Maintaining civil relationships after being badly hurt

[CMF]

  I  was divorced with 2 kids then met someone who didnt have kids but always wanted them and still lived at home.  We had a very slow growing relationship, he didn't want to commit completely for several reasons but said wasn't seeing others.he had a ex who still called him every week, he said they still caught up as friends and that she slept over still but nothing between them.  I definitely didn't want to see others, dating is not my thing. he told me yo start as friends then if things progress you officially commit to each other, you actually say it.   our relationship grew, he ever met my kids, didn't think they should be exposed to anything.  he was and still is a commitment phobic. I feel like im rambling, talking all over the place - sorry I have so much on my mind. all of a sudden things just fell into place for us, it was just right and we both knew it without having to say anything, then out of the blue he accused me of infidelity.  I was knocked for six!  I had 2 kids, worked part time and when I wasn;t working was with him.  it was ridiculous.  he refused to believe me I took a week off work to sort this out he badgered and badgered me, I was not going to walk away from him for something I didn't do, then gave me an ultimatum, give him an admission or we cant move forward.  I was so defeated, I couldn't take anymore of his badgering so I made up a story - YES- I gave a FALSE ADMISSION.  but I had no story to back it up so I let him make up the story and I just agreed to whatever he said.  the reasons I gave were valid i.e the the ex girlfriend always ringing etc( but he then denied ever catching up with her), I could have done it but I didn't. I was prepared to wait for the "official commitment" which never came. Funny thing is in my gut I knew he ws going to do something that would ruin us.  we stayted together for another 12 months, neither of us could leave.  he accused me the whole time of infidelity, we fought, we yelled, one day I finally walked away I found something o his phone re his ex I couldbt take it anymore and I walked away.  we didn't speak for a few days then he rang and we saw each other and bang - I'm pregnant!  he wanted the baby but not the relationship - just friends.he accused me the whole pregnancy of seeing someone else- seriously! we have a beautiful girl but I cant forgive him.  I found more on the internet re his ex - an rsvp to a party when we were seeing each other.  he denies going but cant explain it.  so stuck.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi CMF,

Sorry you're not doing so good. My parents have passed to and my sibling lives a long way away. I have hubby so that makes a difference but my friends are very important to me in terms of not being lonely too.

You are still so young. You have plenty of time to meet a new partner and share a life together. I have a few friends in their early 40's who have been single Mum's who have recently found partners. In fact one of my closest friends has 2 children and her partner had 2 children, they got together when she was 40 and they have decided to get married next year 2 years later.

Friends can make a huge difference. While I don't have siblings close by, I have made sime very close friends that I consider family and they are the same. So much so that one of them we invite to our xmas lunches and my kids call them Aunty and Uncle and the other lot invite us to their family xmas along with a huge group of their relatives and they all count us as family. It is a lovely feeling. Friends can make us feel loved and less alone too.

Perhaps you can start a list of goals in life and maybe include allowing yourself the possibility of meeting new friends and new men.

Another option, though I must tell you I am not religious at all, is church and faith. I know people who say they feel more connected and less lonely having the church and faith in their lives. However I can't provide an opinion on this.

I met most of my friends here through the kids going to school. By inviting kids and parents for kids Birthday parties it was a good way to meet new friends. Another option might be through a common interest group or even using social websites like meeting place.

I hope this helps.

Carol x

[CMF]

Thanks Carol,

It's strange because i'm not looking to meet anyone, i'm not really in a position to do so sith 3 kids and the situation with the little ones dad,but I do wish I could met someone.

I do have a small circle of friends but I'm not overly sociable. I do enjoy going to church but havnt been for quite a while as I know the little one wont sit still so I wont get the full benefit from it.

I've read through some of my old posts on different threads and I do see a pattern with my highs and lows. I just re read one from March 12 where I was anxious and depressed, I have been thinking it is all hormonal and started a new thread on this.. I do feel a bit like I've been robbed of being happy,maybe i'm just not meant to have a great relationship. Maybe I am meant to be alone. Who knows. I don't have much to give or offer anyone at the moment, my life is busy with kids and everyday stresses and just coping. I do feel envious when I see happy couples, companions, settled, going through lifes ups and down together.

Oh well, I just try and put on the happy face in public,no one needs to know my business or how I really feel deep down. I do have much to be thankful for so I focus on these things. I do think it's important to focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. some have much less.

Hope you are doing ok. I've popped into the café a few times and it seems no one is around. I've never noticed it so quiet. Haven't seen Sherie around at all either. I know everyone has their own things going on and we all need to take a step back and a break at times, as I did.

cmf x

[Lost_Girl]

Hi CMF,

I can imagine how hard it would be as the kids take up a lot of your time. If you wanted to though there may still be a way to work it if you consider online dating. There are plenty of men happy with women with kids. My brother dated a lady with children. It would have worked too except he had to move with the army and it was too soon for her to pack up her life.

I know there is a complication with the ex but if you're lonely, I would hope he would be mature enough to be ok with you looking for a new companion.

I think you just need to allow yourself to look for love, the only thing stopping you is you. I think you have every reason to believe the right partner is out there. Don't give up.

It's hard being social with kids too. Unless you consider having people at your home. I did this for a while by starting a bookclub.

It occurred to me on reading your response that there is a type of loneliness that can occur when you feel your whole life is revolving around caring for others. Perhaps having something that is all yours may help, a hobby or an online course etc.

Things are a bit of a challenge for me right now with my new pain medication so I haven't used the cafe. Sherie has decided to leave the forums, not sure why.

I'lI try and get back to the cafe soon. I didn't realise it had gotten quiet.

[CMF]

Hi Carol.

Seems some of my posts from yesterday have not gone through. Hope you are having a good day.

cmf

[CMF]

I have a hobby, some crafts that I make and have been wanting to go to a market to sell them. To do this I need him to look after the little one which is ok as he thinks I should really try and get out there and see how it goes. Saturday markets are hard as he works but I have found a Sunday market that gets quite busy. Last week I was trying to decide whether to book or not as the weather was not looking to good and being an outdoor market there is no shelter so it would have ruined everything. This weekend is the same story but I can turn up on the day and hope there are stalls available on the day. This morning I was indecisive , he told me to just book i could see he was getting annoyed but I cant risk the weather as I will not get a refund on the booking. I rang to tellh8im I could take a chance and turn up on the day, he seemed so despondant with me, annoyed, like he is getting sick of it. I know I am creating obstacles but the conditions need to be right. I feel so hurt that he was like that towards me. He is a person who dated girls for 6 or 7 years before deciding they were not for him. He spent hours deciding which white tile to put in a kitchen. He ordered a kitchen and when he went to pick it up spent 3 hours dediding if he wanted the white he ordered or and off white colour while the men at his house were waiting for him so they could install it. After it was installed he thought he may like to change the layout (egged on by his mum I think) after all the work was done. He cannot make decisions, he goes back and forth about the same thing for ever asking everyone, changing his mind every 2 seconds and yet is is getting annoyed wioth me because I cant decode whether to book the market. I'm also not feeling the best which he is well aware of so I think he could cut me a bit of slack. My other worry is that he will not get here on time and I will be late and will miss out as he doesn't seem to understand that I need to be there by 7.30am, not rock up at 8-8.30 like he said. He has let me down like this before so I already don't trust him to be reliable. It seems I can never do something for me. he tells me to just work around the little one. Don't know what that means, it is not up to others to look after her ar 7am but he thinks I can just get someone else to do it. He has no sense of responsibility, never has. He just doesn't get it. But I'm the useless one.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi cmf,

I am so sorry things are so hard to organise. The markets sound like a great opportunity. Do you think you could find a babysitter instead of being dependent on him or drop the child to him at the time you need?

I hope you find a way to make it work. I have a friend who sells things at markets every weekend. She meets lots of people from doing them.

Thinking of you x

[CMF]

Hi Carol,

thx for replying. I read elsewhere you were exhausted, I wasn't expecting yr response, you should be relaxing 😊

The markets are so early i couldn't ask anyone else to look after her. If I drop her off at his house she will scream. He is still at his parents and there is nothing there for her. Also he has no car so they would be stuck there.

Get some rest, I'm sure something will work out.

cmf x

[CMF]

He's just robbed me of my happiness, in every way. I can't believe this is my life sometimes. He was never going to marry, he had long relationships but he's a commitment phobic, that's why they all ended. He says he wanted lots of kids but everything with him is all talk, all these things he always wanted but he was never going actually do them. It's all talk, no action.

sorry, just venting. Been a long, tiring week.

cmf

[Lost_Girl]

Hi cmf,

My hubby got a script filled for me then left the meds and the script in the trolley. He went back and they were gone, he checked everywhere but they were not handed in....so I am at the dr waiting. Therefore....I have time to chat to you and you don't have to feel guilty.

It is an awful position to be in when you thought your future looked one way and it turns out differently and you find yourself without the help you need. You deserve to vent.

While it won't get you out meeting people, have you considered setting up an Etsy store online?

Alternatively you can try a facebook page as a shop but I have a friend who manages one and it can be difficult to start with in getting it out to the right market group.

You might want to look into getting a table at school fairs or local village fairs, these typically start a little later.

Have you considered internet dating where you can organise a lunch time catch up and have a babysitter help out for a few hours? I think you deserve that future you had hoped for. You can still find it. I don't think he's ever going to change.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[CMF]

Hi Carol,

Oh no, hope you weren't in pain without the meds. Yes I agree he will never change. I just spoke with him re the market. He told me to decide in the morning depending on he weather which is fine for me but I pointed out that my concern is him and whether he will be ready by 7am, as always he goes round is circle bringing it back to me an me being ready. I firmly pointed out that I have no problem being ready and that it is always him I need towait for as 5 mins is always an hour. He said if there is no set appointment then it doesn't matter if 5 mins becomes an hour (Idisagree as people shouldn't have to wait when they could be doing other things) and he said whenever he has to come to look afer little miss when I have an appt he is always on time and that he goes to work every morning and is on time. He said I was offensive and that normal people do not talk to others like that blowing things out and putting rubbish like that out into the universe. Well I laughed it off and had himn confirm he would be ready by 7am if I let him know in the morning and he said I was the problem not him. Hahah, cannot take anything criticism whether serious or joking. Anyway it was just typical, my perfect, always right so I guess we will see in the morning, if I decide to go.

cmf