Living with boyfriends family advice

BSH123 · ‎07-03-2019

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and a half now and have been living with him and his family for the entire time. I got kicked out of home when we met so thats why i live with them. His parents said they were happy for me to stay and have never actually told me to leave. I suffer from anxiety and depression so i struggle to leave the room which is causing for my mental health to really suffer. I get to the point where i cant go to the toilet or make food because I am just to scared. The reasoning for this is because i dont feel comfortable at all. My partners mum has made it very difficult for me to continue living here and i dont know what to do. I have a job that is minimum wage and only a few times a week so i dont have very much money. I also dont have my licence and dont have anyone to drive with to get the practice i need. The advice i need the most is how to deal with his mum. My partners mum feels the need to clean his room everyday even though he is 23. She doesnt just clean it though. She goes through the bin, goes through all of my stuff and kicks it around. Alot of my stuff has gone missing and we have just discovered she has stolen it and taken it for herself. She lies and doesn't admit anything and will cry to his dad saying we are lying. She has gone through my washing and taken out my underwear and put it outside the room so everyone can see it. A lot of my belongings have been destroyed. I feel like I am trapped and have no where to go. I have been applying for so many jobs and i really just need to know what options i have. My boyfriend is in the process of saving for a house so he doesn't want to rent and i cant afford to rent.

MsPurple · ‎07-03-2019

HI BSH123 and welcome to the forums 🙂

I have a friend in a similar situation. She has been living with her bf and their family for a while. She has just gotten full time work, but because he is a contractor they can't get a loan for a house. She has decided she/they need to move out. On talking to me she is giving him two months to get a job (on paper, not just contract work) so the bank can approve the loan to get a house, otherwise they will start looking for rentals. If he isn't happy with that she alone or them together are considering getting a share house for a period of time (to avoid a long term lease). I know this isn't the same situation as yours,but maybe you could look into share houses on room mate finder or similar website (I have found my current house mate that way and we get along great and have been living together for two years)

Unfortunately some people are ready to move out of home quicker than others. Your BF may not be ready to move out of home. I think it would be an ideal age for them to move out, however I don't know the whole situation, but sometimes you need to be patient with them (to an extent, if they are in 30s then they need to just move on, some may need to see professional help if they are struggling with it). SOme people may have to move out earlier then ideal. It can be hard to adapt. You did really well to adapt so quickly and to do your best in an awkward situation.

With the job hunt I know how difficult it can be. Have you considered going to an employment agency? My brother has done this and he was able to get employment quite quickly. I use seek and jora for looking for jobs, as well as SMART jobs. It can be hard finding reliable work, just keep at it.

I hope some of this may help. Sorry my brain is very busy today

BSH123 · ‎08-03-2019

Thank you for your advice. My partner is in the exact same position because he is a contractor so it is quite frustrating. My boyfriend is ready to move out of home but he doesnt want to rent because he is very set on saving everything until he gets a house which i completely understand. However I am only 18 years old so buying a house isn't something I want right now. I am going to take your advice and have a look at some share houses. I just got the news today that my shifts have been cut so finding a job is going to my priority right now so that i can do that.

MsPurple · ‎08-03-2019

Thanks for coming back BSH 🙂

At 18 there is no way I would be looking to purchase a house, so I understand that you may not be keen to do so. Heck I am 27 and I am not looking at buying a house yet. I'd be more inclined to get a car or go on a holiday. I feel like I'd rather die with experiences then knowing I have a house at a young age, that is just me. (a car I have to drive to work so that's a bit different, I wouldn't get anything crazy expensive).

I'd try focus on small goals. I am currently looking for a job also so I am trying to have small goals. Applying for x number of jobs a day. I try not get too overwhelmed. I make sure I do enough self care, such as exercise, baths, reading a book, watching a movie and seeing friends. I am also a really good procrastinator so I need to try make sure I reach my goals.

With looking for houses/room my best advice is to not get the first place you look at. Yes I have done this once and I didn't really click with the housemates. Another time I moved in to the first place but it worked out really well, I still live with the same housemate. The difference was that I looked at other houses as well, but decided the first place worked best. See if you click with the housemates, or at least a similar age/stage in life (my housemate is about 4 years older than me however we are at a similar point in life). Ask how the house dynamics work such as: cleaning, utensils (do you need to bring your own) and if it is furnished. Also check if it is a room share or single person room, I almost looked at a roomshare, when that is not what I was looking for.