Living in the shed, no apology from her so im moving on

[benji777]

2 weeks ago she (42f) hurt me (42m) emotionally and it caused huge arguments. i shared the night before that ive been feeling unwanted and alone for months due to her newly smoking habit, her 3 hours a day on phone games (candy crush), and shes always on her laptop.

I just want our togetherness back but the next day i come home and back flips all i had shared the night before and accuses me of not spending time with her and its all my doing. Id been home for 10 minutes and had to call my doctor first thing. Omg

Anyways it caused huge arguments it was outrageous and hurt me because i had just shared feeling alone the night before and this was her response to that.

So over the days it got worse and gridlocked emotionally no remorse from her and refused to apologize, so i basically moved all my belongings into the shed because why share myself with someone who doesn't care and the past 2 weeks been spending my life out there. She still cant work out why omg

We we're meant to be moving into a new house soon, ive cancelled that and shes moving there alone now. We also have a 14 month year old daughter. Who we will now have to split custody of and give her a broken family

I cannot forget and move on and share my goodness with someone if im not thought about emotionally and cared for by my partner if im feeling hurt

Its a complete waste of my time, im there for her in every way with her issues, her vents and her sadness. When im hurting she couldn't careless

So no apology or remorse so this relationship is over.

(Nearly 3 years together)

I honestly feel like a butler most of the time 

Now im living in a shed and about to have a $500 a week house rent to maintain. The rental market is impossible there is no where else to go...

Could someone reflect some thoughts im alone in the world, no siblings no friends to share my difficulties with...

[geoff]

Hello Benji, being in a relationship where one person doesn't care about anything their does or has been doing is not worth staying together, although you have a young daughter always makes a situation like this to be difficult.

I believe there is a chance you can negotiate the rental of this $500 a week within a certain timewith the landlord, and as rentals are short, they may have no trouble in cancelling the contract, bar for a few expenses they believe have occurred, however, if this does happen then you still need somewhere to live, but irrespective you need to make sure you have 50/50 share of your daughter.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[benji777]

Thanks Geoff for reply, yes i feel like her insignificant other rather than her significant other... Which is always disappointing, and to totally just rejoin the home, the future and bedroom with her, without an apology or some kind of regret, what kind of stooge would i be and it enables her to do it again further down the track.

My partner is meant to be loving and endearing if my well being is down my partner is there to help me through it 

This person is obviously witnessing the end is near and is making no efforts to save it, wont face her mistakes, is obviously more happy to see it end than keep it 

Anyways vent over 

Yes with my daughter how do I establish 50/50 custody? Do i do it legally? She is 14 months old will the mother get priority? 

Im happy to get 50% maybe id receive parental assistance to help pay for the rent here? $500 of of my $800 a week wage is going to be so tough. I just dont have anywhere else to go and sharing with strangers also is uncomfortable...

[Petal22]

Hi benji77,

Im sorry this is happening.

Can I ask if your partner’s behaviour was different before having children?

When your partner lashes out at you, you always have a choice…….

Your power is in your “ reaction” to when she lashes out.

You could choose to argue back or you could choose to just simply realise it’s a reflection of your partner and not you… ( this will enable you to see things from a different perspective and you will keep an internal inner calm).

[benji777]

Yea i have a long list of forum entries on reddit after every incident and lash out, i never tolerate it and i expect an apology and it takes her days to realise thats what i need and why i end up sleeping in other rooms. This time ive moved into the shed haha 

Is there something wrong with me that i just need an apology before i can get over being hurt by my so called "significant" other 

Its been 2 weeks and she came into the shed hoping for resolution but still cant acknowledge that her actions hurt me and i cannot even consider any form of friendship until she shows remorse/regret

Why is it so hard to just say sorry for your so called special person 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome.  

With 4 long term relationships under my wing I have some things to mention. Re: "Why is it so hard to just say sorry..." This is the major but not the only issue here. In my experience I've met some people that never apologise including one ex partner. It's like those words are not in their vocabulary or they are too excessive to say. To a person that does apologise regularly it would seem unacceptable. So you might need to interpret other actions and/or words as being the closest you'll get to an apology. 

Eg. If she came out to the shed to discuss the problem that action could be seen as a form of an apology... in the least - effort. But to be fixated waiting for that golden word "sorry" could be seen as not being flexible.

I feel your hurt, but I also feel that couples counselling avenues could be explored first to give your new family opportunity to survive. Topics like addictions, post natal depression possibilities, etc can be discussed. 

Some people can't say sorry, some can't listen, some over react but all are imperfect. 

I hope you are OK.

TonyWK 

[Petal22]

I’m hearing that your partners behaviour was different before having children?

Sometimes after having a child a woman can experience postnatal anxiety or post natal depression as Tony has mentioned.

Your wife may be trying to avoid her thoughts by putting her attention on games and smokes.

When someone is experiencing this condition they can work up many avoidances to try to avoid the thoughts they are experiencing.

Medical attention is something that some one with this condition requires it doesn’t just go away on its own.

Has your partner spoken to a gp about what they are experiencing?

Maybe you could go together and discuss how your partner has been behaving?

I understand it’s hard but maybe if you could both get to the bottom of what’s really going on the quicker you could get back to the way life use to be together.

[benji777]

Thankyou for replies guys and girls

Im into my third week in the shed its looking amazing now, i bought a bar fridge, a kettle, a toaster now. A mini kitchen out here its almost a luxury apartment with tin walls 

My now ex girlfriend hasnt made contact with me today oh wait she just offered me some soup for tea... But im still not worth an apology and still no regret from her for hurting her partner. Hes not important enough obviously to have thoughts like that for him.

Nonetheless the point of having an inner calm when she made outrageous comments i guess i wished id have been less vocal in my response but nonetheless it was hurtful and outrageous. Whether i was a calm Buddha or a outraged in shock she still made that action and i still feel it was unacceptable disrespectful and unloving.

My resentment grows bigger and bigger each day and any chance of loving her once again is shrinking by the day 

She is meant to be moving out at the end of April i was meant to be going too with our baby and be a family in a bigger home.. instead i am still prefering to see her leave and having a future with her gone

[white knight]

Hi Benji,

I really dont think you are considering all possibilities. All of your thinking is focussed on your needs and feelings. 

In your 1st post you said "She still cant work out why omg" this is the tell tail of something bigger, much bigger. You might well think she should know why but in reality that is unfair. 

I read your 1st post again and have come up with a few things. It's clear that her smoking, phone games and laptop activities have taken her away from you. It's left you feeling alone. I would feel that also. The key thing missing from your argument with her is why?, why has she taken up smoking, playing games for hours etc? This could well be a core question that if resolved could see her return to the lady you have loved. 

Also clear is that there is addiction happening with these activities she has emersed herself in. Trying to remove those addictions will not be easy and will take more effort than her husbands demands, hurt and separation to the shed. 

She had backflipped I think because of the level of addiction, so the next day she was on the warpath to redeem her feelings why? because the battle to give up her pleasures is too hard and she feels that the reason she took them up is due to her feeling you dont spend enough time with her- rightly or wrongly. With addictions people try any excuse to justify their habit.

If you moved back in tomorrow and these addictions is stopped they will restart soon enough and nothing will be accomplished. She needs help and from your end IMO you need to be less fixated on that golden apology. In fact that soup was or could be seen to be- an attempt to care. In my own world such tokenism is enough for me to re-examine the situation and try a different tack.

I went to an old man once (my age now) in a similar situation. He kept saying to me "but she doesnt think like you". Since then I've realised and accepted that demanding an apology might not ever some but it donet mean they dont care.

If you get the chance to talk perhaps ask her why she feels you dont spend enough time together, ask her if she realises her activities could be addictive (let alone costly) and if she is willing to seek counselling.

There is a core issue here and her apologising might satisfy you but wont fix the problem.

TonyWK

[Petal22]

Hi Benji777,

I’m also questioning a few things and agree with Tony.

Benji sometimes we can become defensive due to someone else’s actions but instead of becoming defensive have you asked yourself why you react in this way and make the choices you make In regards to someone else’s behaviour.

We all have a choice with everything in our lives…….

You have a beautiful child who is missing out on time with you due to your choice to move out to the shed.

Sometimes we need to do inner work on ourselves and by doing this it can open us up to whole new reality.