and malicious as possible. *My response will be house will go on market when parenting mediation or family court is sorted. I will tell her that I'm not the one wanting more than 50% share and splitting the weekends- which means splitting the sports on Sat and Sun. This also doesnt allow me to take boys away. And to tell her I actually like going to places with them and doing social things together. I'm telling her that she has been the malicious and disrespectful one for last 6 months. I haven't. So don't start. I will tell her there is flexibility in the roster if kids aren't coping.

She mentioned we therefore cannot wait for mediation. House on market now. *I will respond - I will not sign anything until parenting is sorted. (Telling her ro refer to my first comment about not trusting her.)

Just had enough of being silent and being bullied.

Let me know what you think.

Thanks

dl23