Marriage breakdown

[spigalmo]

I am 32F married to a 33F for 5.5years, together for 12. We share 2 young boys, 4 & 2. My own mental health has been spiralling for some time now, but this has come to a real head recently. My wife and I recently witnessed a traumatic event with two close friends of ours which brought to the surface a lot of triggers for both of us. Not to say that this event is the sole cause of our relationship breakdown, but it has certainly served as something of a catalyst over the past few weeks. 

My wife and I have quite different coping mechanisms - I typically prefer to talk things out (the pursuer) while she tends to withdraw and need space to process how she’s feeling (the distancer). I guess this all came to a head because I was feeling really unsupported and alone, and as a result was kind of pushing her to talk to me which was only serving to further make her need more space. 

On Tuesday, I had a friend message me (who knew how much I was struggling) to say that if I needed some space and to not come home from work straight away, that she could help my wife out with the kids that night so that I could have some time on my own to think and process how I’ve been feeling. I ended up messaging that friend just saying “just take care of them for me okay” - which in hindsight, I know that that message paired with my poor mental health would have read in the worst possible way. 

Cue an onslaught of messages and phone calls from friends, family, and colleagues. I think I had about 40 missed calls. I was truly spiralling and feeling really overwhelmed and suffocated. I know that I worried a lot of people, and that the barrage of calls and texts was purely out of concern for my safety. I did end up messaging my wife telling her where I was, and about 20 minutes later my sister and her husband arrived. I really wasn’t in a good space, and they took me to the hospital. I was assessed by a mental health nurse who deemed that yes I was definitely in a mental health crisis, but that I wasn’t an immediate threat to myself or anyone else. A referral was made to a mental health team, and I was allowed to leave. I spent the night at my sisters house. 

Since then, we’ve had a lot of really good discussions but she has indicated that she wants to spend some time apart to clear her head. For her, this looks like a 4-6 week “break”. I 100% support and respect that decision, as much as it hurts me. I just don’t really know where to go from here. Can I save my marriage?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest_77659770, We can hear you’re feeling overwhelmed both in life and in your relationship, this is a lot to cope with all at once. We’re so sorry you’re feeling this way, but want you to know that by posting here, and sharing your story with our community, you’ve already taken an enormous step and shown such bravery and strength. If you did want to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their website. It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.  Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the words of our lovely community members brings you some comfort through this difficult time. Kind regards, Sophie M

[therising]

Hi spigalmo

I feel for you so much, with so many challenges all rolled into one for you. While you face a number of preexisting challenges, new challenges have also come into play. I can only imagine how overwhelming this must feel.

Through my own experience over the years, I'd have to say one of the greatest revelations that's come to serve me is 'I will always need a guide under certain circumstances'. Under basic circumstances there may be no need for guidance of any kind. Under challenging circumstances, I tend to look for inner guidance. Whether that's about tapping into my inner sage, the financial manager in me, the analyst in me or something else, I tend to meditate on certain challenges by tapping into aspects of myself that come to serve me. Then there are extreme or overwhelming circumstances which call for external guidance. The question becomes 'What kind of guide do I need, under the circumstances?'.

Personally, I found a marriage counselor who was a brilliant guide in my life, as she helped put so much into perspective for me. This is going back some years in a 22 year marriage that's still continuing today in some form. I actually ended up going on my own, as my husband didn't want to go. I got so much out of it as the counselor led me to understand what a healthy relationship looks like, not just with my husband but with myself too. How we serve or lead our self to evolve in a relationship, in constructive ways, is just as important as how we serve or lead our partner to evolve in the relationship. Then there's how to serve or develop the relationship itself.

I've received a variety of guidance over the years: Financial, marital, psychological, medical, soulful and so on and it's typically been under extreme or overwhelming circumstances. Whether the guidance I've needed has come from friends, family or professionals, the challenge as always been to pick the best person or people for the job. Like yourself, I'm the person in my marriage who likes to work things out and my husband's the one who prefers not to feel certain challenges or emotions that need facing. Took me a long time to realise my husband is not the best guide for me when it comes to working certain things out. While this is not a problem at times, at other times it's caused great hardship. When you're dealing with incredibly challenging or depressing elements or stressful or soul destroying elements, it definitely becomes a problem.

Sounds like recent events have finally tipped the scales in the marriage, with one more weight or that proverbial straw. While things have been tolerable for you both, even if it's just tolerable, I've found it's what becomes intolerable that forces our hand when it comes to making much needed changes. Who do you feel would be the best kind of guide for you when it comes to addressing how to evolve from here?

[spigalmo]

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for your kind and considered response. At this point, I am engaging in a program that provides wrap around supports (mental health nurses, psychotherapists, wellbeing workers, peer supports) which I think will be hugely beneficial for me. I would really love to work with a marriage counsellor with my wife to try to address the issues in our relationship and try to forge a path forward, but I don’t think she’s ready for that yet. I hadn’t considered that this might be something I could engage in individually until such a time where she (hopefully) is ready to come to the party on it. 

I’m hearing her concerns - she feels like I manipulate her and isolate her to elicit the response from her that I want. I hadn’t considered that before, but I’ve done some self reflecting and I can definitely see those traits within myself and I think they stem from past trauma and insecurities. Not that I think that those actions are “okay”, but I think they explain them a little bit. 

I'm just not really sure where to go from here. I feel like I’m standing in front of her, telling her I love her and that I’m committed to making changes to save our relationship. That I hear her, I respect her, I want to be the best spouse I can be. And all I’m getting is “at this point I don’t even know if I want to try”. I don’t expect her to have all the answers right now, or any answers really. I just want a commitment from her that she’s willing to try. 

[therising]

Hi spigalmo

Sounds like you've got a lot of good guides in place all working together at this point, friends and professionals. Sophie's also suggested a couple here that may come to be of benefit, either now or some time in the future.

I smile when I say I've come to be a sort of collector of good guides, ones whose paths I've crossed over the years. They're my 'go to' people for different challenges. I suppose this comes from the benefit of experience, being able to sift out the good ones from the not so good ones. One of the most significant things I've learned about my mental health while being someone who's sensitive, I can feel or sense the really excellent guides compared to the ones who make no difference. I think we gotta learn to trust what we sense at times. You know the best guides when you can feel their impact, from slight all the way through to great impact.

Sounds like you're really beginning to wake up or become more conscious of a lot of things. In my opinion, a sudden rise in consciousness heralds the beginning of significant change. While there have been times where I've been led to wonder whether to continue with my marriage on certain occasions over the years, I always wish I'd hear from my husband 'I've suddenly become more conscious'. While I've heard him say 'I'm sorry' or 'I try to be more conscious', I don't feel any sense of hope in those words. While I appreciate them because I know he means well and he really does intend to try, it typically ends the same way...the change doesn't last. I think sometimes it's about how we feel someone's words and intentions. If a partner's words reflect a genuine and significant mind altering and life changing rise in consciousness, this is something that can be felt. One of the things I've begged from my husband is that he simply begin to wonder more at times. While I've asked him in the past why he thinks, behaves or feels the way he does on occasion, he flat out refuses to wonder. His typical response is 'I don't know', before there's no choice but to move on without any sense of progress. Spigalmo, you have wondered and have become more conscious of trauma and insecurities which may lay at the heart of certain matters and this is great progress, a significant rise in consciousness. Amazing progress is something your wife may need to feel, as she tries to gain a sense of the best way forward. I've found hope tends to be the result of amazing progress.