Lonely nights

[CMF]

Hi there,

Anyone in a relationship but still feel lonely? I love time to myself but I find my self struggling lately when my partner goes home Sunday arvo & I'm sitting here on my own. I'm on my own every night when my little miss goes to bed. My partner calls, we chat & that's fine but Sunday nights are getting hard. Maybe cos it's school holidays & little miss is at her dads? I look forward to going to work Monday so I can forget about it. The weekday routine is tiring but good. Maybe I'm not enjoying my weekends with my partner so I feel lonely in general & when he's gone it's amplified.

Anyone feel the same?

Cmf

[Sialani]

Hello,  I’m sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely during this time. I’ve personally struggled with this similar feeling of deep loneliness and sadness. Important things I had to learn was expressing my emotions and feelings as they are. Being open and honest with yourself and others involved can be of so much help moving forward from this feeling of nothingness. Making changes that will distract you or help you make changes to stop yourself from feeling this way when the time comes around. I hope this is helpful in a way moving forward.

[CMF]

Hi Sialani,

Thanks for posting & your suggestions. I'm not usually feeing like this so I find it odd. I do have some anxiety which doesn't help. Being along gives me more quiet time to ruminate. I've also always made a point of liking my quiet time so when I'm alone he always tells me to enjoy the serenity lol.

I am wwondering if it is because something in the relationship is making me unhappy, so even if we're together I feel alone, but that's a whole other story.

Thanks again for replying. Cmf

[Sialani]

That’s okay. I am here to listen and talk if you need that? It’s so hard to know when you feel a type of way about yourself but also when you can’t explain the feeling of why you feel another way. Have you thought about how you feel in the time your with your partner and why you feel something is different? Or how your body or what your thoughts are when together that could be a reason for changed emotions or feelings? I hear you when you say you like your own time. Have you been in a relationship long? Or felt like this possibly before in another way in your life that could help you think of why you would feel this way? You said you have anxiety? I’m sorry that you have to go through this, I’m wondering if your anxiety and loneliness make feeling or thinking worse in this time for you? I am someone who also has anxiety and I’m a constant over thinker and when I am lonely my brain is always in over drive and my mind goes to places I didn’t even ask it too. I’ve been open and honest in the way I feel in my relationship even if it scares me or if he may not understand, but it has helped me understand my self and my feelings and calm thoughts or feelings I’ve had that I never understood why happened at the time. I’ve also tried to keep myself busy when I’m alone or feeling anxious as it’s important to think of yourself first always and what makes you happy and feel good. I am here if you want or need to talk or someone to listen to you.  

[CMF]

Monday mornings I sometimes cry on my way to work as I think of the weekend & wonder if we have any real connection or are we just company for each other, filling in time? He is going overseas with his sis * sons next month. Maybe seeing them enjoying something together is why? All the fun stuff is with her not me.

[Sialani]

I’m so sorry to hear you have to struggle and feel this way, especially knowing you have to go to work and go about the day, that would be so hard and the emotions you must feel could be overwhelming. Have you been able to express how you feel to him about this? Does he think when you enjoy your alone time that maybe he takes that as you would rather be without him? Or do you feel because he is doing other things without you that you feel he doesn’t care or value you or the need to do anything fun with you? I could only imagine how having to feel this way now and knowing he is going over seas soon and how you would feel about feeling this way, but please know that your feelings are valid and your allowed to own them. There is nothing worse then feeling alone when you would prefer alone time but still wanting to feel like you mean something to someone or someone thinks of you and understands you without having to try. Do you think you could be open with him about how your feeling? I feel if you haven’t spoken to him about how your feeling that it could at least give your emotions and feelings a better understanding as his response to your emotions is very important to take into consideration too as this could be a reason you feel anxious and don’t normally feel this way, because your body may be trying to tell you something. Please remember small things today like you are enough and your feelings are valid. 

[CMF]

Hi Sialani

You asked" Does he think when you enjoy your alone time that maybe he takes that as you would rather be without him? Or do you feel because he is doing other things without you that you feel he doesn’t care or value you or the need to do anything fun with you? " yes, maybe both. I do think he thinks I just want to be alone more & sometimes I do. I was telling about some runners I wanted to buy & he asked if I needed to go to the shopping centre to buy them. He hates shopping so I feel he wanted to go home with the excuse I could go shopping. We used to go gorgeous a drive every Sunday, lunch at a winery. We haven't done that for a while but I know money could be a bit tighter now &  it is expensive. He did say he did that for me, so he could take me out.  Maybe he doesn't want to do that with me anymore? This is fine,  I don't need expensive lunches but if we sit there not bring able to think of anything else to do, that's a worry. I do want alone time & to feel important. It's hard ti feel that way knowing his nights & holiday are with his sister. He does do special things for me. He did some painting at my house, is looking after my daughter this week when I have an appt, offered to take her somewhere that makes me anxious. That's all nice but the rest seems to have fallen flat. We've been doing the  same thing for years.  Friday night dinner at his, Saturday night he stays at mine,  Sunday we go out for brunch/lunch. Now we've run out of things to do after brunch/lunch. Sick of seeing monies, don't want to sit at home, wineries seem to be off the list now. Maybe he has things he'd rather do. Afterall they have a big trip comming up. I will mention it next time.

[Sialani]

I completely understand your feelings and concerns. It’s hard when you feel lonely and want to have your own time and feel and want all these other things also. I feel if he’s doing all these nice things still do they seem genuine? Does he seem like it’s an effort to do them? Maybe because he knows he’s going away and that he may too see struggle happening around use both that these small gestures are him making effort or time? Just a thought. Looking after a child and doing things for a child is a big effort and I commend you for that, however if he’s stepping up and genuinely caring and helping with your daughter that seems like a very thoughtful thing to be doing especially if he didn’t seem to care or feels disconnected. Unfortunately over time things do change and it’s up to us to see what’s happening, why it’s happening and how it could be fixed or resolved. Doing new things together that isn’t what your use too, maybe it could be money playing a problem in why you do or don’t do these things, maybe it’s either or both of your own personal feelings, maybe it’s the situation or routine to feel that you have to do these things the same or similar all the time. Change can be very hard but it can also be rewarding, and trust me I’m someone who struggled with change and always had to do things a certain way and when something similar to what you have felt happened in my life I had to think, what do I want? What does he want? Do we want to be together? Do we want happiness? What can make us happy? What excites us? What changed for us? And when these conversations came to light it changed a lot and we were both able to openly see and feel as we wanted and fix what we could and it added new emotions and feelings. But everyone is different, but I definitely think speaking and having a conversation about it would be very helpful and beneficial for you both and if not him then you so you can know what and how you feel and how you can move forward in this time/situation.

[CMF]

So I've been thinking about what we can do on weekends & thinking about how we don't go die drives anymore. It dawned on me that besides the fact it's expensive & cost of living has gone up,  he was selling his car. He had an interested buyer straight away & that weekend someone ran into the back of us.  Not much damage but it needed repair. When it finally got done he didn't want to drive it, just in case. He's been driving his dad's old Ute which is not great for a long drive. He does do nice little things & I feel I'm always looking for negatives. Maybe I do give him the impression I want alone time? I do feel he has other things to do either for his sister or sons. I rarely do. I don't think it's too much to ask for a Saturday night/Sunday together.  It is after all the only alone time we get.

[Sialani]

I’m so sorry to hear that has happened to his car. But still glad you have been able to think and feel and see these things about both you and him. No one is perfect and a lot of us always look for negative emotions without even intending it, or giving off vibes or emotions we don’t really know we were doing. It’s never to much to ask for time with someone who is meant to love and respect and value you as a person. I would definitely ask him what and how he feels and then thinks about how and what you feel and maybe even share that with him, you both could be suffering from miscommunication and just need to be open to a conversation to move forward. I really hope things can change and be what you want and need in this time and know you are not alone and support is here if you ever need it.