Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Dumbdom After 27 years of marriage she’s left and I’m gutted
  • replies: 37

My wife and I were married for 27 years, 2 beautiful daughters in their 20’s. My wife works in hospitality, myself construction, both in our 50’s, the relationship has always been a work in progress. She is not a very romantic person, never has been,... View more

My wife and I were married for 27 years, 2 beautiful daughters in their 20’s. My wife works in hospitality, myself construction, both in our 50’s, the relationship has always been a work in progress. She is not a very romantic person, never has been, I guess some of it stems from her upbringing, my upbringing the complete opposite. Sometime ago I was a fly in fly out worker, it lasted 6 months. I was getting home every Friday night and her being out with one of her of her friends at the local watering hole or out with work friend. She would then get up Saturday and go to work, not leaving much time for US time. I should have said something but didn’t and I spiralled downhill feeling worthless, empty, gutted and no self esteem. She gets very into socialising with her work friends, occasionally I was invited sometimes I’d go, sometimes not, when they all get together they talk work, fair enough but I don’t want to hear because that’s all she’s talking at home. She’s been to Bali twice with work people, I haven’t gone, my choice, didn’t want to hear about their work all the time. I was diagnosed with Depression at start of this year, which I’m on medication for and have spoken to Professionals about. I’ve told all my family and friends and received 100% support. She left me because she said we needed time to breathe, I hadn’t been the easiest person to live with I’ll admit that, I did tell her my depression stemmed back to when I was working away and coming home to an empty house and that she ranked well down on her list of priorities, she doesn’t seemed that concerned that her actions bought it on, she says she’s sorry but never made any attempt to rectify it, I think it’s lip service She said she needs her own space, in 8 months that we’ve been separated I’ve had her over to the family home and cooked her dinner, she did say she didn’t want to lead me on, I understand that. I thought we were making some progress. She told me recently that she’s going away in the new year with friends, I said that it hurt because to me that said she wasn’t figuring I’d be in the picture. She then said she doesn’t see us ever getting back together. I feel worthless, gutted, emotionally and physically destroyed, thankfully I’m close and very grateful for the love and support of my daughters, family and friends, they give me reason to get up, it’s a challenge. I just struggle as to why after 27 years she walks away from me

Janus20 Losing the desire to try and make marriage work
  • replies: 3

Hi there, Our marriage has been struggling for well over a year, W says she hasn’t had any feelings for me for several years now. We are both in our forties and have been together since teenagers. Our marriage turned into a routine after kids came al... View more

Hi there, Our marriage has been struggling for well over a year, W says she hasn’t had any feelings for me for several years now. We are both in our forties and have been together since teenagers. Our marriage turned into a routine after kids came along and we never prioritised “us time” for a long time. I believe W took interest in another guy who was showing her attention and was secretly meeting with him last year. When I found out I felt devastated, betrayed, ashamed etc. I tried everything I could to get our marriage back on track. W wanted nothing of it, acted very selfishly for a long time and had no interest in working on the marriage. I went through many ups and downs and said we need to separate throughout the year as I didn’t see that the marriage could work if only one of us was interested. Well, we have both made it this far, definitely not in a perfect position, W has been sleeping in the spare room for a year now, we are amicable and things are better on the day to day, but that is just because we agreed to treat us as though we are just friends and there is no expectations of any quick change. I am still gutted and wish things could progress, but I understand that if she doesn’t feel anything then you can’t push it. For me to be able to live my life without treating W as a companion, it is very confusing and I struggle to remain level in my feelings. I can’t act normally because I would want to give a hug, hold hands or reach over for a kiss, none of that is what I should be doing if I am respecting her wishes of trying to work on a friendship basis first. We have good days every now and again, but then I get knocked back to reality when she goes and spends her time in the spare room and continues to sleep separately. She knows I struggle with this, but just says she is sorry that she is hurting me but she doesn’t know what she wants. She says she has to get over the hurt that I caused her by telling her it was over through the year, and is finding it hard to move forward. The longer this goes, the more I find myself asking why I’m still hanging around. It doesn’t feel that she will ever have feelings for me again, she just wants to be friends. The scary thing is, the longer I live like this, I find myself having less and less feelings for her, it’s hard to keep trying when you don’t feel any love or affection in return. Looking back, there are plenty of things I have put up with that I would want changed if we work things out. Janus

Milly_moos Partner is all for himself/not a team at all
  • replies: 3

Hi All, this is my first time posting but I am really needing advice this time round. I think my partner just doesn’t care about me. Every decision he makes is based solely around himself. There’s no we it’s always I. We have managed to figure out th... View more

Hi All, this is my first time posting but I am really needing advice this time round. I think my partner just doesn’t care about me. Every decision he makes is based solely around himself. There’s no we it’s always I. We have managed to figure out that he needs more space than I do and that’s okay we all have our own needs however I feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of and I have had it. I ordered a bike online and it needed picking up in business hours which I am unable to make due to work. I asked if he could pick it up on his way home (it’s literally down the same main road as his work) and he said no that he didn’t want to. I then took the afternoon off work to be able to pick up my bike and all was well until the bike wouldn’t fit in my car. We only live 10 minutes away so I called my partner asking if he would Uber here and drive my car home whilst I ride the bike home and he said no it’s Friday and im Tired. He then said put your big girl shoes on and sort it out yourself. I ended up getting the bike home with help from a random guy offering to help me but that’s not the issue. The issue is that he couldn’t help me out at all yet he’s been happily using my car for the past 6 months for work. I told him how I felt about the situation once I got Home and he told me I was being selfish thinking that he would drop everything for me. This confuses me so much as I happily help him out when he needs it. This is just one example there are meant more. I just don’t know what to do anymore

Distraught_mum Desperate mum-my son is a reoffender
  • replies: 2

Am not sure if any forums are going to be of help to me but I hope so. My adult son is a chronic reoffender - traffic offences. He will soon be going to court for the third time in his life and is possibly facing a criminal conviction. He reoffended ... View more

Am not sure if any forums are going to be of help to me but I hope so. My adult son is a chronic reoffender - traffic offences. He will soon be going to court for the third time in his life and is possibly facing a criminal conviction. He reoffended mid last year and was given a 12/12 good behaviour bond and then reoffended again early this year hence breaking his bond conditions. I was unaware of any of this until a few weeks ago when I received a call from the mental health unit at the local hospital trying to get in touch with him. He is now not working at all and is on a benefit, he is isolated and lonely. I fear terribly for the court outcome and his future. He had or so I thought put all this stuff behind him and was doing ok with work etc. he has continued to deceive me and not be honest. He says he doesn’t want to worry me with his problems but finding all this out thru a third source is devastating. Our relationship is pretty much me giving and he taking and I don’t know if he knows how to feel love or compassion for other people including me - pretty hurtful when I am really the only support person he has. I am 60 and don’t know if I can continue to give and give and support someone who shows no thanks or appreciation ever. If I cut him off would it make any difference anyway. I have my own health issues and life to lead and just want to be free to live without this constant stress and worry. Anyone out there in the same situation?

BonnieH family (inlaws) and how im perceived and its effects on my marriage
  • replies: 10

hello, im new here and very uncertain and shaky writing things even beginning to cry because i feel that im releasing things that should be my problems noone elses, I should fix them and not burden others. i am having trouble mainly at the moment wit... View more

hello, im new here and very uncertain and shaky writing things even beginning to cry because i feel that im releasing things that should be my problems noone elses, I should fix them and not burden others. i am having trouble mainly at the moment with my partner's family not accepting me and making me feel very abnormal and need to behave in a certain manner around them and if i dont my partner will be very angry later and give me a lecture on my behavior and how its perceived with his family i keep asking myself am i really that bad a person etc. im very scared of family functions and dread them as it seems such an effort to keep tabs on my subject of conversation, my actions and my behaviour and totally act like a different person and by the end of these events i am so very tired, this has been happening for a few years now and ive only just started to become more concerned as recently one evening a family member sent me very inappropriate message i showed my partner as it was his family and he suggested that i encouraged the messages/behaviour and i was possibly cheating on him, this is freaking me out even more when around his family as i believe my husband doesnt trust me

veruca_boi Is there a condition that causes someone to not be able to move on from situations? *Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts*
  • replies: 5

Hey guys, My housemate and I have been going through some battles the past 6 years with Council and other bodies, and while it has affected my depression severely (I have considered suicide more times in the past 6 years than I had in the 33 years pr... View more

Hey guys, My housemate and I have been going through some battles the past 6 years with Council and other bodies, and while it has affected my depression severely (I have considered suicide more times in the past 6 years than I had in the 33 years prior), my housemate, who has learning disabilities, is literally unable to move on from what we are going through. I'm ready and willing to just give up the fight and "accept" (for the lack of a better word) the way things are, just to protect my mental health, but my housemate is constantly raising the battles we are going through, and repeating himself multiple times. Every time we get an email about one issue, it opens the floodgates for everything else to be discussed. We are constantly fighting, and are contemplating selling our house to move, because this seems like the only way he can move on. I have suggested that he go see a psychologist to talk about what we are going through, but he doesn't see the point if they can't do anything to change the situation. He might feel better after talking to someone, but nothing will be resolved. He can't accept that the system is not perfect, and wants to fight until things are changed, or issues are resolved. I have asked him "what if things never change, and you never get the answers you want?", to which he has essentially said he will never move on. Is there a condition that my housemate might have, which is causing him to not be able to move on?

Harley81 Step kids driving a big wedge between us
  • replies: 1

I dont know if my relationship is entering its final stages just yet but we are facing some huge obstacles at the moment, mostly surrounded by time spent with his 4 kids and the fact we just never seem to be on the same page. He has 5 kids from a pre... View more

I dont know if my relationship is entering its final stages just yet but we are facing some huge obstacles at the moment, mostly surrounded by time spent with his 4 kids and the fact we just never seem to be on the same page. He has 5 kids from a previous relationship, I have 1 from a previous relationship and we have one together They have not been in our life for the majority of our relationship (4 years) It has only been in the last 12 months they have visited regularly. Since the start of last year, he seems to be putting their needs above anything else. I have tried to be patient and understanding but now a year on I have had enough. I have tried to discuss this with him, talk, make a point of involving each other in decisions about them, and trying to split time between everyone as fair as its hard when we are a family of 8. He just seems hell bent on when he wants to see them, he sees them regardless of what is going on at the time. He made a critical error in the beginning when he left me in a really emotional state to go and pick them up and Im not sure I've recovered ever since. Just after some advice.

JamesT344 My Girlfriend has an eating disorder
  • replies: 5

My girlfriend has an eating disorder and its caused a severe rift between us. She‘s self aware that she isn’t well and has just started seeing someone about it, but I fear it won’t be enough. Her diet alone is bad enough (less than 800 calories, some... View more

My girlfriend has an eating disorder and its caused a severe rift between us. She‘s self aware that she isn’t well and has just started seeing someone about it, but I fear it won’t be enough. Her diet alone is bad enough (less than 800 calories, sometimes as low as 400) but on top of that she exercises 5 days a week doing long runs, and dances full time at a dance school. It makes no sense to me. Before her ‘diet’ she had a body most girls dreamed of- thin waist, toned muscles etc and she ate whatever she wanted. In my eyes she was perfect. She was always happy, always laughing, always was out of the house with her friends or doing something, we never argued, she was very affectionate. Now she’s a completely different person physically and personality wise. She has lost all her muscle, curves everything quite literally just skin and bone. She always looks sad even when she says she isn’t, has a short temper, rarely laughs, has become super stubborn, doesn’t like leaving the house anymore. Her family, friends have all noticed the change. Recently she’s been trying to take it out on me, saying our relationship isn’t the same anymore and that ‘I’M’ the reason for it. She doesn’t understand that it’s the consequences of her eating disorder thats changed her personality making her feel that way. She takes everything I say as a personal attack on her when pre- her ‘diet’ she would always ask and be appreciative of my advice. I’ve told her countless times that isn’t the case and that I just want the best for her but she won’t accept it. To be honest when she had a go at me it made me pretty frustrated. From day 1 of her diet I warned her not to go extreme and the consequences that it could lead to (I have fairly good knowledge of caloric requirements and how to diet since i’m into fitness). I’ve internalised my own unhappiness that her disorder has brought because I wanted the focus to be on her getting better and I didn’t want to make her upset telling her I was unhappy. I can’t type enough to thoroughly explain but some examples are that she no longer has the energy to spend time with me, doesn’t say much and only stays over on rare occasions because she gets anxious when she isn’t in her own bed (at the beginning of our relationship she wanted to stay over ALL the time) This leads me to the position i’m in. I want her to get better so things can be similar to before but I’ve stuck through months of this and can’t take much more.

Billiee Why so vulnerable?
  • replies: 5

Hi All, Feeling vulnerable is a scary thing and we have all felt it multiple times throughout our lives. I strongly believe that it's important to engage in uncomfortable situations as this is the main driver for extensive psychological growth. At th... View more

Hi All, Feeling vulnerable is a scary thing and we have all felt it multiple times throughout our lives. I strongly believe that it's important to engage in uncomfortable situations as this is the main driver for extensive psychological growth. At the moment i'm challenging my thoughts and behaviours for when i'm in a situation of vulnerability as it has been a downfall of mine for many years. For me, feeling vulnerable makes me feel small and i start to lack in confidence and question my judgement which i am not someone whom lacks in confidence, so i am trying to dig deep to find out what the main driver behind these feelings are? I am starting this thread to get some insightful opinions from people who have delved deep into this topic before and to see how others define vulnerability. Any opinions are appreciated and hopefully this thread will help someone else. Billiee

SOS2020 My partner feels too far gone.
  • replies: 3

I fell in love with a man 7 months ago. He has always suffered with mental health issues for as long as he can remember. recently he has gone downhill and has no will to live he feels like he is too far gone for any kind of help. he refuses to seek a... View more

I fell in love with a man 7 months ago. He has always suffered with mental health issues for as long as he can remember. recently he has gone downhill and has no will to live he feels like he is too far gone for any kind of help. he refuses to seek any kind of help because he feels like nothing will work and he will be permanently broken. i’m reaching out to this community to provide support on how I can help him until he is ready to seek help himself. I understand that he can be sanctioned but right now I want to try every other option until I have to resort to that plan. When he says things like he is too far gone or two broken what are some things that I can say or conversation starters I can use to help him talk about what he’s going through? he has lost the ability to open up and talk and this scares me. He stopped taking his antidepressants a week ago because he believes they aren’t helping but he won’t go and seek a doctors opinion. It’s like the old saying you Can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink. please let me know if you’ve been in a position like this and how you have supported a loved one through one of the worst times in their life? I can’t lose this person it’s the kind of love you only find once in a lifetime and I would do anything to help him get better and see life from a different perspective. he isn’t sleeping very well and he is an eating a lot which I know isn’t helping the situation. There’s only so much one person can do. thanks