Lost and Confused after caught husband cheating

[Jacksh80]

I'm currently so confused about what I need to do and just feel so lost.

Caught my husband cheating on the weekend. Initially he denied it, didn't think it was cheating because nothing sexual happened, only a kiss. Eventually he admitted it was cheating. I still think he is lying to me about certain parts of events and I'm not entirely convinced nothing sexual didn't happen.

He has struggled with depression (suicidal 2.5 years ago), anger and alcohol abuse for many years after growing up in an abusive household. The alcohol intake has improved, he only drinks some weekends but will drink himself into an oblivion almost.

He had arranged to catch up with an 'old friend' and her father two weeks ago while we are on holidays visiting our families and we were staying at his mother's house. Her father didn't go to the pub, and so it was just him and her. Prior to catching up with her he told me many times if I wasn't comfortable with him catching up with her to let him know and he wouldn't, but I trusted him and would not want him to resent me if I did say no, so I said nothing. I was late to pick him up and was left waiting for an hour in the car after being told he'd be out in 5 mins. I don't know how I know but I think I knew.

On Saturday just gone he was supposed to catch up with friends - which he did- but he had also arranged to catch up with her after. he didn't get home until 2am and has been sleeping in a spare room due to back issues and our 3 year old who likes to share our bed. At home we do share a bed. I got up to go to the bathroom and I heard him sleep talking and he said "we shouldn't be doing this I'm married", I just knew. I checked his phone the next morning and found the messages, him telling her she was sexy, asking for photo's talking about how he can't stop thinking about her and the things they wanted to do. He is adamant nothing sexual happened beyond kissing as he felt guilty. He has always sworn he wouldn't never cheat and after 15 years together, this is the first time.

I love him, I do want to work it out but I just don't know how. Maybe its still too raw, we have spoken and both agreed we would like to work it through, I have told him how hurt etc I was and I speak with my psychologist tomorrow - I suffer from anxiety and have had thoughts of leaving it all behind but not suicidal a few months back after work stresses, but i just don't know what i need to do. Think i really need to get it off my chest, thanks!

[Jacksh80]

Hi Lost girl 101,

I am really sorry to hear about what you have gone through. I agree the worst time for me is when I'm left to my own devices and my mind just won't turn off. My husband and I are going to try counselling and I am hoping this will help us start to rebuild the trust but it is a very very long road.

I know this was the first time my husband has cheated on me (doesn't make it any easier to deal with) and I know trust is very hard to rebuild. it's those niggles in the back of the mind that you just don't seem to be able to stop. Thankfully I have a good psychologist and I have found her very useful during my recent battle with depression, but it can be very hit and miss sometime with counselling/psychologists. I'm sorry you've not had great experiences previously. I'd advise keep trying til you find the best fit.

I also completely understand the blaming yourself for the cheating. I'm still bouncing between the "I hate you, this is all you fault" and the "I hate me, this is all my fault". I do know its not my fault, i did not make this decision, but it's still hard not to blame yourself. one of the questions i keep asking myself is "what's wrong with me, why am i not enough anymore".

I had a conversation with my husband today, I got brave and laid it all on the line, what i need from him to begin to try to work it out, with the proviso I get to add / change what I need at anytime and we have agreed to set a time (at the moment once a day) where we will talk and he will answer my questions, regardless of how hard / repetitive they are. I decided this was something I needed the opportunity to vent to him in a safe way, but not constantly bombard him with questions. So far today this has worked well for me coz I found I wasn't dwelling on it so much all the time and was able to enjoy time for me.

I certainly don't think you're weak for not walking away. I actually think it can be harder to stay as it takes a lot of effort to stay and try to work things out, but I do think you need a line in the sand and to know when you need to leave for your own health. I haven't yet figured out my line in the sand but I am getting there. I do want to try to work things out with my husband but am also petrified of getting hurt again.

[smallwolf]

hi Jacksh80,

I noticed your thread and popped in to say hello and mainly to acknowledge the honestly and bravery in your post.

It is easy to say that it is not our fault and still think it is our fault. That I have found will take time. One way to round this is to start the statement with "I wish". For example, "I wish I didn't blame myself and look forward to ..."

Also... the bravery part was the conversation with your husband. It sounds like a huge weight was lifted from your shoulders.

Lastly, it is natural to be scared to getting hurt again - especially when you are looking for one thing that should not happen again. So perhaps trusting him again will take time and allow yourself to take that journey. Different situation or circumstances but is how it has been for and getting over or accepting something.

Wish you luck and good mental health, Tim

[Jacksh80]

Thank you for your kind post Tim, I really like adding the "I wish" part. As for the Bravery part, I still can't believe I did it, I hate confrontation, and i don't want the focus to become me "bringing it up yet again" and thought the may be my best way around it, gives me some boundaries but also the opportunity to get things off my chest. I would usually hold things in until I'm close to exploding but I really don't want to do that here, for the sake of my family, but more importantly my own sanity

[geoff]

Hello Lost girl and Jack, when a partner/spouse decides to cheat on you so much goes through your mind, will I confront them or wait until they tell us or perhaps they make a mistake which obviously tells us they're seeing another person and this situation will differ from day to day, depending on how your day has been or alternatively how their day has been going.

The question is why does cheating happen, well there could be a dozen reasons why and every time could be completely different, but all it takes is for another person to give someone a compliment which may only begin as an emotional connection or perhaps support which then leads to being intimate, this can cause them to keep thinking of each other most of the day and organise themselves to suit being able to hear or see that particular person.

It's possible for them to encourage their actual partner/spouse to take the kids out to a friend's place that have a swimming pool or such, which will give them the opportunity to see the person they're cheating with.

Don't forget if they begin to wear new clothes all of a sudden is definitely a hint that something is going on and asked if why an excuse will be provided that doesn't gel with the reason.

It's an utmost unfortunate situation to be faced with, the worry is, will it continue on with someone else.

I'm sorry.

Geoff.

[ToHope4]

I don’t know if this is even the right place to be writing this but I desperately need help. I discovered 3 weeks ago that my husband of more than 40 years is having an affair for more than a year. 14 months to be exact. I was completely blindsided. My heart is broken and I am completely shattered. He says it’s over but it hadn’t ended when I found out about it so I don’t trust anything he says. He’s still here because he doesn’t want it to become public and he doesn’t want our children and grandchildren to know but I don’t think I can keep carrying this burden. I feel as if he is just getting away with it. At this stage in my life I don’t want the major upheaval that would come with people knowing, I don’t want to live on my own, I don’t want the humiliation because obviously if your husband has an affair there’s something wrong with you. I can’t go on. I don’t know what to do

[Sophie_M]

Hi ToHope,

Thank you for reaching out here. We're so sorry to hear that your husband has had an affair. We understand why this would leave you heartbroken, and very stressed and confused while contemplating the possible paths forward.

Can we ask if you have sought mental health support? A counsellor could help you to sort through what you are feeling and thinking, as well as providing a safe space to share the whole story. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Another possibility, maybe in addition to seeking support for yourself, is to seek support as a couple. You could get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. 

Many in our community have been through similar, and will be able to talk about this with you. You might consider making a personal thread of your own.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You are welcome to start your own thread if you like.

The most important thing at the moment is to take some time to digest this bad news and seek counseling, even if that means alone if he refuses to go. Counseling will force him to reive the trauma you've gone through.

TonyWK

[ToHope4]

I’ve just read what I’ve written and it’s not very articulate. I’ll try and do better. He’s been taking her away for nights together, 3 that I know about so probably more, to a house that was owned by his parents and which the family uses sometimes for weekends. The house is full of photos of his parents, our children and grandchildren and this is where he chose to take her followed by romantic lunches the next day at nearby restaurants. We were all there last Christmas and I found a letter he’d written to this woman starting with the words “How I wish I was with you”. He says he can’t remember writing it. The lies just keep coming

is it possible to survive an affair? If so how

[ToHope4]

Thank you so much Sophie M. I am such a private person I find it very hard to talk about these intensely personal things, but I am going to take your advice and perhaps start with a phone call. At the moment I couldn’t face talking about this with someone face to face. It’s comforting to know there is help out there and I’m not the only one going through a nightmare like this

[lost_girl_101]

hey jacks

your lucky that he admit to all he done, that is a step forward.. I dont have that in my situation,he keeps denying everything and calls me a nut case, but i have proof from the past 4 years. I have the words and phone numbers in my head every second of the day of what i saw and read of his cheating,if he admitted to it at least i can lay down some rules or something to help me. Im just so tired from my mind working overtime.

But i hope all goes well for you, maybe some people can change for the good.

stay strong