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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Kaleidoscope Eyes Confused
  • replies: 1

Married young. Grown up children. Two weeks after a significant anniversary and weekend away, my husband had sex with a prostitute and then started visiting hook up sites. I found out by accident. Other surprises he has had a porn addiction since a t... View more

Married young. Grown up children. Two weeks after a significant anniversary and weekend away, my husband had sex with a prostitute and then started visiting hook up sites. I found out by accident. Other surprises he has had a porn addiction since a teenager and has been pleasuring himself almost daily while watching. Our marriage was not in a great place before this and we were more like room mates. We both want to stay together. He has given me complete access to his phone. He tells me that he had withdrawn from the websites about a week before when he realised what he was doing and that is true from his records. He says it was a mistake and he will never hurt me again. He is trying really hard to make it up to me and asked me to remarry him. I am having trouble with dealing with all of this and have many questions. We have spoken about what happened. I know he is sincere in his apologies. My concern is that when I asked him about stopping at first he said it was because they wanted money and that they were all a rip off. That if he did that I would find out and get hurt. I am confused did he do it because he loves me or because he had to pay. I worry that if it was free he would have continued on. He won't discuss it fully with me and says we have to move on. It happened about two months ago but it is still haunting me and I feel sick sometimes wondering.

JoannaJay Anyone here have a controlling spouse?.
  • replies: 6

Hi, i am new,but have found the courage to answer a couple of posts,so here is my situation as discreetly as possible. My husband is both financially controlling and also very critical and often quite nasty towards me. He wasn’t like this in the earl... View more

Hi, i am new,but have found the courage to answer a couple of posts,so here is my situation as discreetly as possible. My husband is both financially controlling and also very critical and often quite nasty towards me. He wasn’t like this in the early days when I first met him,although he lived with his mother and also had friends who gave him meals etc. so never really had to care for himself,nor had he been married before. He,has super in the bank in a joint account I can’t access, he got a large inheritance,and ,he is also on pension which the accountant got for him,as his micro business is not viable by their reckoning. Meanwhile I am on the spouse aged pension,have to pay all my own food,clothing,medical (Clinic doesn’t bulk bill) and I have chronic conditions needing constant visits and multiple medications. I pay for my own dental,optical (have macular so need special glasses),pay half of pet vaccinations and recent surgery,and the list goes on. I have to pay $100 of towards utilities too. Needless to say out of $700 of I am struggling and paying off a credit card debt.He gives me nothing,no present for Xmas,just complaints,he isn’t affectionate,I don’t get even a hug or a kiss. I have seen numerous Counselling services,financial legal service,even a solicitor (more money I don’t have) who has suggested I now see a mediator,which cost money. My husband came to a marriage counsellor once, I had to pay for sessions,when it came time to see her as a couple,he hit the roof and said it was a waste of his time. I am elderly and have no family apart from a disabled sister. I don’t know where to turn to next Divorce is going to have to be very carefully considered,as he could lose everything,and I might be worse off also. Recently after a day of picking fault ,I had a week of severe depression,where I was suicidal,wanted to just vanish,felt like self harming and had no joy in life at all ,at least I am well over that,as had depression,anxiety since very early childhood,was hospitalised on a couple of occasions and seen a few psychiatrists in the past. I just wish there was one person in the medical profession who could set up a meeting with a social worker or someone,who won’t give me the run around,as I can’t face having to go through all the unpleasant details again and again.

Linkala I want marriage/kids, he doesn't. Can this be resolved? *Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts*
  • replies: 3

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating during a difficult period in my life, difficult enough that I was getting my affairs in order and planning to kill myself. I knew from the start that he hates marriage and kids, but it di... View more

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We started dating during a difficult period in my life, difficult enough that I was getting my affairs in order and planning to kill myself. I knew from the start that he hates marriage and kids, but it didn't matter at the time because A) I'd been told that I'd never be able to have children. B) I couldn't forsee either of us developing deeper feelings for each other, and C) I didn't plan on being around long enough for it to become an issue. Then we developed deeper feelings for each other anyway. He supported me in ways I'd never had before, helped me get in contact with doctors and stuck with me while I trialled new medications. I abandoned my plan to suicide, not everything was perfect but I was happier than I'd ever been. I've talked to him about the idea of getting married on multiple occassions, and his attitude is always along the line of "Why bother? We'll probably just end up divorced. We could even fall out of love tomorrow". It's hurtful to hear that he has so little faith in our relationship, and I feel guilty asking for more after all the support he's given me, so I've tried to keep it to myself. Then about 2 months ago I went to a new ObGyn and he saw evidence in my scans that indicate my original diagnosis of infertility may have been wrong. I was told to take a course of medications until April, which is when I'll have more tests and he'll determine whether I can have kids or not. So now there's a chance that I'll be told kids are an option again, which is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to worry about it right now, and that he'll try to re-think his stance on children after I've been told one way or the other, but he's also says that he hopes my infertility is irreversable. Whatever the doctor may say in April this whole issue has made me doubt our relationship. I love him more than I'd ever thought possible, we live together, spend every day with one another, share the same interests, etc. But he still operates on the mind-set that we could fall out of love at the drop of a hat and prefers that I stay infertile, which is hurtful on innumerable levels. I have no idea how to talk this through with him, or if it's something that we can resolve at all.

Belladame Hi would love some insight into my situation
  • replies: 6

Ok so this is my very first post, firstly, I’d like to say, well done and much love to everyone here living the struggle. I’ve been off illegal substances since before March last year. I had been a solid 25 year user and suddenly started having anxie... View more

Ok so this is my very first post, firstly, I’d like to say, well done and much love to everyone here living the struggle. I’ve been off illegal substances since before March last year. I had been a solid 25 year user and suddenly started having anxiety because the gear I was getting was causing me to have severe reactions of heart pounding, headaches, etc... even from different sources, so it was more my high level anxiety which made me stop. ive always been one of these, “functioning addicts” although that term bothers me. I prefer the term, “passing as a straight head” since i hadn’t raised any red flags with dhs, the schools, kinder, other parents, etc. My kids have always had everything they want and more and I pride myself on being a present parent despite my internally and financially debilitating drug addictions. So fast forward to now, i am doing HIIT boot camps every 2 days, I quit smoking in November and I’m trying my best to eat healthy and be a better influence towards my kids and most of all, be alive for them for the future. The main problem is my partner still uses(probably once/twice a week, which is better than everyday like before) and drinks beer everyday and smokes. If I wasn’t “making him stop” he wouldn’t do it otherwise, I’m trying to be supportive and patient and the money thing really gets to me now because I see what $200 can buy instead of drug use. can anyone pls help me with advice, he’s my children’s father and I wouldn’t want to leave him but what is the point that you can’t keep going when they don’t make any effort to want to change???

Meeksu Long-Distance during Covid- It's getting rough!
  • replies: 2

Howdy, I'll try to be brief! I met a lovely man in Feb 2020 right before the pandemic was announced. He was in Australia on holiday from the UK. We hit it off instantly. We spent time together while he was here, and he went home when his holiday was ... View more

Howdy, I'll try to be brief! I met a lovely man in Feb 2020 right before the pandemic was announced. He was in Australia on holiday from the UK. We hit it off instantly. We spent time together while he was here, and he went home when his holiday was up. We planned to meet up in the UK in June 2020, but of course that was made impossible. We have tried to keep in contact through everything that has been happening, but it's very difficult. He secured a job in my city, and we've been waiting for months for the green light for him to get on a plane. It has been hell being on my own for a year (I don't live near family or friends) and with things the way they are in the UK right now, I feel helpless and distressed. My partner's close friend passed away today from covid, and I just want to be there for him...there is only a limited amount of things I can do from across the ocean. Is anyone else doing long distance at the moment? And does anyone know who I can call for information regarding travel or updates on when he might be able to get into the country/ speed that up? I study counselling, have been in therapy for 10 years to remedy my BPD symptoms, and sometimes I still feel like I've run out of options to cope! I'm very much an 'action' person, so when I feel there is nothing I can do about a situation I tend to become more distressed than usual. Considering the state of the world right now, I think it's rather normal to feel distressed in general. Feel free to share stories, ideas, information about travel, etc. Take care, all.

Molly23 40, Divorce, No Kids, Single AGAIN
  • replies: 6

Hi, I’m new to this forum. At the moment, feeling anxious about to turn 41 this week. I’ve hated Christmas, NY, birthday, etc. for as long as I remember. Putting my best smile in front of family and friends and yet feeling so alone inside. I haven’t ... View more

Hi, I’m new to this forum. At the moment, feeling anxious about to turn 41 this week. I’ve hated Christmas, NY, birthday, etc. for as long as I remember. Putting my best smile in front of family and friends and yet feeling so alone inside. I haven’t been lucky in love but last year, I met someone who made me feel complete. I thought my search was over but after almost a year dating, he saw no future with me. Here I am again single, just like Bridget Jones. I hope one day, I can finally be happy too and don’t have to put on a happy face for everyone and cry when noone is around. I need to find my purpose in life...but it’s so hard when happiness kept being taken away from me. How do you pick yourself up and keep going forward? What’s your secret? I’d love to hear what you have to say.

Yellowflower01 Partners lying about porn
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I recently have started dating a new partner and everything has been going really well. It is becoming more serious since deciding to move in together and combining our families (children from previous relationships). We are both very sexua... View more

Hi there, I recently have started dating a new partner and everything has been going really well. It is becoming more serious since deciding to move in together and combining our families (children from previous relationships). We are both very sexual people and in my previous marriage was not able to be myself and explore my sexual interests, so it has been great for me to do that with my new partner. We have been talking about our fantasies and planning to live most of them out, together as a couple. I have always trusted my partner because he takes so much pride in telling me he never lies and that he hates liars, but recently I have found that he has been lying about watching porn. I am so confused because we have such an open and honest relationship about our sexual desires and needs. The porn he is watching is much the same as the sexual experiences we have been having lately so it is not fulfilling another fantasy that he cannot get or is not getting with me. I wonder why he is needing to lie about it. Does this mean that he is capable of lying about other things? I don’t want my trust for him to go and I have given him many opportunities to tell me the truth. I have never ever given him the idea that it would be a drama if he told me he watched porn. I worry that in the end I won’t be enough for him and that I won’t be able to meet all of his sexual needs. Then will he want to replace me? The only hard rule I have is that he doesn’t have any sexual acts or meetings with another women without me there and consenting to it happening and he has the same hard rule for me as well.

florencefortyeight Break-up advice just does not apply to me.. there is no getting over it.
  • replies: 6

I saw an article from someone who recently ended a twelve-year relationship. The article was called My Breakup was Controlling my Life.. Until I Took These Steps. Seems like a pretty comprehensive guide, right? Unfortunately, though, the article goes... View more

I saw an article from someone who recently ended a twelve-year relationship. The article was called My Breakup was Controlling my Life.. Until I Took These Steps. Seems like a pretty comprehensive guide, right? Unfortunately, though, the article goes into the advice that you always hear. My situation is particularly unique and extreme, so all the stuff that people offer to make me feel better about the situation just makes me feel worse. I'll just take you through the three of the main points of the article. Do love yourself. This makes me so angry. It is very difficult to love yourself when you have no impact on the world around you. I was bullied for nine years as a child, and I didn't have any friends in the years afterwards. I have only had one friend in my life, who I met in 2018, but we lost touch. Partially because I was too much for her. "Self-worth needs to come from ourselves. We can't look to the outside." In my opinion, there is absolutely no meaning in that. Obviously I have things that I like about myself. But what's the point in loving myself when no-one's benefiting from that?!??!?! Without anyone else, there's no proof that I'm not just deluding myself. Do build a support network. "You need to be around people that give you perspective, that give you balance, and allow you to process your emotions in a safe and comfortable way." As I mentioned, if that's the case, then I am screwed. Don't avoid the negative emotions or feelings. "It's normal to experience [feelings of anger, betrayal, jealousy] for a while, but when you experience them for a lengthy period of time, and they get in the way of your daily life, that's when you say you need help to work through this." Is two years a long time? I don't know if there's any point in "working through this." I am safe, but I feel like I am just waiting for the day I break. I give up. ... You know the craziest thing? We were never together. She knew how I felt, but she hurt me. She abandoned me.. and I don't even have a relationship to look back on. I have never been on a date before. I know there is a LOT, a lot of stigma around that, saying that it makes you come across as desperate. This thread just completely lost its structure.

Selim Is it worth waiting for someone who you’re sure about?
  • replies: 3

So I’m dealing with a lot of things which make me quite unhappy including my desire to transition to live as a female and having a crush on someone who I haven talked to in years. Starting off is my crush who I’m not so sure about if she even likes m... View more

So I’m dealing with a lot of things which make me quite unhappy including my desire to transition to live as a female and having a crush on someone who I haven talked to in years. Starting off is my crush who I’m not so sure about if she even likes me and we haven’t talked in years. She is on one of my social media accounts but I tried to add her on Facebook as well but no response. I wanted to initiate a conversation on Facebook with her but even last time about four years ago when I sent her a message she didn’t even respond. I am scared that if I message her on my other social media account that she won’t event respond. the Other problem is my gender identity. Even if she wants to talk to me I am not sure if she wants to be together with me because I want to be a woman. like I’m not sure if her sexuality and am guessing she likes only guys. I haven’t even transitioned yet and this makes me quite unhappy as well due to being unable to afford to pay for the associated costs with preserving my fertility. Now if she wants be with me but I want to transition before that even eventuates, I am going to be unhappy as well because I can’t have kids wir her. should I just try to talk to her and see what happens? I guess I’m just scared about being hurt again because I had other problems with a different girl about 6 years ago which hurt me quite a lot already and both girls are from the same uni that I used to go to as well.

EmmaHopeful Long story - I need perspective domestic abuse?
  • replies: 5

This is my first post and I really need help understanding how I can resolve my situation. Thanks in advance. I have 4 children from my 1st marriage which ended when my youngest was 3 by the time my youngest was 5 I'd married an old friend who I'd re... View more

This is my first post and I really need help understanding how I can resolve my situation. Thanks in advance. I have 4 children from my 1st marriage which ended when my youngest was 3 by the time my youngest was 5 I'd married an old friend who I'd reconnected with. The kids adored him and he was kind and patient, a few months after we got married he lost his temper with one of the kids and was bemused as to why we were all so upset, I parented with mutual respect and the kids had never been spoken to like that (shouting, demanding, authoritarian - as per his own upbringing) - that was my first inkling that parenting with him might be difficult. Over the years he'd loose his temper periodically, I'd intervene and address how what he said could be damaging and that he needed to manage his anger better, he'd always apologise, the kids would accept it and we would all move on. Move forward five years and life was tough (work, financial etc.) and my husbands temper grew worse, our emerging teen daughters would argue constantly and one day he really lost his temper, he held my thirteen year old against a wall with his arm under her chin and punched the wall right next to her head. I said that if anything like that happened again we would leave and that he had to get help for his anger. He did and he has never done anything physical like that again but the temper outbursts, unreasonable expectations as to their behaviour ('do as I say not what I do') and general 'grumpiness' (which really was just a blameless way of saying hostility) led to the kids walking on egg shells and being wary of him. I increasingly grew more passive (my psychologist says learned helplessness) and although I intervened when things got particularly nasty, nothing ever changed and with two more children, a mortgage and a business in common I felt unable to do anything other than mitigate, excuse and counter his behaviour. My 3 eldest have left home, the two oldest boys love my husband as their own Dad but my eldest daughter has disowned us due to my husbands behaviour and my lack of protection. The youngest of the 4 is home still but mentally has a lot of problems which have culminated in a suicide attempt and ongoing self harm (there are other factors too - bullying from peers, her bio father left without a trace, gender dysphoria) for which she is getting the help she needs. Please read first comment with the rest of this, thanks