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Lost and don’t know what to do.. marriage

Ollie_l
Community Member
My husband and I have been together 7 years, married 5. It has mostly been turbulent because when I met him he was a very heavy drinker, buried all his problems and lied about everything. Some VERY big lies. I helped him through all this, he got counseling and after years of arguments he got his life together. He now has the job of his dreams, volunteers and is well respected in that area.

We had a daughter 18 months ago after 2 years of IVF and 3 misscarriages. He was very supportive as he can be very sweet and has a big heart.

the problem is, I have a big personality and I find him boring at times. He's also stopped sleeping in the same bed encase our daughter wakes up and he has to move to the back bedroom, so she can come into bed with me. He thinks that's ok. I find it hurtful. We already were not having sex. We'll go 2 weeks of not arguing and then we'll have a horrible argument because we can both loose our tempers. I just get so frustrated by his lack of effort. I've always been the one to take the lead in our marriage. I don't have the respect for him that I should have, because of how he was when we met.

I was 38 and worried I'd never marry and have kids and I think no that I just settled for him.

I do love him but not with any great passion. He's a very loving Dad to our girl but he'll complain a lot about being tired and busy. It's like our marriage comes last in his priorities. We went to m counseling and they suggested we do something together for fun so he said he'd organise salsa classes. He sent them an email and they didnt respond so he hasn't bothered to call up, when I confronted him about that he said he was busy !!

im at my wits end and live on the other side of the world from my family and loved ones. I'm now stuck here because of my daughter and I just want to go home.
1 Reply 1

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Ollie.l

Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear the issues you are having in your marriage, despite efforts to go see a marriage counsellor.

It really sounds like you are frustrated by your husband's lack of effort in your relationship, and in my own experience, these kinds of things don't just go away on their own. They don't get buried either by other positive qualities like being a loving dad.

While a lot of your concerns are ones that, unfortunately, seem to come up all too common in relationships, what seems to me to be the most concerning is that there seems to be a lack of proper communication without losing your tempers. I absolutely understand how frustrating it can be, especially as it sounds like there is a bit of history behind these issues, but an inability to communicate together is going to be a major hurdle in understanding the issues and seeking any changes.

But at the same time, I am hearing that you really are at your wits end and it sounds like a friendly ear might do a world of good, just to get some of this off your chest. I hope speaking to us here can help, but I also wanted to ask if you are continuing to see the counsellor and if you felt like you were able to address the core issues when you went?

James