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Long term break finance numb with depression

Jason_
Community Member
Hi all needing help in this confusing time with my fiancee that feels numb and lost. Quickly we have been together for 13 years and have 2 children age 9 and 10. 3 weeks ago I caught her msging someone who turned out to be from another country and I was told it meant nothing and was just someone to talk to. From there we have decided to take a break or break up, after she said she loves but doesn't love me anymore at that point. We fell into a rut for about 2 years with just a routine of work and raising kids and didnt have any fun time or alone time together. As to why I to was happy to have a break but now after a few weeks I have come to terms of all of my mistakes and there were alot from not helping around the house more etc. I have since told her all of these issues and she has said it meant alot to her to hear it from me. The problem is she is not one to communicate and always said she doesn't like other people knowing what's going on in her head. She is really lost atm and its confusing me one minute she can talk about working things out then the next just be completely shut off and just want to sleep. I moved out straight away but have since been coming back to look after kids to give her a break, cleaning the house, buying flowers taking her on dates or just getting her out of the house in general. Which has helped her but she quickly falls back into her depressive state of not looking after herself or doing anything at all. I dont know where to go from here im stuck I really love this girl and it hurts to see her like this but how do I communicate with someone that doesn't want to talk or doesn't know what to talk about herself? She was meant to see a therapist but cancelled the appointment, would it be wrong for me to book one for us to go to together?
1 Reply 1

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hi Jason and welcome,

Thank you for reaching out. Reading your post hit home very deeply. It sounds too familiar.

Like your fiancee... I'm a wife and mum of two young kids. I confuse and distress hubby constantly and wonder why on earth he has put up with me. Your post gives me hope too, thank you.

Unlike your fiancee I have medical support, a psychiatrist, diagnosis, medication. The only reason I'm alive today is my husband making sure I got the support I badly needed. I totally support your idea of going with her to seek help.

The effort you're making to help out, to support your fiancee, and to rekindle the spark between you and make time for you alone made me smile. I'm glad you're not giving up. It's good you're going home. The kids need you.

I worry this will panic you and I'm very sorry if it does. It is completely possible I'm biased seeing my own behaviour in writing. I keep wondering if you have been able to have 'that' conversation... The one where you ask her if she's had thoughts of suicide. Some of what you wrote rings alarm bells for me...

Dramatic mood swings (want to try, want to give up), wanting to just sleep even with more support, pushing everyone away, not wanting to talk, cancelling appointments she probably knows she needs... This worries me because when I get like that it means my depression is out of control and I'm at risk.

On a very low day my husband asked me to write down what was in my head absolutely bluntly and honestly. I couldn't verbalise what was happening but on paper it became obvious I was suicidal and needed immediate help. He found me a psychiatrist appointment, took me to the GP to get a referral that day. I gave the psychiatrist what I wrote. We put a safety plan in place until my meds started to help.

This may not be the case here. But asking is so important.

When you wrote about her pushing you away, writing to others (perhaps sabotaging her relationship with you on purpose?) it was familiar. I push everyone away to try protect them from me. If people choose to leave perhaps it won't hurt them as much if I give up.

Please remember these are just thoughts. MY thoughts based on MY experience. She could feel totally differently. You won't know until she can open up to you or at least someone. Perhaps you could show her your thread? Just another thought.

Whatever happens she is lucky to have your love and support. It means the world.

Nat