Marriage after betrayal and conception stress

[Advicerequest]

Has anyone successfully recovered after a betrayal? My husband was sexting with a colleague, apparently it was only the one time, which they both confirmed when asking immediately when I found out, I checked with her first before she could discuss anything with him. This was two months ago and every now and then I get overwhelmingly insecure and his response just feels like he doesn't care, I feel pethetic and should just get over it. But I just want to ask him to show me his phone. We had a couple of councelling sessions and they said we're good, we are a strong couple and he's not a repeat offender. But I just have one of those days today where I can't sleep, I can't get it out of my head and feel overwhelmed. At the time when I asked what happened to trigger it, he said I called him fat. I have absolutely no recollection of ever saying that about him, and it's just not something I think. I asked if it could have been misinterpreted but he said no, you called me fat. I have so much guilt and agnst about this. People say it's not you but in this case it is, it was me, it is my fault that my husband cheated on me, I caused it. I'm really struggling to get over the regret. I completely stopped drinking just in case I said it whilst drunk. He said he would stop drinking as it happened when he was drunk. But he hasn't. I feel like I'm putting in the effort and he isn't. He has focused on one thing which is saying I love you. I'm going to sound picky but it's usually just a mutter under his breathe, but it'll have to do.
Secondly we've been trying to fall pregnant for almost 2 years. Again I feel I'm making the sacrifices and he isn't commiting. I get that guys tend to focus on only one thing and think that's enough.
I suppose I just needed to let that off my chest, but wondering if there is success after cheating. I know normal is out the window but I just want the pain and worry to stop.

[geoff]

Hello Advicerequest, a warm welcome to the site.

I don't necessarily believe it was your fault, simply because people don't send 'sexting' messages to a colleague unless an attraction has been formed, one way or another over a period of time, maybe this was the time when he has been caught out and didn't cover his tracks.

If he definitely regretted doing it, then he would be telling and showing you that he did love you, especially when you're trying to have a baby, but you can't be sure what he texts under the influence of alcohol and may then erase.

If my wife had been doing this with a workmate, I would have serious questions she'd had to answer, betrayal doesn't stop with one person and maybe a continual problem, I'm sorry to say, however, there are ways to overcome this if you decide.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest_3256]

Hi there.

I agree with Geoff and would like to extend on that a little bit more. I want you to know that you are only human in how you feel, it's totally normal, however, I do believe that sometimes both partners can lose track of what brought them together in the first place.

Sometimes things happen and we get lost in what ever we are doing. His bad behaviour and infidelity is no reflection to you, he chose to make that happen. Now, in saying this, you need to lay out your boundaries so that you can get something out of this relationship. It's two-way so it's best to be open to him about how you feel, meaning that he needs to understand your boundaries, that since he has been with someone he is not entitled too, that for you to work through [his mess], not yours and for you to be able to trust him (due to his inappropriate bad behaviour), that he allows you to access his telephonic device.

Some people might disagree, however, if he cares for your health and loves you, he will be more than happy to share access to his device (without hesitation) because he will do anything to earn your trust. If he refuses, you can be the judge of that.

Truth is everything and trust needs to be worked on by him. Do not devalue yourself because of how his bad behaviour has made you feel - that's his issue and you do not deserve to hold on to his mistakes/actions.

Give yourself compassion, stay strong and know that he can resolve his issues but he must acknowledge your boundaries. Also, you have a right to terminate him from your relationship if you need space and remember, he behaved badly, not you.

[Jennk]

Hi. I am having same issues after 30 years of marriage. My soul mate now treats me like I don’t exist when once I was his queen. I took it so badly for months and as of yesterday I had an epiphany haha this guy had bad depression now he’s in a self destructive trip. Then I started to feel sry for him even after he betrayed me to the core. It somehow empowers you knowing where that first, it’s definitely not your fault. Secondly you have the power to make up your own mind whether to stay or go, not his decision. Hope that makes sense ???