Loneliness and lack of close connections

[Kim8375]

Hello. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm very lonely and don't have any close connections or relationships. I have a few more surface-level friends and acquaintances, some of whom I know value and care about me, but no one who I can really turn to for help or support when I'm feeling lonely or anxious - and they wouldn't know this about me. I often struggle to maintain close relationships and friendships and have lost a few throughout my life, including one good friendship just recently which I cared so much about. I pushed them away because I was too intense and communicated too much, and overstepped a friendship boundary. I didn't see this at the time and now also feel horrible guilt about it and am blaming myself for losing the one good friend I had. (I'm also not sure if they're lost for good or not, or if I'm overthinking or catastrophising the situation.) I think I am autistic and can struggle to read signs and signals in relationships, and can either communicate to much or not enough - I can never seem to get the balance right. I feel that once friends really discover the real me and what I'm like - although they seem to really like me at first - they don't stay around.

Just makes me sad that I'm like this and seem to sabotage all my own relationships. I know I shouldn't blame myself and should accept myself for who I am (I do know I am a kind and thoughtful person and friend) and not feel I have to apologise for or change my authentic self, but it's hard.

[Croix]

Dear Kim8375~

Welcome here to the forum, a good move as a lot of people come here who struggle with anxiety and friendships. If you look around I"m sure you will see others and how they have coped in similar situations.

I do not have many 'friends'. In fact i only have two, my partner and one other, either of whom I can be quite frank about things that are problems for me or worry me, and I can do so wihtout fear of losing affection and friendship and I value their viewpoints. Over the years there have been others, not many but some, however they have passed away, which is to be expected considering my age.

The idea I'm trying ot get across is that true friendship is rare, a relationship where two people stick together through thick and thin. So if at the moment there is nobody like that in your life it is not really a cause for worry.

I find I have many 'acquaintances'. People I can invite over or go for a coffee with, but those relationships are not deep. I think they are necessary so I do not become too isolated and most are interesting or fun to be with, howevr I'd never tell them my real deep troubles, its not that sort of relationship.

It may be you are expecting acquaintances to be friends, and in the process are too frank, overloading them with serious matters they are not able to cope with.

I am sure as time goes on one or more people will see you exactly as the person you are and like you for yourself -troubles and all. These may grow into true friends. I'm not sure it is a process you can hurry along. My friends have simply happened, people I've been with for other reasons.

You talk of pushing peple away, if that is the case it may be because they were not the right people to really suit you, and there is never any need to feel bad or apologies for being yourself.

That realy good friend you wonder if you lost, why not send a freindly message (I'm not suggesting an apology or anything heavy) and see what happens? It takes two to make a friendship so it would need their wanting to get together too.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix